Wired for Love Book Summary - Wired for Love Book explained in key points
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Wired for Love summary

Stan Tatkin

How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship

4.5 (556 ratings)
19 mins

Brief summary

"Wired for Love" by Stan Tatkin is a guide to building and maintaining strong, healthy relationships. It explores neuroscience and attachment styles to help partners create secure connections and navigate the ups and downs of love.

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    Wired for Love
    Summary of 6 key ideas

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    Key idea 1 of 6

    Experiences in early childhood determine how safe you feel in adult relationships.

    When you were little – say, four years old – had you ever told your mom a secret? Something really, really important, something only she was supposed to know? Now imagine if your dad brought up this very secret at dinner. How would you feel? In a word – probably – betrayed. 

    Now, fast-forward to adulthood. You graduate, get a job, and you’re now in a committed relationship. One day at a party with friends, your partner blurts out something that’s private – something that only concerns you. Suddenly, you feel like you’re back at your childhood dinner table. You’re reliving the same betrayal.

    Is your experience psychological? Or physiological? Well, it’s a bit of both. Your early experiences get hardwired into your memory – and, as we’ll see in the following blinks, they affect our sense of security in relationships well into adulthood.

    The key message here is: Experiences in early childhood determine how safe you feel in adult relationships.

    There’s a field of psychology that studies how infants form attachments to others. It’s called attachment theory, and it was made popular by John Bowlby in 1969. Here’s what it says: ideally, a baby should have a single caregiver who will put the infant-adult relationship above all else. This is known as a primary attachment relationship. The author calls it the baby bubble

    It sets the stage for how we relate to other individuals later in life. If our “baby bubble” feels secure, we will be more confident in forming a similar primary attachment with our romantic partner in adult life. 

    The author calls this a couple bubble. In it, our sense of security is once again dependent upon a single person. 

    But there’s a key difference between these two bubbles. The relationship between an infant and her caregiver is one-sided. But in adult life, two partners form a pact to uphold each other’s sense of safety and security. 

    In a couple bubble, both partners need to feel secure. All the time. 

    But not everyone had a secure, comfortable childhood. As we’ll see in the following blinks, vulnerabilities developed earlier in life do start to resurface. This can easily put your couple bubble at risk. 

    The good news is that you can rewire those tendencies – but first, you have to get familiar with your insecurities.

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    What is Wired for Love about?

    Wired for Love (2012) is a guide to maintaining closeness and emotional security within romantic partnerships. It uses research from neurobiology and psychology to show why long-term couples come into conflict, and it offers practical tips on how to use knowledge about brain functions to promote peace and mutual security in your relationship.

    Wired for Love Review

    Wired for Love (2012) is a thought-provoking book that examines the science behind healthy relationships and provides practical tools for strengthening emotional connections. Here's why this book is worth reading:

    • Replete with insights from neuroscience, it offers a deeper understanding of our instinctive behaviors in relationships, helping us navigate the complexities of love.
    • Practical exercises and strategies make it easy to implement the book's concepts, allowing readers to apply the knowledge and improve their relationships in tangible ways.
    • Through real-life examples and relatable stories, the book brings the science of love to life, making it an engaging and enlightening read.

    Who should read Wired for Love?

    • Partners in committed relationships
    • Couples seeking to manage conflict 
    • Those interested in social psychology

    About the Author

    Stan Tatkin is a clinician and researcher who has developed the “psychobiological” approach to couple therapy. He works with family medicine residents at Kaiser Permanente in Woodland Hills, California. He is the author of six other books, including the bestselling Wired for Dating (2016).

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    Wired for Love FAQs 

    What is the main message of Wired for Love?

    Wired for Love helps couples understand and navigate the complexities of their relationships.

    How long does it take to read Wired for Love?

    The reading time for Wired for Love varies. However, the Blinkist summary can be read in just 15 minutes.

    Is Wired for Love a good book? Is it worth reading?

    Wired for Love is worth reading as it provides valuable insights and practical advice for building and maintaining healthy relationships.

    Who is the author of Wired for Love?

    The author of Wired for Love is Stan Tatkin.

    What to read after Wired for Love?

    If you're wondering what to read next after Wired for Love, here are some recommendations we suggest:
    • Good Arguments by Bo Seo
    • Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller
    • Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson
    • Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix
    • Becoming Attached by Robert Karen
    • How to Be Your Own Therapist by Owen O'Kane
    • Resurrecting Sex by David Schnarch
    • Securely Attached by Eli Harwood
    • The 3-Minute Rule by Brant Pinvidic
    • The Science of Kissing by Sheril Kirshenbaum