The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man
Passionista by Ian Kerner is a guide to cultivating sexual confidence and fulfillment. Kerner provides advice on communication, experimentation, and self-awareness for individuals seeking to enhance their sex lives.
It goes without saying, but to sexually please your man, you kind of have to know your way around the male body. The penis typically gets all the attention – but did you know that a man's entire body is actually the key to unlocking a fully embodied sexual experience?
Throughout their lives, men are used to protecting their genitals – and for good reason! But they often develop the habit of “pulling in” their pelvic region, which leads to a constant state of tension. This tension prevents men from experiencing a truly exciting sexual experience; instead, sex can feel rehearsed, predictable, and emotionally hollow.
The key here is to help your partner open up his pelvic region – which will provide a better sexual experience for both sides. So how do you do this?
It all starts with foreplay – the stage that precedes sexual intercourse and builds arousal.
It’s common for men to rush toward orgasm. This is a habit they develop as they’re growing up; constantly feeling rushed damages their psychosexual development. Many men tend to focus too much on how they’re performing rather than being fully immersed in the experience.
The trick, then, is to help them slow down and relax. To show them that they can enjoy the journey – that they don’t have to rush to the destination. To teach them to make love not just with their penis, but their whole self.
Becoming familiar with the male erogenous areas will help you achieve this.
The most common areas of sensitivity include the neck, the lower abdomen near the naval, the inner thighs. Then, of course, there’s the penis – more specifically, the glans (the head of the penis), the frenulum (the tissue underneath connecting the glans to the shaft), the shaft, and the scrotum.
Focusing your attention on these sensitive areas will relax a man and allow him to open up more. Move between these spots to tease him and keep him guessing.
If you find your relationship dwindling because of a lack of sex or bad sex, this offers a refreshing sensual experience for both of you. But what if the issue isn’t boring, predictable sex? What if your man is finding it difficult to develop or keep an erection?
There are three types of erections that men experience: erotic, reflex, and nocturnal.
The erotic erection is often considered the brain erection because it results from visual stimulation – for instance, if a man sees an image of a naked woman and gets turned on. Reflex erections are caused by direct stimulation to the penis, while nocturnal erections are erections that happen during the REM (rapid eye movement) cycle of sleep.
There are many reasons why a man may struggle to maintain an erection. Most commonly, it’s due to being depressed or stressed. These factors are out of your control, so don’t beat yourself up thinking you aren’t doing enough to please your man!
But let’s go back to the nocturnal erection for a moment. This is something to take advantage of if your partner is experiencing any sort of erectile dysfunction. If he wakes up and it’s there, use it.
Passionista (2008) is a guide to understanding male sexuality and satisfaction. It offers answers to the questions partners may have – and shows that giving pleasure can be just as fun as receiving it.
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