How long does it take to read It’s Not You?

The reading time for It’s Not You varies depending on the reader's speed. However, you can read the Blinkist summary in just a few minutes.

Who is the author of It’s Not You?

Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You.

Sex & Relationships

It’s Not You Book Summary - It’s Not You Book explained in key points

Listen to the Intro

00:00

It’s Not You summary

Name: It’s Not You
Rating: 4.3 (81 reviews)
Author: Sara Eckel

Sara Eckel

27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single

4.3 (81 ratings)

16 mins

Brief summary

'It's Not You' by Sara Eckel is a self-help book that redefines the way we view our romantic failures and provides a fresh perspective for coping with them. It encourages readers to let go of society's unrealistic expectations and to embrace their authentic selves.

Topics

Happy Confidence

Table of Contents

It’s Not You
Summary of 8 key ideas

Audio & text in the Blinkist app

Key idea 1 of 8

What’s in it for me? Appreciate the single life.

How many times have you pitied yourself? How terrible does it feel to have been alone for such a long time? How many awful dates have you gone on, just so you could feel a little bit of tenderness?

As a woman in your thirties or older, single life is laden with hardship. It’s an ongoing struggle – against the expectations of society, against your own self-conception – and you’re under constant pressure to find happiness in a world where happiness means finding a partner, getting married and having children.

Well, it doesn’t have to be this way. These blinks teach you to appreciate your single life again. You’ll learn what it takes to be happy as a single woman as well as how to escape the pressures of society. There are some simple techniques that will help you oppose the prejudices of married women and allow you to approach dating with ease.

You’ll also learn

why you shouldn’t erase feelings of sadness;
what Fox News thinks about single women; and
what you should do about your dissipated lifestyle.

It’s okay to be yourself and to feel lonely from time to time.

If you’re unhappily single, you may have heard that, before you can find a partner, you need to fix things about yourself. This, in fact, is the advice of many dating experts.

But this advice puts the blame for your singledom on you and your needy and off-putting personality. It also leads people to believe that they need to resolve their own personal and self-esteem issues before they can even hope to start a relationship, which simply isn’t true.

Psychologist John Gottman, who has been researching newlywed couples, is determined that there isn’t some ideal personality that is required for a successful relationship. Rather, the challenge is to find a person who accepts you for the person you are, neuroses and all.

So don’t beat yourself up thinking that you need to fix your relationship with your parents or overcome your low self-esteem in order to be someone’s loving partner or spouse. According to psychology professor Kristin Neff, people with low self-esteem are generally just as lovable as those with high self-esteem.

That said, it’s absolutely normal for feelings of loneliness to be accompanied by feelings of shame and a desire to fix yourself.

These feelings are wired into our brains because, for our ancestors, living alone was a deadly proposition; long ago, we needed company to help protect us from dangerous predators. Neuroscientist John Cacioppo tells us that the shame we feel about loneliness is still part of our biological wiring, and it can kick in even when we’re living safely in a studio apartment.

So, if you want to ease these feelings, the best thing to do is simply accept them as part of the human experience.

Sadness is an important part of being alive, and online dating has its advantages.

What is your idea of a happy life? Does it include marriage and kids as well as a satisfying job? Research does show that individuals who are married tend to be happier than single people. However, it’s important to keep in mind that 40 percent of marriages end in divorce, and that there are still plenty of women who are happily single.

It’s also important not to ignore or suppress your feelings of unhappiness if they arise.

Successful and confident women can intimidate men, but they have great chances of getting married.

If you’re a single woman who has struggled to find a partner, here’s a question: Are you a confident woman who has full control of your fast-paced professional life? If so, this is a good thing, right?

Well, if you are a self-confident woman, know that this confidence may intimidate men who feel that you might not have the need, or the time, for a meaningful relationship with them.

Misguided relationship advice includes opinions about desperate and over-affectionate women.

According to dating experts, many women end up single because they’re not confident enough – because they’re needy. Such women are criticized for seeming too desperate to get married. This desperation, assert the experts, is off-putting and a little sad.

But this label of “desperate” is often utterly inaccurate and is often applied to women who are far from desperate.

Sometimes over sharing with friends can increase your chances of bad dates.

