Set Boundaries, Find Peace Book Summary - Set Boundaries, Find Peace Book explained in key points

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Set Boundaries, Find Peace summary

Name: Set Boundaries, Find Peace
Rating: 4.6 (514 reviews)
Author: Nedra Glover Tawwab

Nedra Glover Tawwab

A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

4.6 (514 ratings)

28 mins

Table of Contents

Set Boundaries, Find Peace
summarized in 8 key ideas

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Key idea 1 of 8

What’s in it for me? Learn to assert your needs and enjoy more fulfilling relationships with family, friends, and loved ones.

You’ve probably already heard that you’re supposed to set healthy boundaries in your relationships. But what does that actually mean?

On the surface, setting boundaries sounds like building walls and keeping people at a distance. But, boundaries needn’t always put a wedge between people. In our personal lives, boundaries actually enable us to get closer to one another by helping us feel safe to open up and make ourselves vulnerable.

Unfortunately, too many people misunderstand or undervalue the need for boundaries in their relationships. And, what happens as a result? They get frustrated and resentful, they bicker and fight over solvable issues, and they get taken advantage of.

These blinks are designed to help you remedy unhealthy boundary issues in your relationships. They’ll help you to stand up for yourself by expressing your feelings and asserting your needs. And, when you can do that, you’ll get less strife and more of what you want from your relationships.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

the leading cause of divorce and break-up;
how many vacation days US Americans squander in total every year; and
why your partner might always be passive-aggressive with you.

Healthy relationships need healthy boundaries.

So, how do you know whether you need boundaries? What are the signs, exactly?

Well, reflect on a few questions for a moment. Do you frequently feel stressed, overwhelmed, or burned out by the amount of work you have to do? Do you find that you struggle to say no to requests from friends, family, and co-workers? Do you ever find yourself avoiding certain people that you just feel uncomfortable being around?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you might have an issue with boundaries. That’s because, as diverse as these problems may seem, they actually all boil down to the same fundamental problem: you’ve allowed your needs to take second place to someone else's.

Boundaries, then, are about standing up for yourself. Having healthy boundaries means being able to count on the people in your life to treat you in a manner that you’re comfortable with.

The key message here is: Healthy relationships need healthy boundaries.

When we think of boundaries, the ones that first come to mind are the physical boundaries of our bodies and personal space. You’ve probably experienced how uncomfortable it can be when someone gets too close to your face during a conversation, for example.

But, physical boundaries are actually just one of six types of boundaries. For example, we also have sexual boundaries, which are about limiting inappropriate conversation topics, sexually charged jokes, and other behavior that we’re not willing to put up with.

Then there are intellectual and emotional boundaries, which are about having our opinions and feelings respected by others even if they disagree with us. We also have material boundaries, which relate to how others use our possessions. And, finally, we have time boundaries which are about ensuring that others understand the value of our time.

Admittedly, many of these boundaries are coded into the culture, like personal space, so it shouldn't be necessary to state them. However, other boundaries are more individual, and these are the ones we need to communicate. For example, when meeting someone for the first time, you might have to let them know that you’re more of a hand-shaker than a hugger.

Of course, setting boundaries isn’t always easy. We worry that we’ll be seen as stuffy, needy, or overly sensitive. We might even worry about harming the relationship by making things awkward.

But, in the long run, not setting boundaries is counter-productive. If we allow others to continually step on our boundaries, the quality of our relationships will inevitably decline.

So, yes, setting boundaries can be uncomfortable. But, in the end, short-term discomfort is a small price to pay for having functional, long-term relationships.

Most relationship problems are caused by boundaries that are either too porous or too rigid.

Think of your boundaries like the membrane of a cell – a selective barrier that allows useful substances to pass through while blocking harmful ones. Just like a cell membrane, your boundaries should aim for that perfect balance between being receptive to positive influences and blocking negative ones.

If you fail to achieve this balance, you’re at risk of experiencing a range of relationship issues. If your boundaries are too porous, for instance, you’ll be vulnerable to absorbing other people’s needs and emotions as your own. However, if you err too far in the opposite direction, and your boundaries are too rigid, you're in danger of ending up emotionally isolated and alone.

