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13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do summary

Name: 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do
Rating: 4.6 (5306 reviews)
Author: Amy Morin

Amy Morin

Take Back Your Power, Embrace Change, Face Your Fears and Train Your Brain for Happiness and Success

4.6 (5306 ratings)

40 mins

Brief summary

"13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do" by Amy Morin offers a blueprint to develop mental strength which includes identifying and avoiding the self-limiting beliefs and behaviours that hold us back in life.

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Happy Mental Health

Table of Contents

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do
Summary of 13 key ideas

Audio & text in the Blinkist app

Key idea 1 of 13

What’s in it for me? Overcome what’s holding you back and live the life you dream of.

As a trained psychotherapist, Amy Morin is used to helping those that are struggling – but in the year 2013, she was struggling herself. She had lost her mom and her husband, and then, after remarrying, she learned that her new father-in-law had been diagnosed with cancer. She called it her lowest point in life.

Close to the breaking point, she sat down and wrote a letter to herself. In it, she made a list with 13 things that mentally strong people don’t do. Later, she shared it on her blog. The article went viral and ultimately reached 50 million people. One year later, she made it into a book that became a best seller and was translated into 40 languages.

In the upcoming 13 blinks, you’ll learn about 13 real-life examples about 13 different bad habits and how those bad habits were replaced by better ones. In the process, you’ll stock up your personal toolbox for life’s notorious hardships. So let’s get started.

You’ll also learn

how to take a calculated risk;
that collaborating is better than competing; and
why earning is better than deserving.

Note: the audio version of these blinks includes music and sound elements. We encourage you to listen!

Mentally strong people replace self-pity with gratitude.

One day, Amy Morin witnessed a minor accident: two cars in a supermarket parking lot were backing up and bumped into each other. Morin watched the two drivers get out of the car and she couldn’t help noticing something. Even though those drivers just experienced the same accident, their reactions couldn’t have been more different. The first driver got out and looked almost relieved. How lucky he was that no one was seriously hurt! How miraculous that this hadn’t led to a serious injury! The second driver, however, felt rather unlucky: Oh great, he moaned. Just exactly what he needed! Why does this BS always happen to him?

So, what’s the point? Well, the second driver is a perfect example of the first behavior that mentally strong people don’t do: he is pitying himself. He is sulking, dwelling in his misfortune, throwing a pity party. People who pity themselves tend to think their problems are much worse. They complain that life is not fair and when you ask them how their day went, they will readily hand you a list of all the things that went wrong.

But as common as it is, it’s also a problem. Because feeling sorry for yourself can be quite self-destructive. You're not only wasting your time; you’re also training your mind to focus on the negatives. Which will make you more miserable, and this in turn will make you focus even more on the downsides. Meanwhile, all the good luck and positive experiences pass by unnoticed.

So, yes, self-pity is destructive. But how can you stop? Well, the most effective antidote is gratitude. If you’re stuck in a mindset of “Bad things are always happening to me,” just stop for a second. Sit down and write a list of the good things that have happened to you. To make it more regular, you can also keep a gratitude journal. All you have to do is write down at least one thing you are grateful for per day. Also, it helps to say it out loud – tell the people around you what life has gifted you.

Sooner or later, you might find yourself in the mindset of the first driver. Instead of complaining about a minor accident, you’ll actually feel thankful that nothing worse has happened. Which brings you one step closer to becoming a mentally strong person.

Mentally strong people hold onto their power and forgive others.

Let’s meet Lauren, a loving mother of two. She nearly had a picture-perfect family life, if it wasn’t for one thing: her mother-in-law. Lauren found her overbearing. Not only would she come over unannounced, she constantly criticized Lauren’s parenting style and even made nasty comments about her weight. Lauren always kept a polite smile on the outside, but was boiling on the inside. And it wasn’t only that her mother-in-law occupied precious family time; Lauren also found herself ruminating and complaining about her at least several hours per week. Clearly, something was wrong.

Which brings us to the second habit that mentally strong people don’t do: they don’t let other people have power over them.

Mentally strong people are always ready to embrace change.

