How to Be the Love You Seek Book Summary - How to Be the Love You Seek Book explained in key points
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How to Be the Love You Seek summary

Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships

4.1 (101 ratings)
16 mins
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    How to Be the Love You Seek
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    Stories from the past

    You probably didn’t need LePera’s dark night of the soul story to know that early relationships are hugely influential. Even if you haven’t consciously made this connection, it’s likely you’ve subconsciously experienced it at some point or another. 

    Our way of relating to our parental figures and primary caregivers is called our conditioning or, as LePera terms it, our conditioned selves. As kids, these pivotal dynamics quickly taught us how to think, speak, and act to receive the love and acceptance every being inherently wants and needs. 

    You may be equally unsurprised by the implications of this conditioning: instinctually, our conditioned selves seek out relationships as adults that mirror the early ones we had as children. This is true even if the dynamics we had with our parental figures were dysfunctional. A blessing and a curse of being a human is that we neurobiologically tend toward familiarity – not necessarily functionality. 

    On one hand, this means that if our childhood relationships were safe and secure, we’re highly likely to reenact safe and secure dynamics as adults. The problem, however, is that few of us had primary caregivers who were well-regulated – who felt safe and secure themselves. As a result, most of us adopted maladaptive ways of navigating the world: patterns we then invariably repeat in our romantic relationships all these years later. 

    These patterns are popularly known as fight, flight, freeze, and fawn, and they describe how we grew to seek love and acceptance. In truth, we each act out our own unique blend depending on the nuances of our early conditioning. But unless our parental figures were particularly attuned, we’ve acquired some variation of this survival strategy. 

    It’s crucial to highlight here that although having unmet emotional needs as children wasn’t our fault, healing from this subtle trauma as adults is our responsibility. Fortunately, LePera has a roadmap for making this healing possible – one she followed herself and which has since guided many of her clients. You too can follow this roadmap, starting now! 

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    What is How to Be the Love You Seek about?

    How to Be the Love You Seek (2023) is part candid memoir, part practical manual to improving your romantic relationships. Supported by personal experience and patient case studies, it argues that deep inner work is the essential prerequisite to secure, loving outer relationships – and outlines the process to make this transformation possible. 

    How to Be the Love You Seek Review

    How to Be the Love You Seek (2021) is a book that explores the power of self-love and guides readers on their journey to finding love within themselves. Here are three reasons why this book is worth reading:

    • With its practical exercises and tools, it provides a roadmap for personal growth and transformation.
    • By combining psychological insights with spirituality and mindfulness, the book offers a comprehensive approach to self-love.
    • Through inspiring stories and relatable examples, it creates a connection with readers and brings the concepts of self-love to life.

    Who should read How to Be the Love You Seek?

    • Anyone looking to improve their romantic relationship(s) 
    • Individuals committed to moving past old wounds and trauma 
    • People interested in self-development and personal growth 

    About the Author

    Nicole LePera is an American psychologist and best-selling author, whose work focuses primarily on self-healing modalities of therapy. LePera has two previous books, How to Do the Work and How to Meet Your Self, and leads the #selfhealers community under her online moniker, The Holistic Psychologist. 

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    How to Be the Love You Seek FAQs 

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    The main message of How to Be the Love You Seek is to cultivate self-love and create authentic relationships.

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    The reading time for How to Be the Love You Seek varies, but it typically takes several hours. The Blinkist summary can be read in just 15 minutes.

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    How to Be the Love You Seek is worth reading as it offers valuable insights on self-love and building meaningful connections.

    Who is the author of How to Be the Love You Seek?

    The author of How to Be the Love You Seek is Nicole LePera.

    What to read after How to Be the Love You Seek?

    If you're wondering what to read next after How to Be the Love You Seek, here are some recommendations we suggest:
    • Securely Attached by Eli Harwood
    • Lessons for Living by Phil Stutz
    • Make Possibilities Happen by Grace Hawthorne
    • How to Do the Work by Nicole LePera
    • How to Meet Your Self by Nicole LePera
    • The (Honest) Truth About Dishonesty by Dan Ariely
    • The Origins of You by Vienna Pharaon
    • Same as Ever by Morgan Housel
    • Thinking, Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman
    • You Are the One You've Been Waiting For by Richard C. Schwartz