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How to Think More About Sex
Sage sex advice from a philosophical polymath
In How to Think More About Sex (2012), Alain de Botton dives into the strange and often uncomfortable world of sex. A nuanced reflection on the true meaning of sex and its place in our lives, these blinks are full of both insights into the psychology of desire and practical advice, such as how to maintain sexual interest within long-term relationships. Sex, de Botton ultimately concludes, will never be simple, but it can be enjoyable. All we need to do is think about it more.
- Anyone who wants to understand their own sexual desires
- Fans of Freudian psychology and would-be philosophers of sex
- Anyone who’s ever felt sexually deprived or been stung by rejection
Alain de Botton is a thinker determined to bring philosophy into the heart of everyday life. The author of seven books on topics ranging from architecture to social anxiety, he is also the founder of the School of Life, an educational company that offers courses designed to help us lead fulfilling lives.
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How to Think More About Sex
- Read in 22 minutes
- Audio & text available
- Contains 14 key ideas
Synopsis
In How to Think More About Sex (2012), Alain de Botton dives into the strange and often uncomfortable world of sex. A nuanced reflection on the true meaning of sex and its place in our lives, these blinks are full of both insights into the psychology of desire and practical advice, such as how to maintain sexual interest within long-term relationships. Sex, de Botton ultimately concludes, will never be simple, but it can be enjoyable. All we need to do is think about it more.
Key idea 1 of 14
Biology can explain attraction and why we have sex, but there’s a lot more to it than that.
In the 1960s, the way most Westerners thought about sex suddenly changed. During that decade, intercourse became a topic of conversation, something that could be discussed as casually as a game of tennis – and, like the racket sport, it came to be regarded as an activity beneficial to your constitution.
It’d be logical to assume that, once sex was accepted as a natural biological function, all sex-related feelings of shame and guilt would have been forever dispelled. But that’s not quite what happened. The fact is that sex remains a sensitive subject even today.
So why do so many of us still feel awkward about it? A good place to jump in is by asking what sex really is.
Here, the biological account of sex and attraction only gets us so far. If we want to understand desire, we have to dig a bit deeper.
Take evolutionary biology. It offers a compelling account of why we find intelligence, strength and beauty attractive.
The first quality, for example, implies an ability to swiftly adapt to a range of different situations – a handy skill when it comes to ensuring the survival of offspring.
Strength is another attractive quality indicating an ability to protect infants from potential predators. That’s why displays of brawn are often so beguiling.
Beauty is suggestive of yet another important quality – health. A huge number of studies carried out around the world show that most of us find facial symmetry attractive. The reason? Evenly distributed features are indicative of a well-functioning immune system and the absence of genetic diseases.
Though compelling, these explanations don’t account for people whose tastes diverge from the norm.
Nor does a purely biological account of sex give a full enough picture. Why, for instance, do we derive so much physical pleasure from the act of copulation?
An evolutionary biologist would claim that the pleasure stems from the nerve endings in our genitals, which are stimulated during sex. That, they’d add, is our reward for engaging in the tricky but vital task of propagating the species.
That’s a persuasive explanation, right? But think about what it leaves out. Why, for example, is masturbation – an act of straightforward nerve-ending stimulation – never quite as satisfying as having sex with another person? Or take impotence. What explains the fact that someone can suffer from the condition even with the most attractive and considerate of partners?
Such counterexamples suggest that we need to turn elsewhere if we want a fuller picture. If we’re interested in finding out why sex can make us feel awkward, we need to look at our psychological development.
Key ideas in this title
- Biology can explain attraction and why we have sex, but there’s a lot more to it than that.
- Our sexual development sets us against social norms and leaves us feeling isolated.
- Sex allows us to escape social pressures and be ourselves.
- Our psychological makeup has the final say in who and what turns us on.
- Fetishes can be windows into our souls.
- We should regard the need for love and the need for sex as equally valid.
- Rejection is like the weather. We shouldn’t take it personally.
- Long-term relationships don’t guarantee frequent sex or the absence of rejection.
- Shifting registers between the everyday and the erotic is no easy feat.
- Whether we’re attracted to our partner or not is a matter of the perspective we take.
- We can change the way we view our partner without giving them up.
- Pornography is a massive waste of time, but it might not be if it took a cue from religious art.
- Don’t judge infidelity too harshly, but give fidelity its due.
- Final summary