Richard was frustrated. He just got diagnosed with diabetes and his doctor told him he was 75 pounds overweight, so he felt like he needed to make a change – which was easier said than done. He made a pledge to abstain from any sort of junk food; he even cleared his shelves of all the cookies and sugary drinks. He signed up for the gym. All of this sounded like a good plan – on paper. In real life, though, he soon found himself snacking in front of the TV instead of exercising. Despite all the best intentions, he didn’t lose a single pound!

Let’s face it: Making a change is difficult. But if you lack the mental strength, it’s easy to shy away from it. But this comes at a heavy price: Without change, you can feel like you’re stuck while others are outgrowing you.

Mentally strong people don’t get distracted by things they can’t control.

One day, James wanted to spend an afternoon whale watching with his daughter. Such dates had become a rare and cherished occasion; after the divorce from his wife, Carmen, she was granted primary custody while James was only allowed to see her on Wednesdays and weekends. To make things even more complicated, the divorced parents were competing over their daughter’s favor, trying to trump one another with gifts and fun activities. So when he learned from his daughter that her mom had taken her on a whale watching trip just the week prior – supposedly to ruin their whale watching trip – James was infuriated. Instead of enjoying the rare quality time with his daughter, he sent angry text messages to his ex-wife. The afternoon was ruined.

So what exactly are we witnessing here? It’s this: James got unnecessarily upset about something that was outside his control. But like most people, James loves to have full control over the situation. This includes telling people what and what not to do. But this just made the situation worse, spoiling the already rare quality time with his daughter.

Always wanting to please others doesn’t work, and being ready to sometimes displease makes you stronger.

This time, let’s say hi to Megan. Megan had a relatable problem: she felt constantly stressed. The to-dos seemed to pour in from all sides – church members asked her to quickly bake some muffins for Sunday Service, her sister needed her as a babysitter, and her cousin always came over with some last-minute favor to ask. Soon it became clear that Megan’s stress had a particular reason: it was because she had a hard time saying no. Or, in other words, she was a people pleaser.

Being nice is – well, nice. But it becomes a problem if you’re being too nice. First of all, people who tend to be too nice can be easily taken advantage of. Since they hate to disagree, they will rather say yes than risk a conflict. Not only are they constantly concerned about what other people think about them, they will also go to great lengths to change their behavior so that they appear more likeable, often at the expense of their own desires and wishes.

Mentally strong people are not afraid of taking calculated risks.

When Dale told his wife about an old dream of his – opening up his own furniture store – he was met with a good amount of eye-rolling. Oh, what a dreamer he was! And he agreed – why would he give up his stable job as a high school teacher for a risky undertaking like this? So he kept on working in the same old job. The only problem: The more he tried to forcefully repress his true aspiration, the more frustrated he grew. Even worse, he felt defeated and depressed. He found himself stuck in a dilemma. What should he do?

So let’s take a deeper look at this and see how mentally strong people handle risks. Like Dale, most people are naturally averse to risk-taking. They’re afraid of making certain decisions, often entertaining worst-case scenarios in their head. But instead of fulfilling their wishes, they end up on the couch ruminating about what life could have had in store for them if they only dared to do X and Y.

Coming to terms with the past makes you stronger, but it takes concrete steps to do so.

Gloria's relationship with her 28-year-old daughter was more than difficult. It became clear to Gloria that her daughter was stuck in a loop of self-destructive behavior – constantly switching boyfriends, not holding down a job, and moving back in with her. But instead of saying anything, she even enabled it with her well-meaning behavior. Why? Because she felt guilt and shame over how she wasn’t really there for her daughter when she was younger, so now she wanted to make up for it. In other words, she was so stuck in the past that she couldn’t move forward.

If there’s something we can learn from Gloria’s story, it’s this: if you want to become mentally stronger, you should stop dwelling on your past. This habit comes in many forms. It can mean you’re replaying certain scenes from your past over and over; you’re wondering how your life would’ve turned out if you had taken this one job; or you assume that getting back with your ex-lover will solve all your problems. Yes, a certain amount of retrospective reflection is healthy, but too much of it can be destructive.

Mentally strong people avoid repeating the same mistakes, and this requires self-discipline.

