What is the main message of The Mastery of Love?

The main message of The Mastery of Love is that love is a skill that can be learned and mastered.

How long does it take to read The Mastery of Love?

The estimated reading time for The Mastery of Love is several hours. The Blinkist summary can be read in just 15 minutes.

Who is the author of The Mastery of Love?

The author of The Mastery of Love is Don Miguel Ruiz with Janet Mills.

Sex & Relationships

The Mastery of Love Book Summary - The Mastery of Love Book explained in key points

Listen to the Intro

00:00

The Mastery of Love summary

Name: The Mastery of Love
Rating: 4.4 (637 reviews)
Author: Don Miguel Ruiz with Janet Mills

Don Miguel Ruiz with Janet Mills

A Practical Guide to the Art of Relationship

4.4 (637 ratings)

24 mins

Brief summary

The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz with Janet Mills is a guide to cultivate self-love and build healthy relationships by learning the truth about ourselves and love. It offers practical wisdom to facilitate self-discovery and lead to lasting happiness.

Topics

Love Self-Care Mindful Loving

Table of Contents

The Mastery of Love
Summary of 8 key ideas

Audio & text in the Blinkist app

Key idea 1 of 8

What’s in it for me? Spiritual guidance for navigating the relationships in your life.

The Toltecs were an ancient Mesoamerican people who believed that the whole world is a dream.

Each of us, they believed, has our own personal dream. And most people are living in what the Toltecs call the dream of hell, characterized by fear, suffering, violence, and injustice.

This dream teaches us to become masters of negative emotions. As children, we might learn that anger helps us get what we want. Then, we practice anger over and over until we become masters of it.

In the same way, we become masters of jealousy, sadness, and so on –⁠ and these feelings come to control our lives and relationships.

But this is not the best dream. Instead, we must become masters of love. Let these blinks be a guide.

These blinks discuss sexual violence in section 8. Please take care while reading.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

how an emotional poison infects us all;
why your dog is the perfect dog; and
what scalpel you need to heal your emotional wounds.

We begin accumulating emotional wounds in childhood.

Imagine you live on a planet where all people are affected by the same disease. Their skin is covered in open, painful, infected wounds. The disease starts when people are around three or four years old, and everyone believes that having it is completely normal.

Sound awful? Well, this situation is actually the current state of humanity. Most people’s skin isn’t covered in wounds, of course. But the human mind, which Don Miguel refers to as the emotional body, is full of wounds. And those wounds are infected by an emotional poison we call fear. All other negative emotions –⁠ anger, sadness, envy, and so on –⁠ stem from fear.

When children are born, they’re free of emotional poison, but it doesn’t take long to start accumulating.

The key message here is: We begin accumulating emotional wounds in childhood.

Our emotional wounds start to appear when we’re around three or four years old. Before that, we’re completely healthy. Two- and three-year-old children are unafraid to express love –⁠ most of their time is spent laughing and playing. Of course, when they experience pain or something bad happens to them, they react. But it’s usually not long before they return to playing.

This way of being is actually the normal, healthy state of the human mind. But as children grow older, they begin to learn from adults who have long been infected by emotional poison. They learn to fear punishment and seek reward. They fear not being accepted, or they fear that who they are isn’t good enough. These fears are all emotional poison.

As a result of these feelings, children begin to create images of themselves that fit what they think other people want. They create images to project at school, at home, and eventually at work. Then, when one of these images is inevitably challenged, they feel immense pain.

For instance, picture a teenage boy whose self-image includes the notion that he’s very intelligent. One day, he participates in a debate –⁠ but another student outperforms him. Suddenly, the boy begins to feel stupid and worthless. He feels pain because there’s now a discrepancy between his internal image of himself and the image he’s trying to project.

Each of us develops these relationships between ourselves and the world in childhood –⁠ and then the rest of our lives are ruled by them, causing us to suffer.

Emotional poison causes people to have poor and abusive relationships.

Think back to your childhood for a moment. You’re two or three years old, playing in your living room. You spot your dad’s guitar, so you pick it up and start playing with it.

Then your dad gets home and sees you. He’s had a bad day at work and gets angry at you for touching the guitar. He even spanks you.

Your happiness can’t depend on other people.

There once was a man who didn’t believe in love. He went around preaching his idea that love is little more than a drug –⁠ it can make you feel amazing, but it’s also addictive. To secure your daily doses, you become controlling and possessive of the person who provides them.

