Men and women show love in different ways – and love thrives when we accept our differences.

When we’re in relationships, we sometimes expect our partners to act exactly like we do. But, of course, they don’t. It can feel frustrating and confusing, as though our partners were from a different planet. 

The author, John Gray, focuses on heterosexual relationships. The question he asks is this: How can a man and a woman alleviate tensions and build intimacy? His answer? They need to learn to respect one another’s differences.

The key message here is: Men and women show love in different ways – and love thrives when we accept our differences.

Imagine that all of us come from different planets. As the title suggests, “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.” Now imagine that Martians discovered Venusians through their telescopes, and invented space travel to visit them. The Venusians welcomed the Martian visitors with open hearts. Love triumphed, and Martians and Venusians lived together in harmony – until, one day, they flew to Earth together and were hit by selective amnesia. Martians and Venusians completely forgot they were from different planets. And love was replaced by conflict. 

So what happened? 

Have you heard women saying that men just never listen? Why is that? Well, when a woman – a Venusian – feels overwhelmed, she gets relief from talking through her feelings. So she turns to her partner, hoping for an empathetic ear.

A man, however, mistakenly believes his job is to solve the woman’s problem. In return, he expects appreciation and love. What happens, however, is very different. The woman doesn’t receive the support she was seeking, and the man ends up feeling rejected. So how do you avoid this? Well, as a man, you should simply listen to your partner and give her your undivided attention.

Unlike Venusians, upset Martians prefer to withdraw to their caves when they have a problem. A consequence of this is that he may temporarily disengage from his relationship. He doesn’t want his partner to worry, though, he simply wants to be left alone.

It can be hard for a woman to respect this need. After all, on Venus, you show somebody that you love them by offering ideas for improvement. But this type of unsolicited advice can trigger a man’s latent insecurities.

Still, Martians and Venusians can achieve harmony once they become accustomed to each other’s methods of dealing with stress. In fact, when a man gets good at listening, he may even begin to emerge from his cave more often, eager to offer his partner extra support.