Eight Dates Book Summary - Eight Dates Book explained in key points

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Eight Dates summary

Name: Eight Dates
Rating: 4.4 (327 reviews)
Author: John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams

John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams

Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

4.4 (327 ratings)

22 mins

Topics

Sex Marriage Love Dating

Table of Contents

Eight Dates
Summary of 8 key ideas

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Key idea 1 of 8

What’s in it for me? Discover the secrets to love-filled relationships by going on eight dates.

Love is a fickle thing. The majority of us have felt love at some point in our lives, and many of us are currently in love with people we’re honored to call our partners. But whether you’re newly in love or have been together for decades, there’s no question you’ve experienced moments of doubt about your partnership. Maybe you’ve wondered if this is the right person for you, or if you can imagine growing old with your partner. Do your goals, personalities and beliefs align?

The following blinks help you answer such questions and bring even more love into your relationship. Each blink will outline one of the eight dates all couples should go on, with each date focusing on an area that couples need to discuss in order for their relationship to thrive.

The order of the dates is not important. Start with whichever one feels right to you, but make sure to go through all of them. For maximum effectiveness, read these blinks together with your partner, so that you’re both on the same page when date night arrives.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

why fighting can be a positive part of a relationship;
how your experiences as a child can play a big role in your present relationship; and
why only a third of couples with children are as happy as before they became parents.

Trust and commitment are the cornerstones of any successful long-term relationship.

Every relationship comes to a point where commitment begins to waver. Maybe you met an interesting person, and you begin to consider how your life might be with them instead of your partner. It’s one thing to briefly fantasize about that alternate universe. It’s another thing to do so regularly. If this is the case, you may be experiencing a lack of commitment in your current relationship.

Commitment means being there for your partner, no matter what. Instead of allowing yourself to get involved in situations that might lead to infidelity, you avoid these situations altogether, as you know they will negatively impact the trust in your relationship. And instead of seeking out others who might not have the flaws your partner does, you talk about your feelings and needs with your partner openly. That’s true commitment, and all long-lasting relationships are built on it.

The bedrock of commitment is trust. Trust is the oxygen that helps every relationship breathe. Trust isn’t something that happens overnight, but over months and years of helping a relationship grow. It’s built by being on time, keeping one’s promises and always being there for your partner when they’re in need. Conversely, trust is damaged when one does the opposite of these things or engages in deceitful behavior.

One of the most important ways to build trust in a relationship is through conversation. This leads us to the first of the eight dates, which is all about trust and commitment. Before the date, identify what trust and commitment mean to you personally. It can be helpful to think about your parents, and how trust and commitment affected your family life growing up. Also, try to come up with a few examples of how your partner has shown their commitment to you recently.

When date night arrives, it’s time to have a conversation. Take turns asking and answering questions like, “When was the last time you didn’t trust me and what could I have done differently?” Or perhaps “What can I do to prove that I am committed to you and our relationship?” And finally, “What are the differences between our definitions of trust and commitment – and how can we resolve them?”

Conflict is part and parcel of any relationship, but there is a correct way to fight.

All couples fight. In fact, fighting can be a therapeutic and even healthy way for couples to express their differences and learn more about each other. Research shows that the happiest couples are the ones who can handle conflict, listen to their partner and try to understand their point of view. But if done wrong, fighting can exacerbate unstable relationships and lead to incidents that cause irreconcilable breakups.

To help make sure your relationship doesn’t go down that road, go on date number two. This date is all about addressing conflict. Before going on it, you should identify potential areas of conflict in your relationship.

Sex and intimacy might be hard topics for some couples, but it’s necessary to talk about them.

When it comes to talking about the “birds and the bees,” most couples run into trouble. In fact, a minority of couples talk openly about sex. This is unfortunate, as even the mere act of talking about sex can lead to better sex. Research shows that couples that discuss their sex life openly have more sex than those who don’t. And the women in these couples have more frequent orgasms.

But for many couples, particularly those who come from different backgrounds, the next date on our list might cause some difficulty. Take one couple, Katya and Ethan. Katya grew up in a family that openly discussed sex, but Ethan says that his father would’ve passed out if he heard the word “vagina.” Coming from these very different backgrounds meant that talking about sex was difficult for them. But by using the questions provided by the authors, Ethan and Katya went on a successful sex and intimacy date. They were able to discuss what they liked and didn’t like about their sex life.

Resolving issues related to work and money is integral for any successful relationship.

