Come Together Book Summary - Come Together Book explained in key points
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The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections

3.6 (54 ratings)
17 mins
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    Come Together
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    What we really want from sex

    Is sex a big deal for you? Right now, we invite you to consider this question seriously. You may have spent forever assuming that sex “must” be important –⁠ but maybe you don’t actually feel that way. Or the opposite –⁠ sex is even more important to you than you feel like it “should” be.

    Here’s the thing: in reality, there is no objective importance to sex. It’s not like food or water, where you’ll die without it. Because everyone is different, you get to decide what role sex will play in your life and relationships. And remember: whether you view sex as essential or no big deal at all, your feelings are valid.

    If you do think sex has some importance –⁠ why? Most likely, it’s not just the physical sensations you’re after. For most people, the number one reason to have sex is experiencing closeness with a partner. The other top reasons include sharing pleasure with someone else, being desired, and the freedom to escape and lose yourself in ecstasy.

    By asking yourself this question, you’re developing an understanding of what makes sex worthwhile to you. And by understanding your “why,” you can more easily access the “how.” As in –⁠ how to create a context that leads easily to sex. 

    We can think of this mechanism as consisting of an accelerator and brakes. Some factors, feelings, and situations hit our accelerators –⁠ they turn us on and fill us with desire. Others slow us down and prevent us from accessing our libido. Everyone’s different: for one person, the potential for getting caught could hit their accelerator while slamming on another person’s brakes. 

    When you remember a time when accessing pleasure was easy, what was going on in your life or how were you feeling about the state of the world? Exploring this question could tell you a lot about the kinds of things that hit your accelerator. By identifying your personal accelerators and brakes, you open up a conversation with yourself –⁠ and ideally, with your partner –⁠ about how to craft moments of intimacy.

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    What is Come Together about?

    Come Together (2024) warmly and compassionately offers practical advice for improving sexual well-being, particularly in long-term relationships where one or more partners may be experiencing low libido. It explores the complexities of human sexuality with a focus on the science of sexual response and the psychology of desire. Notably, it’s highly inclusive and applicable to people in relationships regardless of gender, orientation, or relationship structure.

    Come Together Review

    Come Together by Emily Nagoski, PhD shares insights on creating and maintaining strong relationships. Here's why this book is worth your time:

    • Explores the psychological dynamics of relationships, providing valuable strategies for fostering closeness and connection.
    • Offers a deep dive into emotional intimacy, helping readers cultivate meaningful bonds and navigate challenges effectively.
    • With its practical exercises and relatable anecdotes, the book ensures an engaging read that motivates personal growth within relationships.

    Who should read Come Together?

    • Couples seeking to improve their sexual intimacy and understanding 
    • Individuals exploring their own sexuality and sexual health
    • Sex educators looking for research-based information to share

    About the Author

    Emily Nagoski is a sex educator and researcher. She has made significant contributions to the understanding of female sexuality and stress management, notably through her role as the former director of wellness education at Smith College. She is best known for her popular TED Talks as well as her groundbreaking book, Come As You Are, a NYT best-seller that has been highly influential in the field of sexual wellness.

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    Come Together FAQs 

    What is the main message of Come Together?

    The main message of Come Together is about understanding sexual desire and overcoming obstacles to intimacy.

    How long does it take to read Come Together?

    Reading Come Together takes a few hours. The Blinkist summary can be read in 15 minutes.

    Is Come Together a good book? Is it worth reading?

    Come Together is a valuable read, offering insights on improving intimate relationships and broadening sexual horizons.

    Who is the author of Come Together?

    The author of Come Together is Emily Nagoski, PhD.

    What to read after Come Together?

    If you're wondering what to read next after Come Together, here are some recommendations we suggest:
    • 13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don't Do by Amy Morin
    • I Didn't Know I Needed This by Eli Rallo
    • How to Make a Few Billion Dollars by Brad Jacobs
    • Licence to be Bad by Jonathan Aldred
    • Brave Together by Chris Deaver & Ian Clawson
    • Smart Sex by Emily Morse
    • Break the Cycle by Dr. Mariel Buqué
    • It's Not Hysteria by Karen Tang
    • The Conscious Mind by David J. Chalmers
    • The Work of Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction by Walter Benjamin