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It’s Not You

27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single

By Sara Eckel
15-minute read
Audio available
It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single by Sara Eckel

It’s Not You (2014) is an antidote to the stereotypical dating guides that offer advice that isn’t relevant to today’s modern lifestyles. Here you’ll discover why you no longer need to panic about being single after you turn 30 and why marriage needn’t be regarded as key to your happiness. This is a guide to help today’s single women navigate a dating world that is quite different than it was just a generation ago.

  • Single women in their thirties
  • Married women who are afraid of leaving a toxic relationship
  • Anyone who feels guilty about being single

Sara Eckel is a freelance writer whose essays and criticism have appeared in a number of publications, including the Washington Post and Glamour. It’s Not You, based on her popular Modern Love column for the New York Times, is her first book.

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It’s Not You

27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single

By Sara Eckel
  • Read in 15 minutes
  • Audio & text available
  • Contains 9 key ideas
It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single by Sara Eckel
Synopsis

It’s Not You (2014) is an antidote to the stereotypical dating guides that offer advice that isn’t relevant to today’s modern lifestyles. Here you’ll discover why you no longer need to panic about being single after you turn 30 and why marriage needn’t be regarded as key to your happiness. This is a guide to help today’s single women navigate a dating world that is quite different than it was just a generation ago.

Key idea 1 of 9

It’s okay to be yourself and to feel lonely from time to time.

If you’re unhappily single, you may have heard that, before you can find a partner, you need to fix things about yourself. This, in fact, is the advice of many dating experts.

But this advice puts the blame for your singledom on you and your needy and off-putting personality. It also leads people to believe that they need to resolve their own personal and self-esteem issues before they can even hope to start a relationship, which simply isn’t true.

Psychologist John Gottman, who has been researching newlywed couples, is determined that there isn’t some ideal personality that is required for a successful relationship. Rather, the challenge is to find a person who accepts you for the person you are, neuroses and all.

So don’t beat yourself up thinking that you need to fix your relationship with your parents or overcome your low self-esteem in order to be someone’s loving partner or spouse. According to psychology professor Kristin Neff, people with low self-esteem are generally just as lovable as those with high self-esteem.

That said, it’s absolutely normal for feelings of loneliness to be accompanied by feelings of shame and a desire to fix yourself.

These feelings are wired into our brains because, for our ancestors, living alone was a deadly proposition; long ago, we needed company to help protect us from dangerous predators. Neuroscientist John Cacioppo tells us that the shame we feel about loneliness is still part of our biological wiring, and it can kick in even when we’re living safely in a studio apartment.

So, if you want to ease these feelings, the best thing to do is simply accept them as part of the human experience.

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