Together summary

One day, a patient named James walked into Murthy’s clinic. He had high blood pressure and diabetes, and he wanted help. During his visit, he inadvertently taught Murthy a profound lesson about loneliness and the importance of human connection.

While talking through his physical symptoms, James made a throwaway comment: winning the lottery had ruined his life. Murthy, curious, asked why. James explained that he’d once been a baker. A good one, with lots of customers, and a team. He may have been single, but he was connected to a community. 

Consider for a moment one of your ancient, tribal ancestors. For him, being connected was essential to leading a moderately safe and secure life. Watching out for wolves with fellow tribe members reduced risk. Hunting, gathering, and then pooling food meant a better chance of survival. Togetherness was essential. Separation from the tribe would have been very dangerous.

For your ancient ancestor isolation would have put his nervous system on red alert. His heart rate would have increased – to help him respond quickly to any threat. His blood sugar levels and blood pressure would have risen – giving him ready energy to burn. And his senses would have heightened to detect even the slightest danger.

Hutterites are members of a Christian sect, with around 500 colonies scattered across Montana, Western Canada, and the Dakotas. A Hutterite colony is intensely communal. Private property or income is forbidden and every member is looked after. When a woman becomes a mother, for example, she’s joined by a young girl from another family who provides help while, in turn, learning what it means to be a parent.

Hutterite communities are collectivist and starkly different from the individualist societies in the Western world. They are extremely tight-knit, with very low rates of loneliness.

It's easy nowadays to let human contact slip from daily life. The author, for example, was delighted when online grocery deliveries hit the scene. Just think of all the time savings!

But it turned out that trips to the store had generated a lot of connections. Random meetings with fellow parents in the baby food aisle and chats with friendly clerks may have been small interactions, but they’d kept the author and his family connected to their community.

A Harvard University study into the secrets of a healthy, happy life was started in 1938 and is still going strong today. It tracked the lives of 268 students, and continues to follow their children. One of its key findings has been that close inner-circle friendships are a stronger predictor of happiness and health in life than either wealth or social class.

But while having a tight inner-circle is important, it’s not everything. Sometimes our closest friendships can, paradoxically, lead to a kind of loneliness. In particular, when we prioritize those closest to us – that is to say our romantic partners – we can neglect our wider friendships, and our need for collective connections, as well as intimate ones.