Let’s take a little time machine to a small town in mid-nineteenth-century Massachusetts. We’re with the businessman Rowland Macy, who just launched a dry goods store, but made quite a fatal mistake. The location he chose was way too quiet, and he struggled to attract customers as a result.

To drum up interest in his fledgling store, Macy organized a large parade through his town that would end up at his shop. Unfortunately, on the day of the parade it was so blazing hot that nobody turned up. He fell so deep into debt that he had to give up his business.

Mentally strong people don’t envy other people’s success but rather seek to collaborate with them.

So if you ever got grumpy while browsing through your peers’ seemingly perfect lives on social media, this one might be for you. In 2013, researchers published a study with the telling title “Envy on Facebook: A Hidden Threat to Users’ Life Satisfaction.” The result: People can get really bummed out to see other people’s successes and happiness. Being exposed to your peers’ vacation photos is particularly bad, and they can even get angry over a lot of birthday wishes.

If that sounds relatable to you, behold! This feeling is called resentment and – you guessed it – it’s something mentally strong people don’t do. If you feel like other people are more successful than you, you’ll likely feel envious about their good fortune. On the outside you might keep a polite smile, but when your neighbour shows you his brand-new Tesla, you might secretly despise him. You were just about to enjoy this garden party, but now your mood is ruined.

Mentally strong people don’t give up easily, and they are self-compassionate about failure.

Today, Thomas Edison is world-famous for inventing the light bulb. But did you know that he also came up with contraptions like the electric pen or the so-called ghost machine? If you’ve never heard of these, don’t worry – both were complete failures. And they were far from being Edison’s only flops – at least, from our perspective. Edison himself didn’t consider these attempts to be failures. Instead, he saw them as learning opportunities, chances to experiment with what worked and what didn’t. Each time he failed, he considered himself to be one step closer to succeeding.

But, yeah, this is not the common perspective on failure. If you drop out of college or lose an important client, your go-to-reaction is not “Finally, another learning opportunity.” The opposite is true. It often comes with a sense of shame – an experience we want to avoid at all costs. As a consequence, some people will stop trying entirely, making it a habit to give up at the faintest sign of hardship.

Mentally strong people are comfortable being alone and use meditation to become more resilient.

Okay, now back to Morin’s counseling office. This time we’re sitting with Vanessa, who has a very particular problem. Despite being exhausted from busy work days, she had a hard time falling asleep. It feels like she can’t turn off her mind; her thoughts are racing hour after hour, pondering situations of the day or worrying about tasks to come. During the day, she was working as quite the successful real estate agent, always on the go, always “on.” Morin asked her how often she just sat down just by herself, doing nothing and giving her thoughts some space, to which she replied, “Never – why would I?!”

Being alone and winding down is not something that ranks high on most people’s priority list. Some find it unproductive, others outright scary. They’re uncomfortable with silence and solitude. They pack their calendar with social events, and when they’re actually by themselves, they’re on their phone or let the TV fill their apartments with background noises.

Many people have an entitlement mentality, but strong people concentrate on giving rather than taking.

Lucas was by no means popular among his coworkers. Even though he was fresh out of college and just starting out, he behaved like a know-it-all. He constantly told his more experienced coworkers how he would do it. He thought of himself as an extremely valuable employee who deserved a promotion into a leadership position. But instead of promoting him, Lucas’s boss told him to tone it down; his coworkers were annoyed by his bossy behavior. They felt like he’s acting a bit, well . . . entitled.

Even though that sounds far from relatable, we all have a little bit of Lucas inside us. To some degree, we’re all inclined to believe that the world owes us something

Mentally strong people recognize that achievements take time and that progress isn’t always immediately apparent.

If there’s one weakness that Marcy had, it was her notorious impatience. When her kids or coworkers wouldn’t comply with her pace, she’d say, “I’m not getting any younger.” She’d read dozens of self-help books, but was disappointed when they didn’t magically change her life overnight. She abandoned therapy just after a few sessions because she didn’t see the immediate results that she wanted. What she was desperately looking for was a shortcut, a magic pill that would eliminate her dissatisfaction with life. Unfortunately, as mentally strong people know, this pill doesn’t exist.

