All About Love Book Summary - All About Love Book explained in key points

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All About Love summary

Name: All About Love
Rating: 4.4 (144 reviews)
Author: bell hooks

bell hooks

New Visions

4.4 (144 ratings)

14 mins

Table of Contents

All About Love
summarized in 6 key ideas

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Key idea 1 of 6

What’s in it for me? Learn how to enhance your relationships by looking at love differently.

It begins when we're children. Fairy tales, the media, the romantic stories of older relatives – all teach us the same thing: that love has the power to change our lives for the better. But love seems to be lacking in our current world – a lot of people feel cynical about it, and as a culture, our focus is more on power and materialism. This, however, hasn’t stopped many of us from continuing to look for love, even if we do so hopelessly.

But the problem isn’t that love is hard to find; it’s that we don’t really know what it is in the first place.

In these blinks, you’ll discover the flaws not just in our ideas of what love is, but also in what we expect to gain from it and how we look for it. You’ll gain the knowledge to rebuild your understanding of love and transform your approach to it going forward – from family bonds to the relationships you have with yourself and others.

In these blinks, you’ll discover

why loving feelings enable hurtful actions;
how a simple life can make room for more love; and
the important lessons you can learn from your friends.

We need to change our definition of love.

What’s a topic we’re all familiar with, one that can be found in the movies we watch, the books we read, and the songs we sing along to? If you’re guessing love, then you’re spot on. But despite being surrounded by images of, and ideas about love, a lot of us have a flawed understanding of what it is exactly. This makes finding love in our own lives a lot harder.

We tend to think of love as strong affection for family, friends, or romantic partners. However, the problem with focusing on that feeling is that we ignore the choices and actions that are necessary for love to truly flourish. In some cases, this emphasis on the feeling even causes us to overlook or excuse actions that are clearly devoid of love. Just consider the fact that many people who are mistreated in relationships insist that they love their partners and their partners love them.

This idea that we’re loved even when we’re being hurt isn’t only associated with romantic relationships; we actually learn it as children. Many parents discipline their children with physical punishment or shouting while still maintaining that they love them. Because of this, children become adults who believe that it’s okay for those who claim to love them to mistreat them.

If we want to truly know love, we need to understand it not just as a feeling, but also as a verb. The author suggests a definition shared by many psychologists and theorists before her: that love is the active nurturing of spiritual growth in ourselves and others.

When we think of love in this way, we start looking for acts of love that we can perform – rather than relying only on feelings – and we create a society that’s less tolerant of abuse and neglect in any kind of relationship.

Our culture encourages dishonesty and celebrates materialism, making it difficult for us to experience love.

Imagine you’re creating an online dating profile. You’ve got a great picture next to all your interesting hobbies, and now you have to list your qualities. What are the chances that you’ll describe yourself as someone who lies? Slim, right?

We’ve been raised with the notion that lying is wrong – but strangely enough, when it comes to relationships, our society actually encourages men and women to lie to each other.

Self-love and spirituality are the foundations for loving relationships with others and the wider world.

How many times have you heard that people need to love themselves first before they can love others? This advice is repeated over and over again by well-meaning friends and family, psychologists, and self-help books. And the truth is, they all have a point.

When we love ourselves and nurture our own growth, we can then do the same for others. This sets the stage for positive relationships. However, self-love isn’t something that we’re born knowing how to do; we have to work to learn it.

Experiencing community, in the form of family and friendships, teaches us how to love.

If you were asked to list the members of your family, where would you start and end? Most people just think of their nuclear family, meaning their parents and any siblings. This is because society tends to emphasize the nuclear family while ignoring extended family – the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and the like, who form a community that each of us is born into.

Communities are ideal spaces to learn how to love. By disregarding the community of extended family, we lower the chances of children experiencing love. In isolated nuclear families, women might start to depend only on their husbands, while children become totally dependent on their mothers. This creates a setting where abuse and neglect can occur unchecked.

Mutual growth through sharing, communicating, and honesty is at the core of love.

Say you’re having coffee with a friend, and the topic of relationships comes up. You ask your friend what they want in a partner. They describe how they’d like to be treated and outline what they’d want their partner to do for them.

While it makes sense to expect to get something in our relationships, we often focus on this and ignore another important component: the fact that we also have to give. We all need to receive things like time, care, affection, and attention. And when partners give to each other generously so that both have their needs met, there is shared growth and nurturing in the relationship.

Believing that romantic love is not something we can control and that it should be easy creates unrealistic expectations.

When was the last time you watched a romcom, or read a romance novel – a few weeks ago? A few years? Either way, you’re probably familiar with the standard storyline: boy meets girl, and they inexplicably fall in love – neither has any control over the situation.

The idea that we don’t choose who we love doesn’t just exist in romcoms and books; many people expect their own romantic relationships to work that way. But accepting this lack of control stops us from being intentional in love; it prevents us from taking the time to figure out what we need in a partner and what we can offer that partner in return. Being selective in our romantic relationships gives us a better shot at choosing partners who are right for us, and with whom we can grow.

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What is All About Love about?

All About Love (2000) breaks down why love remains elusive for many of us. From our flawed understanding of what love is to our misguided expectations of romantic love, author bell hooks examines common barriers to love and explains the steps individuals need to take for society to become more loving and nurturing.

Best quote from All About Love

The love we make in community stays with us wherever we go.

—bell hooks

Who should read All About Love?

Introspective thinkers who want to understand love better
Community-minded people looking to improve their relationships
Anyone interested in gender roles and relationships

About the Author

bell hooks was a leading intellectual, writer, feminist, and cultural critic whose work focused on capitalism, gender, and race. At the age of 19, she began writing Ain’t I a Woman: Black Women and Feminism, which has become essential reading for those interested in the topics of racism and sexism. She went on to write more than 30 books, including Yearning: Race, Gender, and Cultural Politics, which won the American Book Award, and Salvation: Black People and Love, which was nominated for the Hurston Wright Legacy Award.

Categories with All About Love

Sex & Relationships Society & Culture

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