I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) Book Summary - I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) Book explained in key points

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I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) summary

Name: I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t)
Rating: 4.4 (602 reviews)
Author: Brené Brown

Brené Brown

Making the Journey From “What Will People Think?” to “I Am Enough”

4.4 (602 ratings)

15 mins

Brief summary

"I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t)" by Brené Brown is a self-help book that empowers women to embrace vulnerability and overcome shame. Brown shares insights from her research and personal experiences, offering the reader practical strategies for building resilience and self-acceptance.

Topics

Confidence Self-Help

Table of Contents

I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t)
Summary of 7 key ideas

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Key idea 1 of 7

What’s in it for me? Take an in-depth look at the emotion and experience of shame.

Do you ever think back to something embarrassing you did in the past and wish the earth would just swallow you up as you replay that moment over and over? Perhaps you texted someone you liked and were flatly rejected, or maybe you made a major blunder at work in front of all your colleagues.

That feeling? It’s shame – a complex blend of embarrassment, pain and a sense of isolation that makes you suspect your mistake somehow marks you as a mediocre or deeply fallible person.

But in the end, absolutely everyone is fallible. Realizing that mistakes, and the profoundly negative feelings they can prompt, are shared by many helps to mitigate our experience of shame, and can let us feel safe in the knowledge that we’re not alone.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

what can trigger shame;
how empathy can be a powerful antidote to shame; and
why we should all give up on the pursuit of perfection.

Shame is a confusing and painful emotion caused by rejection at sensitive times.

There are plenty of uncomfortable topics of conversation that most of us will try to steer clear of, but one subject that people particularly loathe discussing is the emotion of shame. As a result, many of us don’t have a proper understanding of what it really is.

Shame is a visceral emotion whose exact characteristics are difficult to describe, but at its core, it has to do with a feeling of not being good enough. Articulating such an experience can be difficult – after all, discussing shame requires us to, at least to a certain degree, relive the pain it causes.

That being said, when the author interviewed over 300 people about how they experience shame, she discovered a theme; shame is a negative feeling connected to a sense of rejection and the exposure of aspects of ourselves that we tend to hide.

Based on this information, the author put together the following definition: shame is a deeply painful sensation that stems from the belief that we’re not good enough, and that this shortcoming will prevent us from being accepted by and belonging to a group.

But how does shame arise?

Most often, shame occurs when people seek compassion, but experience rejection instead. For instance, one participant in the author’s study spoke about how her mother persistently shamed her because of her weight. When the participant visited her mother, the first words out of her mother’s mouth would be about how she was still fat, and the last would be about how she hoped her daughter could lose weight before they saw each other next.

Or consider another participant whose mother committed suicide when she was in high school. It was a time when she needed support and compassion, but she was instead ostracized by her fellow students for being the daughter of a crazy lady who hung herself.

Even from these examples, it’s clear that a lack of empathy precipitates shame, and that’s precisely what we’ll explore next.

The solution to shame is empathy; understanding another person’s perspective without judgment.

If you get bitten by a venomous snake, you can receive a dose of antivenom that will save you. This is a dramatic example of the many antidotes available to us, and thankfully, a powerful antidote also exists for the feeling of shame – it’s called empathy.

Since everyone experiences shame, what truly matters is that we learn how to manage it.

Dealing with shame requires recognizing it and understanding where it comes from.

Have you ever felt like you’re coming down with some sort of illness, but just decided to ignore it? If you have, you likely learned that listening to yourself is important to your physical health – and the same goes for your mental health.

As such, to deal with shame, you first need to recognize it. Through her research, the author found that the people who could notice and precisely describe their shame were much better at handling it.

Critical awareness gives us a wider perspective on shame.

On one occasion, while giving a presentation on critical awareness to a pharmaceutical company, the author found herself losing the interest of her audience. Rather than feeling shame or panic, she simply told them that they seemed more interested in the pizza that would follow the presentation than in her talk. By doing so, she was exercising awareness of herself.

She went on to explain that she knew they only had a short lunch break and that the pizza was a major incentive for them to be there at all. By pointing this out, she was displaying critical awareness. This all-important ability refers to understanding both why and how something happens.

Connecting with others is a form of healing, both for us and for them.

When we feel hurt or ashamed, a common reaction is to retreat into ourselves. However, what we actually need is to do exactly the opposite; connecting with others is crucial to healing from the experience of shame.

The opposite of shame is self-esteem. There is a broad tendency to believe that certain things, namely a successful career or a terrific outfit, will boost our self-esteem – but the reality is entirely different.

The lie of perfection fuels shame and makes it hard for us to care for others.

Most of us know that the perfection we see depicted on TV isn’t real. But it’s still easy to get sucked into the illusion that it is.

This is a prime example of how perfection is a shame-producing lie. Just take Alex, the iconic 1980s character played by Jennifer Beals in the movie Flashdance. In the famous dance audition scene, Alex nails an incredible number that combines ballet and breakdance. But in reality, the scene is a combination of Jennifer Beals’ face, a professional ballet dancer, a top gymnast and even a male breakdancer.

Anger is a tempting way to cover up shame – but it only makes things worse.

Have you ever totally lost it on someone just so you didn’t have to be honest about how hurt, ashamed or embarrassed you were feeling? It’s a common reaction, and anger is a tempting tool with which to hide shame.

In fact, shame even appears to be directly related to blaming, as people are constantly pointing fingers to avoid confronting their feelings. Psychologists June Tangney and Ronda Dearing say that people can protect themselves from their shame by projecting it outward and blaming others through a self-righteous burst of anger.

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What is I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) about?

I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) (2008) is a guide to the visceral and thoroughly human emotion of shame. These blinks explain this complex feeling, discuss how it arises and describe ways in which empathy and connecting with one another can help humans heal.

I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) Review

I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) (2007) by Brené Brown is a thought-provoking exploration of shame and its impact on women's lives. Here's why this book is worth reading:

Through real-life stories and research-based insights, the book provides a deep understanding of shame and offers practical strategies for overcoming it.
The author's compassionate approach helps readers feel seen and understood, creating a safe space for self-reflection and personal growth.
With its emphasis on connection and empathy, this book resonates with readers, offering validation and empowerment in navigating shame and embracing vulnerability.

Best quote from I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t)

Something moved me away from Im so stupid – Im a terrible mother to That was pretty stupid – Im an overwhelmed mother.

—Brené Brown

Who should read I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t)?

People who feel shame and want to know how to deal with it
People who get angry for no reason and end up blaming others
People who want to develop their empathy skills

About the Author

Brené Brown is a social worker and scientist who has interviewed hundreds of people about the emotion of shame. A popular speaker, she has given various TED Talks and is the author of several other titles, including Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection.

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