Who is the author of Love Sense?

Sue Johnson is the author of Love Sense.

Sex & Relationships

Love Sense Book Summary - Love Sense Book explained in key points

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Love Sense summary

Name: Love Sense
Rating: 4.4 (374 reviews)
Author: Sue Johnson

Sue Johnson

The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships

4.4 (374 ratings)

22 mins

Brief summary

'Love Sense' by Sue Johnson is a guide to understanding and improving romantic relationships. Drawing on scientific research and her own experience as a therapist, Johnson offers practical advice for developing deeper connections and resolving conflicts with your partner.

Topics

Love Dating Marriage The Psychology of Love

Table of Contents

Love Sense
Summary of 8 key ideas

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Key idea 1 of 8

What’s in it for me? Develop your “love sense” to create relationships that last.

Love can begin in a million ways – with a glance across a room, a smile, or a chance encounter in an unusual location. Falling in love is easy; it’s making love last that is the tough part.

Thanks in part to fairy tales and romantic movies, many of us regard love as a sort of spell – a force so powerful that it overrules our rationality and makes us abandon our sense of self. It’s this view of love that has made many of us skeptical about whether we can build, and sustain, loving relationships.

The thing is, humans have an instinctive desire to create long-lasting bonds with others. What’s more, science has shown that lasting relationships have many benefits. Beyond enriching our lives, love helps us foster personal growth and improves our well-being, both physical and mental. There’s even evidence suggesting that love is essential to our survival.

These blinks aim to show disillusioned lovers that it is entirely possible to create and maintain long-lived relationships. You’ll learn what love means in the modern world, where relationship problems stem from, and what strategies you can use to repair the emotional bond with your partner.

You’ll also learn

that love relationships are an extension of the mother-child bond;
why being able to depend on others makes us strong; and
how anger masks fear of emotional disconnection.

Love, though hard to define, is an essential part of human experience.

Have you ever been in love?

If you have, then you know how it is: Love is a powerful force that captures us, overwhelms us. It can make us feel weak and giddy, light and elated, or even trapped and desperate.

As humans, we all yearn for this thing called love – but we don’t really understand it. Love is a beautiful riddle that no one has ever been able to figure out.

Here’s the key message: Love, though hard to define, is an essential part of human experience.

Throughout the ages, people have struggled to define love. The Greeks, for instance, identified four kinds of love. One of these was eros – the name given to passionate, or sensual, love. However, the Greeks could never quite decide whether this involved sexual desire or not.

Countless poets have made love their theme. Shakespeare, for instance, dramatized star-crossed love in Romeo and Juliet – a play about two lovers who are thwarted by their warring families.

Then there’s the view of evolutionary biologists who argue that love is simply nature’s way of encouraging reproduction.

Love may always elude precise definition – and this can be frustrating for those of us trying to find love, or to keep it. One thing we do know for certain is that, for the first time in history, love is now the primary reason people get together in the first place.

Let’s explain. In Shakespeare’s day, romantic love wasn’t necessarily considered an essential part of life. If anything, it was regarded as a luxury. Back in the sixteenth century, most people were focused on the struggle to survive; they tied themselves to their families and their communities to ensure they had food, shelter, and protection.

Even marriage was all about survival. For most people, it was a means of building a family that could help with tending the land and running the farm. More affluent individuals married to increase their power and wealth, and to produce heirs that could inherit titles and estates.

In the West, these ideas have changed dramatically over the last few centuries. In the 1990s, as vast numbers of women entered the workforce and became financially independent, marriage ceased to be regarded as necessary for survival. Today, marrying for love is the norm.

As sociologist Anthony Giddens puts it, Westerners began regarding love not as an economic enterprise, but as an “emotional enterprise.”

Today, the relationships we have with our lovers are arguably the most important relationships in our lives. That’s why it’s crucial for us to understand how love works. We’ll take a look at this in the following blinks.

In an age of social isolation, our love relationships are the primary ones in our lives.

Charles Darwin, the nineteenth-century naturalist, played an invaluable role in the development of the theory of evolution. But his sense of romance was pretty unevolved. When considering whether he should propose to his cousin or not, he didn’t factor love into the equation. Instead, he made his decision by writing a list of pros and cons.