Setting healthy boundaries requires clear communication and consistent action.

When we don’t set clear boundaries directly, they have a way of making themselves known more indirectly. We’re talking about passive-aggressiveness – a popular, yet sadly ineffective, communication technique.

If you think about it, passive-aggressiveness is really just a poor attempt at communicating a boundary. Instead of directly stating how we’ve been hurt, we act out how we feel, and just hope the other person figures out what they’ve done wrong. More often than not, though, this approach only frustrates the other person who is completely oblivious to what the problem is.

Dealing with boundary violations means issuing a consequence.

Ok, it’s all well and good to say that we ought to be assertive in setting boundaries, but being assertive is much easier said than done.

It’s true, we’re frequently beset by fears and worries that prevent us from speaking out about how we really feel. We do cartwheels inside our heads worrying about whether we might cause offense or be perceived in a negative light. But, the truth is, so long as you’re polite, most people will honor direct requests.

Healthy boundaries are also about having a good relationship with yourself.

One of the main reasons we avoid setting boundaries is that we misunderstand what they are. We imagine that boundaries are about distancing ourselves emotionally from a person, and that genuine relationships are about selfless giving. Women especially have been told that to be a good wife or a good mother means selflessly giving yourself up for the benefit of someone else.

But there’s a reason why housewives and mothers frequently end up burned out, demotivated, and even depressed. Anybody can see that giving yourself entirely to others is counter-productive. How can someone be expected to help others if they don’t have any energy, or time, or joy for themselves? It’s not possible to pour from an empty cup.

Setting boundaries with family is part of the process of becoming an adult.

Family is often where people struggle most when it comes to setting boundaries – especially the parent-child relationship. After all, these relationship dynamics are decades in the making and aren’t likely to be changed overnight.

But we must set boundaries with our parents because that’s the only way we’ll ever grow up. It’s only by virtue of the fact that we set boundaries with our parents during our development that we gradually learned to become autonomously acting individuals. Those, however, who fail to assert boundaries in development will never truly cease to be a child.

Setting boundaries in the office is essential for enjoying your work and doing a good job.

Overwork is endemic to our society. Too many of us are clocking in well beyond the 40-hour workweek stated in our contracts. We frequently work in the evenings and weekends when we’re supposed to be recovering. We say yes to extra projects from our colleagues even when it’s not our responsibility. And, out of some false sense of guilt, we don’t take advantage of all the vacation days that we’re entitled to. Did you know that, in 2018, US workers left unused 768 million days of paid time off?

Even if we have healthy boundaries in our personal lives, we tend to have more porous boundaries in our professional lives. That’s because we find it more difficult to set boundaries with our boss and team members out of fear of not being seen as a good employee.

Setting romantic boundaries means clearly communicating your needs and your expectations for the future.

What’s the most important element of a romantic relationship? Communication.

Poor communication is the leading cause of divorce and break-up, and it’s the top reason couples seek therapy.

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What is Set Boundaries, Find Peace about?

Set Boundaries, Find Peace (2021) lays out everything you need to know about boundaries: what they are, why you need them, and how to implement them in your life right now. By breaking down the ins and outs of setting healthy boundaries, these blinks will leave you feeling confident and empowered to finally tackle those thorny conversations that you’ve been avoiding for so long.

Best quote from Set Boundaries, Find Peace

Boundaries are the gateway to healthy relationships.

—Nedra Glover Tawwab

Who should read Set Boundaries, Find Peace?

People-pleasers who don’t know how to say no
Couples that have trouble communicating
Anyone who finds setting boundaries especially difficult

About the Author

Nedra Glover Tawwab is a licensed therapist and relationship guru with over 12 years of experience helping people to resolve their relationship issues. She operates on the philosophy that the root cause of most relationship problems is unhealthy boundaries. Tawwab is also a highly influential Instagram therapist, who uses the platform to share therapeutic tools and host regular Q&As on boundaries and relationships.

Categories with Set Boundaries, Find Peace

Communication Skills Sex & Relationships Personal Development

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