If you’ve been on a number of unsuccessful dates, you may be familiar with a popular post-date activity: getting together with your friends to recount how badly it went.

This activity may seem innocent enough, but these friendly chats could end up hurting your chances of forging a successful relationship.

Don’t feel forced into relationships or going out every night in order to find Mr. Right.

Here’s another common yet misguided piece of advice: Before you can have a happy marriage, you must have enough prior experience with long-term relationships.

There’s never been any proof to suggest that experience in long-term relationships is required in order to enjoy a happy marriage. Rather, the opposite would seem to be the case, since there are plenty of people who found their first love in their late thirties, forties or fifties and went on to have a happy marriage.

Avoid getting trapped by negative emotions and wrongheaded opinions about being single.

One of the toughest parts of being alone is being stuck with your own thoughts, and asking yourself questions like, “Why am I still single?” Or, “Why did he abandon me?” It can be easy to get stuck under a cloud of negativity.

Unfortunately, many single women become trapped in what psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi calls psychic entropy, which is when the mind can only focus on negative things.

Love is all around, as long as you keep your eyes and heart open.

When you think about love, you probably think about romance. But romantic love isn’t the only form of love or the only way to find happiness.

Love can be found in every moment of your day-to-day life, not only in romantic relationships.

Want to see all full key ideas from It’s Not You?

Key ideas in It’s Not You

More knowledge in less time

Read or listen

Get the key ideas from nonfiction bestsellers in minutes, not hours.

Find your next read

Get book lists curated by experts and personalized recommendations.

Shortcasts ^New

We’ve teamed up with podcast creators to bring you key insights from podcasts.

What is It’s Not You about?

It’s Not You (2014) is an antidote to the stereotypical dating guides that offer advice that isn’t relevant to today’s modern lifestyles. Here you’ll discover why you no longer need to panic about being single after you turn 30 and why marriage needn’t be regarded as key to your happiness. This is a guide to help today’s single women navigate a dating world that is quite different than it was just a generation ago.

It’s Not You Review

It's Not You (2014) is a refreshing read with a powerful message that challenges societal expectations around finding love. Here's why this book is worth your time:

This book delivers insightful revelations about relationships, debunking common myths and providing a fresh perspective on self-worth and dating.
Backed by personal stories and research, it offers practical advice on how to navigate the dating world with confidence and authenticity.
It's a thought-provoking exploration of our cultural obsession with love and relationships, keeping readers engaged and making it far from boring.

Best quote from It’s Not You

If everyone had to get right with themselves before finding a partner, the population would have died off long ago.

—Sara Eckel

Who should read It’s Not You?

Single women in their thirties
Married women who are afraid of leaving a toxic relationship
Anyone who feels guilty about being single

About the Author

Sara Eckel is a freelance writer whose essays and criticism have appeared in a number of publications, including the Washington Post and Glamour. It’s Not You, based on her popular Modern Love column for the New York Times, is her first book.

Categories with It’s Not You

Sex & Relationships

Book summaries like It’s Not You

Unrequited

Lisa A. Phillips

The Thinking Woman’s Guide to Romantic Obsession

Aligning Executive Performance and Pay

The Psychology of How We Perceive Time

15 min

3.9

5 Types of People Who Can Ruin Your Life

Bill Eddy

Identifying and Dealing with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other High-Conflict Personalities

Simple Truths for Our Complex Lives

17 min

Unsubscribe

Jocelyn K. Glei

How to Kill Email Anxiety, Avoid Distractions, and Get Real Work Done

Rewilding the Land, Sea and Human Life

The New Neuroscience of How We (Re)Invent Our Identities

17 min

Discipline Is Destiny

Ryan Holiday

The Power of Self-Control

18 min

4.7

The Haves and the Have-Nots

Branko Milanović

A Brief and Idiosyncratic History of Global Inequality

The Revolutionary Method to Work Smarter and Live Better

17 min

3.6

The Four Noble Truths of Love

Susan Piver

Buddhist Wisdom for Modern Relationships

Own Your Morning. Elevate Your Life.