In a world of 24-hour delivery, on-demand streaming and fast food, most people are used to getting what they want as quickly as possible. But if instant gratification becomes an overall expectation, you’re gonna have some problems in your life.

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What is 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do about?

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do (2014) explains how to develop great mental strength by taking control of your emotions, thoughts, and actions. With useful tips, inspiring examples, and practical solutions, this book will help you overcome your fears and start living life to the fullest.

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do Review

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do (2014) is an insightful book that offers crucial strategies for developing mental strength. Here's why reading it is worth your time:

It provides concrete examples and practical tips to help you identify and eliminate self-destructive behaviors and thoughts.
By combining scientific research and personal anecdotes, the book offers a relatable and informative look into the habits that mentally strong people avoid.
The down-to-earth approach of Amy Morin's writing keeps the book engaging, relatable, and far from a dull self-help manual, making it a refreshing read.

Best quote from 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do

Retaining your power is about being confident in who you are and the choices you make, despite the people around you and the circumstances youre in.

—Amy Morin

Who should read 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do?

People struggling in the face of their own failures and peers’ success
Parents who can’t calmly communicate with their children
Anyone who needs extra encouragement to live out their dreams

About the Author

Amy Morin, a psychotherapist and licensed clinical social worker, is a regular columnist for Forbes, where she writes about business and psychology. She is also the host of The Verywell Mind Podcast.

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13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do FAQs

What is the main message of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do?

The main message of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do is that developing mental strength involves avoiding certain behaviors and building resilience.

How long does it take to read 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do?

Reading 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do may take a few hours. However, the Blinkist summary can be read in just 15 minutes.

Is 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do a good book? Is it worth reading?

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do is worth a read as it provides practical insights and tips for building mental strength.

Who is the author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do?

The author of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do is Amy Morin.

What to read after 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do?

If you're wondering what to read next after 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do, here are some recommendations we suggest:

The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson
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13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do summary

Brief summary

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do Summary of 13 key ideas

What’s in it for me? Overcome what’s holding you back and live the life you dream of.

Mentally strong people replace self-pity with gratitude.

Mentally strong people hold onto their power and forgive others.

Mentally strong people are always ready to embrace change.

Mentally strong people don’t get distracted by things they can’t control.

Always wanting to please others doesn’t work, and being ready to sometimes displease makes you stronger.

Mentally strong people are not afraid of taking calculated risks.

Coming to terms with the past makes you stronger, but it takes concrete steps to do so.

Mentally strong people avoid repeating the same mistakes, and this requires self-discipline.

Mentally strong people don’t envy other people’s success but rather seek to collaborate with them.

Mentally strong people don’t give up easily, and they are self-compassionate about failure.

Mentally strong people are comfortable being alone and use meditation to become more resilient.

Many people have an entitlement mentality, but strong people concentrate on giving rather than taking.

Mentally strong people recognize that achievements take time and that progress isn’t always immediately apparent.

Key ideas in 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do

Introduction

Mentally strong people replace self-pity with gratitude.

Mentally strong people hold onto their power and forgive others.

Mentally strong people are always ready to embrace change.

Mentally strong people don’t get distracted by things they can’t control.

Always wanting to please others doesn’t work, and being ready to sometimes displease makes you stronger.

Mentally strong people are not afraid of taking calculated risks.

Coming to terms with the past makes you stronger, but it takes concrete steps to do so.

Mentally strong people avoid repeating the same mistakes, and this requires self-discipline.

Mentally strong people don’t envy other people’s success but rather seek to collaborate with them.

Mentally strong people don’t give up easily, and they are self-compassionate about failure.

Mentally strong people are comfortable being alone and use meditation to become more resilient.

Many people have an entitlement mentality, but strong people concentrate on giving rather than taking.

Mentally strong people recognize that achievements take time and that progress isn’t always immediately apparent.

What is 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do about?

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do Review

Best quote from 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do

Who should read 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do?

About the Author

Categories with 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do

Book summaries like 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do

People also liked these summaries

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13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do
Summary of 13 key ideas