The pros included children, and lots of them; companionship in old age; and, of course, sex. He imagined that a nice “soft wife” sitting next to him on the sofa in front of a roaring fire was one of the prime pleasures a man could hope to have in life.

Science tells us that humans are designed to mate for life.

Human monogamy is a contentious subject.

Some relationship experts suggest that being with one person for life is unrealistic, as most people eventually get bored with familiarity. And many naturalists argue that having one partner for life goes against the natural order. Only 7 percent of mammals are monogamous. Why should humans be an exception to the rule? After all, we’re wired to perpetuate the species, just like other mammals.

Being dependent on our lovers improves our well-being and gives us the confidence to explore the unknown.

If someone were to describe you as emotionally “dependent,” how would you react?

In the Western world, dependency has become a “dirty word.” Society insists that being emotionally independent is what being an adult is all about; if you’re unable to exist on your own little island, then you must be weak, or immature.

Relationships become strained when partners no longer see each other as their emotional “safe haven.”

Have you ever been stuck in a cycle of arguments with your lover? You know, the ones where a small thing happens – like your partner leaving their dirty socks on the clean bed linen or forgetting to vacuum the carpet – and then you just erupt?

Well, it could be that you’re annoyed at your lover’s lack of cleanliness. But if the cycle continues, it’s probably a sign that something deeper is going on beneath the surface.

Clearly communicating fear or anger can help couples rebuild their bond.

Meet Emma and Tim, a couple celebrating their ninth anniversary this weekend. Emma has arranged for them to go out on a date together, but Tim, who’s forgotten about their anniversary, has already agreed to attend a party with his boss. Instead of apologizing for his mistake, Tim shrugs nonchalantly and says that he and Emma will have to rearrange their date.

The result? Emma explodes in anger. She yells and calls Tim a selfish jerk. It’s apparent that she’s furious; what’s less apparent is what underlies this fury.

Healing a relationship is about working together to build a stronger emotional union.

Have you ever suffered from a broken heart? This was the case for Patrick, a 45-year-old business owner who had been with his wife, Anna, for ten years.

When Patrick approached the author for couples therapy, his relationship was on the verge of falling apart. Two years before that, he and Anna had moved to the city she wanted to live in, and he’d even sold his company to spend less time at work. But she still wasn’t happy.

Relationships go through different stages, and each one requires that we renew our emotional bonds.

When Cindy and Dan became parents, everything changed. Cindy often felt that Dan was neglecting his share of the childcare. Forced to do what Dan left undone, Cindy was constantly exhausted – and, as a result, had no desire to make love to him.

Dan was also struggling. His relationship with Cindy had changed. He often felt rejected by Cindy, and this filled him with sorrow. He knew that his sadness was preventing him from being a great father, but what could he do?

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What is Love Sense about?

Love Sense (2013) is an exploration of the science of love. These blinks suggest that humans instinctively desire to connect with each other, and that relationship problems arise when lovers no longer feel secure. They also offer practical strategies for how to develop your love sense – that is, your ability to create fulfilling and long-lasting bonds with your loved ones.

Love Sense Review

Love Sense (2013) by Sue Johnson is a thoughtful exploration of the science behind love and relationships, providing valuable insights for anyone seeking to improve their connection with their partner. Here's why this book is worth reading:

It offers an in-depth understanding of the dynamics of love and attachment, helping readers navigate the complexities of their relationships.
With compelling case studies and relatable stories, the book brings the science of love to life, making it an engaging and informative read.
The book goes beyond traditional relationship advice, providing practical strategies based on attachment theory that can be applied to strengthen emotional bonds.

Best quote from Love Sense

A stable loving relationship is the cornerstone of human happiness and general well-being.

—Sue Johnson

Who should read Love Sense?

People aspiring to form long-lasting relationships
Those who have been in and out of fleeting romances
Lovers struggling with relationship difficulties

About the Author

Dr. Sue Johnson is a clinical psychologist and couples therapist, and the primary developer of emotionally focused couples and family therapy. She’s also a research professor at Alliant International University, in San Diego, and a professor emeritus at the University of Ottawa.

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