Why We Love Book Summary - Why We Love Book explained in key points

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Why We Love summary

Name: Why We Love
Rating: 4.4 (169 reviews)
Author: Helen Fisher

Helen Fisher

The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love

4.4 (169 ratings)

20 mins

Topics

The Psychology of Love Love Sex

Table of Contents

Why We Love
Summary of 10 key ideas

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Key idea 1 of 10

What’s in it for me? Find out why we fall in love.

We all experience the powerful phenomenon of love, be it the happiness of finding a soulmate or the depression of rejection.

But what is love, exactly?

In this book, biological anthropologist Helen Fisher explains how our feelings of romance, sexual desire and attachment are all the product of our brains. Beyond offering profound insights into what love is, she goes on to explain how and why evolution gave us the ability to love in the first place.

In these blinks you’ll also discover

the perfect measurements for a Playboy model,
why women are indeed attracted to men with money and
why standing on a high bridge can help you fall in love.

The characteristics of romantic love are universal.

When we’re in love, we feel like we’re experiencing something unique to us. But, looking back across time and cultures, there are symptoms everyone feels when they fall in love.

One common symptom is the significance we give to those we love. We become intensely focused on our beloved, and they pervade our thoughts, dreams and actions. We believe they are unique and flawless, and idealize them to the extent that we see everything they do – even their weaknesses – through rose-colored glasses.

For example, your beloved might have crooked teeth or a speech impediment like a lisp. And although these imperfections are generally seen as unattractive, you perceive them as part of their cuteness or specialness because they belong to the one you love.

These feelings of love are shared by people across the world.

The author’s studies have shown that these experiences of love are the same for everyone – independent of age, culture or sexual orientation.

But surely there are differences in how love is experienced around the world, right?

Indeed, but where differences between societies exist, there are clear cultural explanations. In one of the author’s studies, many more Japanese than American participants agreed with the statement “When I am talking to [the person I love] I am often afraid that I will say the wrong thing.” This can be explained by the fact that, in Japanese society, meeting a member of the opposite sex is more formal and less frequent than in America. This shyness is therefore a consequence of culture, rather than the love itself being different.

Romantic love is the result of chemical processes in the brain.

For thousands of years, people have wondered what the cause of love is. Some believe it is a profoundly spiritual phenomenon, but modern science has proven that it is the result of chemicals in the brain. In particular, the experience of love is caused by three key neurotransmitters: dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin.

Dopamine is one of the key neurotransmitters researchers have found to coincide with feelings of romantic love. In fact, it’s one of the most powerful neurotransmitters responsible for your mood in general, influencing attention, motivation and addiction – all important characteristics of being in love.

Along with romantic love, there are two other forms of affection: lust and attachment.

In the previous blink, we learned how brain chemistry contributes to our feelings of romantic love. But romance isn’t the only way we experience love or desire. There are two other forms of affection: lust and attachment, feelings that are associated with the production of specific hormones.

Let’s start with the juicy part.

We are all attracted to mystery, difference and symmetry.

Everyone has a different image of their ideal partner: some like them small, some tall, some thin, some fat. Nevertheless, there are certain factors that none of us can resist.

One type of person we all find attractive – no matter our gender – is someone different from ourselves.

Men tend to judge mates on their appearance, while women look for smart and successful ones.

As seen in the previous blink, we all share the same biological chemistry that causes us to experience love. But this doesn’t mean that men and women experience love in exactly the same way. In fact, there are some major differences between the two.

One major difference is the characteristics we look for in a partner.

We all have a “love map” which charts the characteristics we find desirable in a mate.

As we get older, we start to discover what we particularly like in our partners: a big smile, green eyes or a good sense of humor. As these details accumulate over time, they form into a love map: a chart in our unconscious mind of all the things – like eye and hair color, type of personality and sexual preferences – we find the most attractive.

But where does a love map come from?

The origins of romantic love can be traced back 3.5 million years.

Have you ever asked yourself where the idea of romantic love originates from? The answer can be found way back in our evolutionary history.

Some 3.5 million years ago, human beings made a giant evolutionary shift when they started to walk upright. Although it provided them with many advantages, walking on two feet forced mothers to carry their babies in their arms instead of on their backs. And since their hands were full, mothers could no longer gather food for themselves or easily run away from predators. This meant they needed someone – a mate – to stay with them and help keep the children safe.

As humans evolved, so did their capacity for romantic love.

In the previous blink, we learned that the first “humans” to experience romantic love probably felt it in a rather primitive way. But along our evolutionary path, our brains’ complexity increased and our capacity to experience love grew.

About 1.8 million years ago, there was a major evolutionary development: the appearance of language, the capability of expressing oneself with words. It’s arguable that there is no better way of displaying one’s romantic love than with language. We can be sure that the first humans’ capacity for love increased when this new ability appeared. Now they could woo, tease and flatter each other with tales, songs and gossip – things that can only be done with language.

Exciting dates increase relationship satisfaction – and can even trigger love.

We all know that romantic love can ebb and flow: one day you feel immensely attracted to someone, the next detached and indifferent. Love seems to follow its own rules – but that’s not to say it’s uncontrollable. In fact, there are a few things you can do to keep the flame alive.

Like doing new and exciting things.

When you’ve been rejected, force yourself to remain active.

As most people know, there are few pains greater than being rejected by someone you love. It can make you feel depressed, and want to just lie around all day. But instead of giving up on yourself, you need to stop wallowing in self-pity and take action. In fact, this is the only way to mitigate the pain.

Why?

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What is Why We Love about?

Helen Fisher’s Why We Love (2004) is not only a report on her latest astonishing research but a sensitive description of the infinite facets of romantic love. This book is a scientifically grounded examination of love that reveals how, why and who we love.

This is a Blinkist staff pick

“Curious to find out why love affects our brains the same way as cocaine? Want to understand how evolution is linked to the prevailing structure of monogamy? A perfect title for those interested in the biological side of love.”

– Justyna, Web Product Designer

Best quote from Why We Love

Very important, all of the basic drives are associated with elevated levels of dopamine. So is romantic love.

—Helen Fisher

Who should read Why We Love?

Anyone who wants to understand romantic love
Anyone interested in emotions and the brain
Anyone who wants to maintain the feeling of romantic love in their relationship

About the Author

Helen Fisher is an American biological anthropologist recognized as a leading authority on the subject of love. She has published five books describing the evolution and experience of love.

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Psychology Sex & Relationships

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