Before the 1960s, men worked while women took care of the household, an old-fashioned and sexist configuration. Despite significant shifts in the last decades, the division of labor in a partnership still presents a problem.

Work doesn’t just refer to a paid profession. Non-paid work around the house would cost approximately $90,000 per year if you hired someone to do it for you. What’s more, a 2007 Pew Research study found that sharing housework was the third most important element of a long-lasting marriage, right after being faithful to one’s partner and a healthy sex life.

Decisions about family and children are serious and need to be discussed extensively.

One topic that can be a real deal-breaker for a couple is whether or not to have children. This can also be a bank-breaker. Raising a child to age 18 in the United States costs on average $233,610.

But the potential problems of raising a child don’t stop there. John Gottman, one of the authors, observed a 67 percent drop in marital happiness in couples who had a child within four years of getting married. And this marital happiness doesn’t come back until after the child has left the nest – if the parents haven’t already divorced by this point. So, what sort of recommendations can prospective or current parents follow if they want to avoid this?

Play and adventure are integral parts of any successful relationship.

When was the last time you and your partner went on an adventure? Or simply acted a bit silly together? If you’re finding it hard to remember, it’s probably time for you to introduce a bit of play into your relationship. The importance of having fun with your partner cannot be overstated. Sadly, in today’s world of long work hours and stressful family demands, play often finds itself at the bottom of our to-do lists.

If this sounds familiar, consider how you might cultivate joy in your relationship. Howard Markman, director of the University of Denver’s Centre for Marital and Family Studies, has been studying the fun that couples have since 1996. For him, the numbers speak for themselves – couples that play and laugh regularly are happier couples.

Growth is constant in every relationship, and finding spiritual meaning can be part of that.

Some say change is good. Others say that change is necessary. In relationships, change is simply inevitable. We change, our partners change and our relationships change. Some relationships end due to irreconcilable differences in goals or personalities. But the strongest couples are those which accommodate each person’s changes and allow these changes to help them grow as a couple.

Take Erica and Jake. Erica decided to give up her high-paying marketing job at a big tech firm to achieve her dream of becoming a painter. Jake supported her every step of the way, as he knew how important it was to her. Their money dried up, and they had to downsize their apartment. They gave up basic amenities like cable television. But at every step of the journey, they talked about the changes happening around them, and they continued to support each other through these life-changing decisions. In Erica’s words – they have the “best life ever.” They might not have money, but they have meaning, and they have each other.

To create a lifetime of love, always honor your partner’s dreams.

Everyone has dreams, but a lot of us don’t find the time to pursue them. Modern life can make it hard to align a family, full-time job and dreams. But that’s where having a partner comes in. Partners should always help each other achieve their individual dreams, even if that means sacrificing their own. Sometimes you have to put your dreams on hold while helping your partner achieve theirs. They will do the same for you when the time comes.

This is exactly what Doug and Rachel did. During the early days of their relationship, they were inseparable and totally in love. But Doug had a dream – he wanted to go to Israel for a year to explore his roots. While initially sad, Rachel knew she couldn’t stand in the way of Doug’s dreams. So she encouraged him to go.

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What is Eight Dates about?

Eight Dates (2019) helps couples navigate the ups and downs of a relationship. Whether you’ve been married for years or have just met the love of your life, the bedrock of any relationship is quality conversation. Uncover your partner’s innermost needs and desires by going out on the eight themed dates set out by the authors in this book. But don’t stop there – the wisdom from these eight recommended dates can be applied to any date you and your partner go on.

Who should read Eight Dates?

Anyone in a relationship
Couples looking to bring romance back into their relationship
Aspiring couples therapists or psychology students

About the Author

Dr. John M. Gottman, PhD, is an American psychological researcher, clinician and award-winning speaker. He has over four decades of experience researching divorce prediction and marital stability.

John is married to Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, PhD, a clinical psychologist, speaker and author. Together, they founded the Gottman Institute, a center that provides couples with research-based tools to strengthen relationships. They’ve also published multiple books on love, romance and relationships, such as The Man's Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the "Love Lab" About What Women Really Want and The Science of Couples and Family Therapy: Behind the Scenes at the "Love Lab."

Dr. Rachel Carlton Abrams, MD, is an integrative physician and the author of BodyWise: Discovering Your Body's Intelligence for Lifelong Health and Healing. Her husband, Doug Abrams, is the president and founder of Idea Architects, a literary agency. He is also the author of the best seller The Book of Joy, co-authored with the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu.

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