It’s Not You Book Summary - It’s Not You Book explained in key points
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It’s Not You summary

Sara Eckel

27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single

4.3 (79 ratings)
16 mins

Brief summary

'It's Not You' by Sara Eckel is a self-help book that redefines the way we view our romantic failures and provides a fresh perspective for coping with them. It encourages readers to let go of society's unrealistic expectations and to embrace their authentic selves.

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    It’s Not You
    Summary of 8 key ideas

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    It’s okay to be yourself and to feel lonely from time to time.

    If you’re unhappily single, you may have heard that, before you can find a partner, you need to fix things about yourself. This, in fact, is the advice of many dating experts.

    But this advice puts the blame for your singledom on you and your needy and off-putting personality. It also leads people to believe that they need to resolve their own personal and self-esteem issues before they can even hope to start a relationship, which simply isn’t true.

    Psychologist John Gottman, who has been researching newlywed couples, is determined that there isn’t some ideal personality that is required for a successful relationship. Rather, the challenge is to find a person who accepts you for the person you are, neuroses and all.

    So don’t beat yourself up thinking that you need to fix your relationship with your parents or overcome your low self-esteem in order to be someone’s loving partner or spouse. According to psychology professor Kristin Neff, people with low self-esteem are generally just as lovable as those with high self-esteem.

    That said, it’s absolutely normal for feelings of loneliness to be accompanied by feelings of shame and a desire to fix yourself.

    These feelings are wired into our brains because, for our ancestors, living alone was a deadly proposition; long ago, we needed company to help protect us from dangerous predators. Neuroscientist John Cacioppo tells us that the shame we feel about loneliness is still part of our biological wiring, and it can kick in even when we’re living safely in a studio apartment.

    So, if you want to ease these feelings, the best thing to do is simply accept them as part of the human experience.

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    What is It’s Not You about?

    It’s Not You (2014) is an antidote to the stereotypical dating guides that offer advice that isn’t relevant to today’s modern lifestyles. Here you’ll discover why you no longer need to panic about being single after you turn 30 and why marriage needn’t be regarded as key to your happiness. This is a guide to help today’s single women navigate a dating world that is quite different than it was just a generation ago.

    It’s Not You Review

    It's Not You (2014) is a refreshing read with a powerful message that challenges societal expectations around finding love. Here's why this book is worth your time:

    • This book delivers insightful revelations about relationships, debunking common myths and providing a fresh perspective on self-worth and dating.
    • Backed by personal stories and research, it offers practical advice on how to navigate the dating world with confidence and authenticity.
    • It's a thought-provoking exploration of our cultural obsession with love and relationships, keeping readers engaged and making it far from boring.

    Best quote from It’s Not You

    If everyone had to get right with themselves before finding a partner, the population would have died off long ago.

    —Sara Eckel
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    Who should read It’s Not You?

    • Single women in their thirties
    • Married women who are afraid of leaving a toxic relationship
    • Anyone who feels guilty about being single

    About the Author

    Sara Eckel is a freelance writer whose essays and criticism have appeared in a number of publications, including the Washington Post and Glamour. It’s Not You, based on her popular Modern Love column for the New York Times, is her first book.

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    It’s Not You FAQs 

    What is the main message of It’s Not You?

    It’s Not You reminds us that finding love is about understanding ourselves and embracing our uniqueness.

    How long does it take to read It’s Not You?

    The reading time for It’s Not You varies depending on the reader's speed. However, you can read the Blinkist summary in just a few minutes.

    Is It’s Not You a good book? Is it worth reading?

    It’s Not You is a refreshing and insightful book that offers a new perspective on dating and relationships.

    Who is the author of It’s Not You?

    Sara Eckel is the author of It’s Not You.

    What to read after It’s Not You?

    If you're wondering what to read next after It’s Not You, here are some recommendations we suggest:
    • Unrequited by Lisa A. Phillips
    • Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J. Elliott
    • Deeper Dating by Ken Page
    • Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
    • How to Be Alone by Sara Maitland
    • Closer to Love by Vex King
    • Single On Purpose by John Kim
    • How to Be the Love You Seek by Nicole LePera
    • Single, Dating, Engaged, Married by Ben Stuart
    • Do Breathe by Michael Townsend Williams