One day, the man who didn’t believe in love was walking in the park. He came across a woman sitting and crying. She told him she was upset because love didn’t exist. The man understood her troubles perfectly and began to comfort her. They quickly became best friends.

Every relationship follows either the track of love or the track of fear.

Every relationship you have is between you and one other person. And each of you is responsible for one half of the relationship.

However, all too often, people act as if they’re responsible for the other person’s half in addition to their own. They try to control their partners’ behavior, telling them to do this or not do that. But if you’re participating in this war of control, you don’t actually love your partner. You’re just being selfish –⁠ and fear is dictating your actions.

Choose a partner you don’t feel the need to change at all.

Do you own a dog, a cat, or perhaps some other pet? If you do, consider your relationship with it. Your pet –⁠ say it’s a dog –⁠ might wait for you to come home each day. When you do, it barks or wags its tail.⁠ It manages its half of the relationship –⁠ just being a dog –⁠ perfectly. And you love your dog unconditionally. You believe it’s the perfect dog, and you feel no need to transform it into a different animal.

So, then, when you’re in a relationship with another human, why do you try to turn him into someone he isn’t? Just like your dog, every person is already perfect. The only catch is that some people may not be perfect for you –⁠ and that’s OK.

To have healthy relationships with others, you must love yourself.

Picture this: You’re on a date with the woman of your dreams, and you’re ready to tell her that you love her. You finally summon up the courage to do so. But she responds in what you feel is the worst possible way: “Well, I don’t love you.”

Her response probably causes you a lot of suffering. She’s rejected you, so you start to reject yourself too. But is that really a logical response?

To accept our sexuality, we need to reconcile our bodily and mental needs.

The human body is a biological organism, and it’s designed for sex. Yet our minds have created a massive set of misguided and false beliefs around it. We have guidelines for men’s and women’s sexual behavior, how their bodies should look, and what they must do to be considered properly masculine or feminine.

Because of all these lies, we’re unable to enjoy sex, we may feel it’s evil or a sin, or we become ashamed of our sexual desires. To understand how none of these beliefs is true, we need to acknowledge and accept the difference between our bodily needs and our mental needs – when these don’t match, internal conflicts about sex arise.

Heal your emotional wounds using truth, forgiveness, and self-love.

How does a doctor treat an infected wound? Most likely, she starts by using a scalpel to open it up. Then she cleans it, applies some kind of medication, and asks us to keep the wound clean while it heals.

When it comes to healing our emotional wounds, the process isn’t much different. In this case, the scalpel is truth, and we can use it to open our wounds and reveal lies. Then, we clean out the poison with forgiveness. And, finally, we keep the wound clean until it’s fully healed – using love.

Want to see all full key ideas from The Mastery of Love?

Key ideas in The Mastery of Love

More knowledge in less time

Read or listen

Get the key ideas from nonfiction bestsellers in minutes, not hours.

Find your next read

Get book lists curated by experts and personalized recommendations.

Shortcasts ^New

We’ve teamed up with podcast creators to bring you key insights from podcasts.

What is The Mastery of Love about?

The Mastery of Love (1999) uses anecdotes and examples to illustrate the erroneous assumptions and lies that characterize most people’s relationships. It is a guide to overcoming emotional wounds and transforming relationships from wars of control into harmonic connections based on love, joy, and freedom.

The Mastery of Love Review

The Mastery of Love (1999) is a profound exploration of love and relationships, offering valuable lessons on how to cultivate deep and fulfilling connections. Here's why this book is worth reading:

With its wisdom-filled teachings and practical advice, it provides readers with the tools to transform their relationships and create a more loving and compassionate world.
This book sheds light on the belief systems and conditioning that hinder our ability to experience love, empowering readers to break free from destructive patterns.
By combining ancient Toltec wisdom with contemporary insights, it presents a fresh and unique perspective on love, inspiring readers to approach relationships with passion and authenticity.

Who should read The Mastery of Love?

Anyone struggling with a relationship
Soul-searchers interested in ancient wisdom
People seeking advice on how to overcome misery

About the Author

Don Miguel Ruiz is an author and spiritual teacher schooled in the ways of the Toltecs, an ancient Mesoamerican people. One of his books, The Four Agreements, in addition to being a New York Times best seller, was featured on Oprah. Ruiz regularly gives lectures and leads retreats across the United States.