How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy

18 min

4.3

I Didn't Know I Needed This

Eli Rallo

The New Rules for Flirting, Feeling, and Finding Yourself

Five Secrets to Create Connection and Cultivate Passion

20 min

4.0

Yoga Nidra Made Easy

Uma Dinsmore-Tuli & Nirlipta Tuli

Deep Relaxation Practices to Improve Sleep, Relieve Stress and Boost Energy and Creativity

Speak Your Mind, America

18 min

3.6

You Can Heal Your Life

Louise Hay

A classic of self-realization with practical and spiritual advice for emotional and physical problems

23 min

4.5

The Overthinking In Relationships Fix

Rodney Noble

Toxic Thoughts That Can Destroy Your Relationship And How To Fix Them

A Revolutionary Program to Release Chronic Pain and Anxiety

21 min

We Who Wrestle with God

Jordan B. Peterson

An exploration of foundational Biblical text

18 min

3.8

How to Finish Everything You Start

Jan Yager

Habits to Transform Your Life

In Business, Politics, Relationships, and Life

19 min

The ONE Thing

Gary Keller and Jay Papasan

The surprisingly simple truth behind extraordinary results

Understanding Self-Motivation

22 min

4.3

Buffett and Munger Unscripted

Warren E. Buffett

Insights from Decades of Berkshire Hathaway Shareholder Meetings

21 min

4.3

10 Days to Faster Reading

The Princeton Language Institute and Abby Marks Beale

Zip Through Books, Magazines, and Newspapers – Understand and Remember Everything You Read

Getting Past Your Breakup

Susan J. Elliott

How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You

The Revolutionary Art of Happiness

27 min

4.8

The Grieving Body

Mary-Frances O'Connor

How the Stress of Loss Can Be an Opportunity for Healing

23 min

4.6

Younger Next Year

Chris Crowley & Henry S. Lodge with Allan J. Hamilton

Live Strong, Fit, Sexy, and Smart – Until You’re 80 and Beyond

Communicate with Confidence, Influence and Authority

The New Science of Interviewing

Rest More, Stress Less, and Live the Life You Actually Want

17 min

Tell Yourself a Better Lie

Marisa Peer

Use the Power of Rapid Transformational Therapy to Edit Your Story and Rewrite Your Life.

21 min

3.4

Consciousness Explained

Daniel C. Dennett

Redefine Your Understanding of the Mind and Consciousness

An examination of the amoral game and techniques of seducers

19 min

4.0

The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F*ck

Sarah Knight

How to Stop Spending Time You Don’t Have with People You Don’t Like Doing Things You Don’t Want to Do

12 min

3.1

How to Win Friends and Influence People

Dale Carnegie

Basic rules for how to make a good first impression

52 Smart Ideas for Boosting Creativity, Innovation and Inspiration at Work

22 min

3.5

Fashionable Nonsense

Alan Sokal and Jean Bricmont

Postmodern Intellectuals’ Abuse of Science

The Secret History of China's Most Powerful Company

Explore the Hidden Powers That Govern Our World Today

18 min

4.2

Make Change That Lasts

Rangan Chatterjee

9 Simple Ways to Break Free from the Habits That Hold You Back

The Secret of Your Success Is Determined by Your Daily Agenda

17 min

4.2

The Laws of Simplicity

John Maeda

Design, Technology, Business, Life

18 min

3.8

Taming Silicon Valley

Gary F. Marcus

How We Can Ensure That AI Works for Us

20 min

4.1

Attitude Is Everything

Jeff Keller

Change Your Attitude... Change Your Life!

20 min

4.3

People ❤️ Blinkist

Sven O.

It's highly addictive to get core insights on personally relevant topics without repetition or triviality. Added to that the apps ability to suggest kindred interests opens up a foundation of knowledge.

Thi Viet Quynh N.

Great app. Good selection of book summaries you can read or listen to while commuting. Instead of scrolling through your social media news feed, this is a much better way to spend your spare time in my opinion.

Jonathan A.

Life changing. The concept of being able to grasp a book's main point in such a short time truly opens multiple opportunities to grow every area of your life at a faster rate.

Renee D.

Great app. Addicting. Perfect for wait times, morning coffee, evening before bed. Extremely well written, thorough, easy to use.