Difficult Conversations Buchzusammenfassung - das Wichtigste aus Difficult Conversations

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Zusammenfassung von Difficult Conversations

Name: Difficult Conversations
Rating: 4.1 (299 reviews)
Author: Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen

Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen

How to Discuss What Matters Most

4.1 (299 Bewertungen)

14 Min.

Themen

Resolving Conflict Interviewing Listening Negotiations

Inhaltsübersicht

Difficult Conversations
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What’s in it for me? Learn how to become a better communicator.

Some people are great communicators, while others cower at the thought of discussing difficult topics with another person.

But sometimes there are tough conversations you can’t avoid, and therefore, it’s important to learn how to handle a difficult conversation. Thankfully, the authors have compiled tips and everyday examples to help you get better at unpleasant exchanges.

These blinks highlight the common pitfalls that blight many difficult conversations. They also provide advice on how to stop them. Finally, the blinks provide you with a framework to ensure that your conversations around difficult topics stay on topic and free of hurt.

Afterward, no difficult conversation will scare you away.

In these blinks, you’ll find out

about the “What Happened?” Conversation;
what an emotional footprint is; and
how to confront a flatmate about dirty dishes.

You shouldn’t avoid difficult conversations out of fear of the consequences.

Communication is key to getting what you want, but some conversations are harder to have than others.

A difficult conversation is anything you find a challenge to discuss. Common topics include race, religion, sexuality and gender politics, but it can extend to any conversations that make you uncomfortable – such as asking your partner to quit smoking.

Unpleasant talks are often avoided because the outcomes are unpredictable and the stakes are high, leaving you vulnerable. Your mind jumps back and forth, trying to decide the best course of action: Should I approach this issue? Or should I just let it go? If you choose to confront it, the situation could improve. However, there’s also the risk that you may get a less than favorable result.

Say you decide to talk to your neighbor about his dog keeping you up at night with its incessant barking. On the one hand, he might be very understanding and offer to keep the dog inside after dark. But he may also think you’re overreacting and hold a grudge against you for complaining.

No matter the situation, always take up the conversation – even if it’s difficult.

Difficult conversations aren’t ideal, but neither are barking dogs keeping you up at night. More often than not, these talks are worth the effort if there’s a chance they could improve your life. So don’t turn a blind eye – or a deaf ear – to something that’s bugging you. Instead, learn how to speak up in an effective manner, which we’ll teach you in the following blinks.

Difficult conversations comprise of blame, feelings and identity.

Any difficult discussion consists of three elements happening at the same time: the “What Happened?” Conversation, the Feelings Conversation and the Identity Conversation.

The “What Happened?” Conversation involves fighting over who’s right, assuming the other person’s intentions and assigning blame.

Turn the “What Happened” Conversation into a Learning Conversation by focusing on curiosity, impact and contribution.

A Learning Conversation is a discussion in which we try to work something out without fighting, blaming, silencing our emotions or doubting ourselves.

Let’s apply the Learning Conversation approach to the three types of difficult conversations mentioned earlier, starting with the “What Happened?” Conversation.

Improve the Feelings Conversation by exploring, negotiating and sharing your feelings.

It’s not easy dealing with emotions, and it’s even harder trying to share them. When they threaten to embarrass us, we even go so far as to suppress our feelings. However, the Learning Conversation can help us address difficult emotions in three easy steps.

First, let’s find out what’s really happening deep down. You can do this by exploring your emotional footprint. This is your way of reacting emotionally, guided by what you consider ok to express and what you believe is better kept to yourself.

Focus on the intricacies of the Identity Conversation and refrain from controlling others’ reactions.

You know who you are, more or less. But you also tend to judge yourself in absolute terms: competent or useless, mean or kind, capable or incapable of being loved.

Absolute terms such as these are limiting because nothing’s black and white, and as a result, you can quickly get confused about your own identity.

Tell a neutral Third Story.

Though difficult conversations are tricky to initiate, you need to start somewhere.

A good rule of thumb is to never start inside your own story.

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Worum geht es in Difficult Conversations?

Difficult Conversations (1999) takes a look at what makes a conversation difficult and why we often try to avoid them. It outlines how to correctly approach and maneuver through tough topics to build positive and meaningful relationships.

Bestes Zitat aus Difficult Conversations

All-or-nothing identities are about as sturdy as a two-legged stool.

—Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen

Wer Difficult Conversations lesen sollte

Politicians and business leaders
Teachers
Parents

Über den Autor

Douglas Stone lectures at Harvard Law School and is an expert in negotiation and communication. He co-founded the Triad Consulting Group, a communication and education consultancy firm.

Bruce Patton is the co-founder of the Harvard Negotiation Project, a research entity that deals with conflict resolution and negotiation practices. Patton also founded Vantage Partners, a law firm representing some of the world’s biggest corporations.

Sheila Heen is a teacher at Harvard Law School and co-founder of the Triad Consulting Group. She also works as a mediator at the Singapore Supreme Court.

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