Janet Mills is an editor, publisher, and the founder of Amber-Allen Publishing. Along with don Miguel Ruiz, she coauthored the best-selling Toltec Wisdom Series, which includes titles like The Four Agreements, The Voice of Knowledge, and The Fifth Agreement.

Categories with The Mastery of Love

Sex & Relationships

Book summaries like The Mastery of Love

The Fifth Agreement

Don Miguel Ruiz and Don Jose Ruiz

A Practical Guide to Self-Mastery

14 min

4.4

The Fourth Turning

William Strauss and Neil Howe

Short Life Advice from the Best in the World

The classic text that proves the power of positive thinking

8 min

4.3

The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari

Robin Sharma

A guide to using ancient practices to improve your quality of life and achieve your goals

Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles

Mindful lessons on love

The Autobiography of Nelson Mandela

Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose

13 min

4.3

Creativity, Inc.

Ed Catmull with Amy Wallace

Overcoming the Unseen Forces That Stand in the Way of True Inspiration

The Keys to Success and Long-Term Fulfillment

Creative Living Beyond Fear

Get Focused, Stop Procrastinating and Upgrade Your Life

17 min

4.2

The Power of Myth

Joseph Campbell with Bill Moyers

From ancient myths to Han Solo

The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections

The Psychology of Persuasion

A Practical Guide to Overcome Negativity and Better Manage Your Feelings

17 min

4.4

30 Lessons for Loving

Karl Pillemer

Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships and Marriage

An examination of the amoral game and techniques of seducers

19 min

4.0

The Universe Has Your Back

Gabrielle Bernstein

Transform Fear to Faith

The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen

18 min

4.4

Antifragile

Nassim Nicholas Taleb

Things That Gain from Disorder

20 min

4.6

Beyond the Pleasure Principle

Sigmund Freud

Delve Into Unconscious Desires

The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs

The Art and Science of 1:1 Meetings

18 min

3.7

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

Mark Manson

A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life

22 min

4.3

How to Make a Few Billion Dollars

Brad Jacobs

The Billionaire Blueprint Revealed

7 min

3.6

13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don't Do

Amy Morin

Healthy Habits for Love's Longevity

Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business

The 33 Laws of Business and Life

17 min

4.3

Getting The Love You Want

Learning to Love Yourself and Your World with the Practice of RAIN

How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship

Reclaim Aging, Practice Joy, and Raise a Little Hell

The Only Difference Between Success and Failure

14 min

3.9

Better Sex Through Mindfulness

Lori A. Brotto

How Women Can Cultivate Desire

A Guide to Loving and Taking Care of Self

14 min

Vagabonding

Rolf Potts

An Uncommon Guide to the Art of Long-Term World Travel

The Life of Gordon Moore, Silicon Valley’s Quiet Revolutionary

23 min

4.2

The Fine Art Of Small Talk

Debra Fine

How To Start a Conversation, Keep It Going, Build Networking Skills – and Leave a Positive Impression!

19 min

4.1

The Idea Is the Easy Part

Brian Dovey

Myths and Realities of the Startup World

The Science of Achieving Greater Things

The Lost Art of Accomplishment Without Burnout

20 min

4.2

Simulacra and Simulation

Jean Baudrillard

Discover Truth in Illusion

17 min

4.1

Never Enough

Jennifer Breheny Wallace

When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic-and What We Can Do About It

18 min

4.3

How to Win Friends & Influence People

Dale Carnegie

Basic rules for how to make a good first impression

What the Rich Teach Their Kids about Money – That the Poor and the Middle Class Do Not!

Awaken the Passion in Your Relationship

How Freezing Water, Extreme Altitude, and Environmental Conditioning Will Renew Our Lost Evolutionary Strength

17 min

4.0

Attached

Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller

The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love

15 min

4.3

People ❤️ Blinkist

Sven O.

It's highly addictive to get core insights on personally relevant topics without repetition or triviality. Added to that the apps ability to suggest kindred interests opens up a foundation of knowledge.

Thi Viet Quynh N.

Great app. Good selection of book summaries you can read or listen to while commuting. Instead of scrolling through your social media news feed, this is a much better way to spend your spare time in my opinion.

Jonathan A.

Life changing. The concept of being able to grasp a book's main point in such a short time truly opens multiple opportunities to grow every area of your life at a faster rate.

Renee D.

Great app. Addicting. Perfect for wait times, morning coffee, evening before bed. Extremely well written, thorough, easy to use.