<p>Who is the author of Emotional Blackmail?</p>

<p>Susan Forward with Donna Frazier</p>

Sex & Relationships

Emotional Blackmail Book Summary - Emotional Blackmail Book explained in key points

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Emotional Blackmail summary

Name: Emotional Blackmail
Rating: 4.5 (179 reviews)
Author: Susan Forward with Donna Frazier

Susan Forward Donna Frazier

When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You

4.5 (179 ratings)

16 mins

Brief summary

Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward and Donna Frazier is a guide to identifying and dealing with emotional manipulators.
It helps readers recognize and resist the tactics used by manipulators so they can break free from their control and establish healthy boundaries.

Topics

Persuasion Mental Health Manipulation

Table of Contents

Emotional Blackmail
Summary of 7 key ideas

Audio & text in the Blinkist app

Key idea 1 of 7

What’s in it for me? Understand, detect and resist the extortionists of the heart.

Have you ever felt guilty after saying you couldn’t help a friend or family member? Did it come from you or was it something the other person said that made you feel it? If it’s the latter, chances are you’ve been subject to emotional blackmail. But isn’t that a bit too strong a word for our social interactions?

Not really. Most of us have been the victim of emotional blackmail at some point in our lives. Sometimes it’s obvious, other times it’s harder to see. One thing’s for sure: it leaves us feeling pretty lousy. In these blinks, we’ll meet couples from the author’s therapy practice who show us how emotional blackmail works – and what we can do to not partake in it.

In these blinks, you’ll discover

how emotional blackmail works best in the FOG;
why certain character traits might make you more susceptible to blackmail; and
how your points of pride might become weapons for your blackmailer.

Emotional blackmail is a subtle form of manipulation that may shape some of our closest relationships.

Leaked government secrets or organized crime might be the first things that come to mind when you think about blackmail. But blackmail is something that happens in our private lives, too. Emotional blackmail may be lurking behind some of your closest relationships.

Like other types of blackmail, emotional blackmail is rooted in a fundamental threat. Usually, it’s something along the lines of “If you don’t do this for me, you will suffer the consequences.”

Classic emotional blackmail occurs when someone threatens to end a relationship when she knows the other person cares too much about her to let that happen, and that the person would do anything to prevent it if forced. Essentially, whenever people threaten to make you suffer if you don’t give them what they want, you’re being emotionally blackmailed. Chances are, you’ve been emotionally blackmailed more than a handful of times over the course of your life.

So why do we let it happen to us? The problem is that it’s all too easy to walk straight into a blackmailer’s trap without realizing it. Emotional blackmail happens in close relationships, as the blackmailer knows you and your weaknesses extremely well. For instance, a blackmailer might get the best of someone who prides herself on her generosity, compassion and loyalty by calling her greedy, insensitive and untrustworthy. Unless, of course, she does what the blackmailer wants her to do.

Despite the deep psychological suffering this behavior causes, emotional blackmail remains hard to recognize for another reason: we don’t want to see it. Let’s face it, the fact that your loved one is manipulating you is a bitter truth to swallow. Many of us would rather turn a blind eye. But if you’ve decided it’s time to weed out toxic relationships in your life, stay tuned for the next blink.

There are six key symptoms of emotional blackmail.

Although emotional blackmail is hard to spot, we can diagnose it by seeking out the six key symptoms that distinguish it: desire, resistance, pressure, threats, compliance and, finally, repetition.

Emotional blackmail begins with an individual’s desire being blocked by resistance. Anna and Artie were a couple seeing the author together for therapy. Artie wanted to move in with Anna – that was his desire. But Anna, though she deeply cared about Artie, wasn’t ready to live with him yet. She explained that having her own space was important to her – that was her resistance to Artie’s desire.

FOG – or fear, obligation and guilt – blinds us from emotional blackmail.

In the first blink, we learned how easy it was to turn a blind eye to emotional blackmail. Now let’s take a closer look at how the FOG, that is, fear, obligation and guilt, of emotional blackmail prevents us from seeing the actual state of our relationships.

Fear is the fuel of emotional blackmail. The blackmailer acts out of fear, using it as a weapon against their partner. People prone to manipulative behavior are often driven by a powerful fear of abandonment leftover from negative childhood experiences. This deep fear of abandonment can cause people to manipulate others they care about as soon as they fear they aren’t truly loved.

A drive to find a fair solution means separating other conflicts from the emotional blackmail itself.

Not all conflict in relationships is a case of emotional blackmail. How can you tell? The key difference is whether your partner really wants to find a solution or whether he simply wants to win.

People who actively attempt to resolve conflicts will speak openly about what they want while taking into consideration their partner’s feelings and desires. They try to clearly and cooperatively find the source of the tension, and understand and accept ownership for their contribution to it.

Victims of emotional blackmail should by no means become enablers.

We’re all susceptible to emotional blackmail – though some of us more than others. It all comes down to a handful of traits that make certain people more vulnerable. These include the need for validation from others, difficulty with confrontation, low self-esteem and a desire to save others. People with these traits are likely to prioritize the blackmailer’s needs above their own.

This was the case with Elliot and Eve, an artist couple. Elliot was quite successful, while Eve was just getting started. Eve moved in with him early on in their relationship to save money. Later on, she expressed interest in taking graphic design classes, but Elliott was entirely against the idea.

Nip blackmail in the bud by responding at your own pace and objectively observing the situation.

How can we avoid falling prey to emotional blackmail? Here are a few simple steps you can take.

The first is to resist reaction to the blackmailer’s provocations. Blackmailers may attempt to create an atmosphere of tension that makes victims feel like they have to comply immediately or continue to suffer. To avoid this, be firm and buy yourself some time.

Set boundaries and speak up to end the cycle of emotional blackmail.

If you’ve realized over the course of these blinks that you’re a victim of emotional blackmail and want to put an end to it, what should you do? Here are some final tips to get you on your way.

First off, get to know your boundaries. If it’s clear to you that, after mapping out your partner’s actions and your reactions, her manipulative behavior is weighing on you, then don’t push this aside. Instead, dig deeper and work out when your boundaries have been crossed. This way you’ll recognize when she’s going too far in the future. You’ll also be better able to communicate your boundaries, so your partner knows exactly what you will and won’t tolerate.

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What is Emotional Blackmail about?

Emotional Blackmail (1997) helps us understand, identify, confront and remedy manipulation in our closest relationships. These blinks are filled with insightful explanations about the true nature of toxic relationships and provide you with the tools you need to break out of this vicious cycle.

Emotional Blackmail Review

Emotional Blackmail (1997) explores the manipulative tactics individuals use to control and manipulate others' emotions, and provides insights into breaking free from this toxic cycle. Here's why this book is worth reading:

Offers a practical toolkit with strategies and techniques to identify and confront emotional blackmail, empowering readers to regain control over their own lives.
Enlightens readers with real-life case studies and relatable stories, making the book engaging and relatable.
With its introspective exercises and thought-provoking questions, the book encourages self-reflection and personal growth, ensuring it never becomes monotonous or boring.

Who should read Emotional Blackmail?

Anyone tired of fighting a losing battle with a loved one
People who suspect they let fear run their life
People who want to empower themselves in their relationships

About the Author

Susan Forward, PhD, is a therapist and an internationally renowned expert in relationship and familial conflicts. She is the author of the number one The New York Times bestsellers Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them and Toxic Parents.

Categories with Emotional Blackmail

Sex & Relationships Psychology

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