Rethinking Narcissism Book Summary - Rethinking Narcissism Book explained in key points

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Rethinking Narcissism summary

Name: Rethinking Narcissism
Rating: 3.7 (156 reviews)
Author: Craig Malkin

Craig Malkin

The Bad – and Surprising Good – about Feeling Special

3.7 (156 ratings)

13 mins

Brief summary

Rethinking Narcissism by Craig Malkin challenges the traditional view of narcissism as a purely negative trait.
He explores the spectrum of narcissism and provides tools to identify and manage healthy and unhealthy levels of this personality trait.

Topics

Neuroscience Personality

Table of Contents

Rethinking Narcissism
Summary of 6 key ideas

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Key idea 1 of 6

What’s in it for me? Learn the whys and ways of self-love.

We’ve all got one of them in our life: the guy whose only topic is himself; the gal whom everything is about. All conversations revolve around them. They are – always – the most important person in the room.

Of course, this drives all their friends crazy. They’ve probably been told multiple times to think more of others. And yet, they seem incapable of altering their behavior.

Why are some people like this? Well, they simply love themselves too much. They’re narcissists.

And self-aggrandizement isn’t the only symptom of narcissism. It’s a malady with many forms and gradations. These blinks explain what narcissism is, where it comes from and, more importantly, what you can do to prevent it.

These blinks also show you

how people can be narcissistic in silence;
why parents get blamed, at least partly, for causing self-love; and
what an emotional hot potato is.

Narcissism has been debated since ancient times.

You’re probably familiar with the myth of Narcissus – the extraordinarily handsome hunter, who, after shunning the mountain nymph Echo, fell in love with his own reflection in a lake and, unable to draw himself away, perished at water’s edge. Clearly, self-love has been a controversial topic since ancient times.

Back in 350 BC, Aristotle asked whom the good man should love more: himself or others. Ultimately, Aristotle decided that the good man is he who loves himself most. If, a few centuries earlier, you’d asked Buddha the same question, you’d have gotten a very different response. He claimed that the self is nothing more than an illusion, and that it was best to love others.

But it wasn’t until the early twentieth century that the word narcissism appeared for the first time, courtesy of Sigmund Freud. Freud claimed that, in order to establish meaningful relationships with others, a person must first fall in love with themselves. In a famous paper, On Narcissism: An Introduction, published in 1914, Freud theorized that infancy is the stage at which we fall in love with ourselves.

As young children, we develop self-love after witnessing all the things we are capable of. According to Freud, this is a healthy and necessary step in our development. Without it, we’d fail to discover our own importance and would subsequently struggle to reach out to others. In this sense, self-love was a positive thing for Freud. But when it came to his view of human nature overall, he was decidedly pessimistic.

Freud argued that humans are driven by aggressive and sexual instincts. Decades later, Heinz Kohut, an Austrian psychoanalyst, opposed this idea. Kohut believed that humans are driven by the need to develop a healthy self-image. So narcissism is central to Kohut’s theory. The love, admiration and consolation of those around us is what makes us feel special, allowing us to grow into confident, self-loving individuals.

We can use a spectrum to draw the line between healthy and unhealthy narcissism.

As humans, we’re neither purely good nor purely evil. We’re a mix of strengths and weaknesses, so it helps to avoid black-and-white thinking when assessing a person’s character. Instead, imagining a spectrum along which different personality traits lie gives a far more accurate understanding of individuals.

Using a spectrum is useful when thinking about narcissism, too. At one end, we have abstinence – a zero on the spectrum – and, at the other end, there’s addiction, a ten on the spectrum.

Narcissism fluctuates and comes in three different forms.

If you worry that you’re a little close to one of the extremes on the narcissism spectrum, don’t panic! Narcissism fluctuates – that is, we move up and down the spectrum depending on the situations we’re confronted with.

Just think of what it's like to be a teenager. Adolescence is a stage of life when people leave the safety of their parents and seek out their own identity. Narcissism is often necessary; it’s what gives young adults the self-esteem they need to make it out of the nest and into the world.

Our genetics as well as our upbringing greatly influence our proclivity for self-love.

Our genes don’t just determine our physical features and medical predisposition. At birth, we’re already biologically programmed with behavioral tendencies, including narcissism! Some of us may have an innate tendency to be cautious and withdrawn, while others seem to be reckless and loud from an early age. Narcissism, or a lack thereof, can simply be part of our nature.

But nature isn’t the only contributing factor. Nurture – that is, how our parents raised us – has a powerful influence on our ability to love ourselves.

Narcissism can be spotted if you pay attention to warning signs.

There might be someone in your life right now who’s behaving in ways you just can’t fathom. Well, perhaps narcissism is behind it. A complicated character trait, narcissism can be difficult to pin down. But there are a few indicators that can help you spot a narcissist.

Ever given someone some feedback and been rewarded with a slew of caustic remarks about your many shortcomings? You may have encountered a narcissist’s emotion phobia. Narcissists lack true self-confidence and are very sensitive to criticism. Unfortunately, the only way for them to feel better about themselves is to make other people feel worse.

Keep your partner’s narcissism in check by being vulnerable.

If you’re about to give up on your narcissistic boyfriend or girlfriend, take a step back. Not all hope is lost! Narcissism is often quite easy to combat. It just takes a little vulnerability on your part.

Studies conducted by psychologists from the University of Surrey and the University of Southampton showed narcissists a video where a woman describes her frightening experiences with domestic abuse. The heart rates of the narcissistic participants rose considerably, a sure sign of empathetic feelings.

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What is Rethinking Narcissism about?

Rethinking Narcissism (2015) provides fresh perspectives on what we typically understand as arrogance or vanity. These blinks situate narcissism both historically and culturally, explaining the spectrum of narcissism and its different forms; they also provide helpful strategies for recognizing and dealing with the narcissists you might know.

Rethinking Narcissism Review

Rethinking Narcissism (2016) by Craig Malkin is an insightful book that explores the complex topic of narcissism and provides a fresh perspective on understanding and dealing with it. Here's why this book is worth reading:

Offers a nuanced approach to narcissism, highlighting that it is not just a negative trait but also has positive aspects.
Provides practical strategies for dealing with narcissistic individuals in relationships, work, and everyday life, empowering readers to navigate these challenging situations more effectively.
Unveils the subtle signs of healthy and unhealthy narcissism, helping readers develop a greater self-awareness and better understand the people around them.

Who should read Rethinking Narcissism?

Anyone interested in psychology
People with narcissistic partners and friends
Potential narcissists

About the Author

Craig Malkin is a clinical psychologist. He’s written articles about relationships for top publications, including Time and Psychology Today. Malkin is also the director of YM Psychotherapy and Consultation, which offers workshops in couples therapy.

Categories with Rethinking Narcissism

Psychology

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