Platonic Book Summary - Platonic Book explained in key points

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Platonic summary

Name: Platonic
Rating: 4.4 (187 reviews)
Author: Marisa G. Franco

Marisa G. Franco

How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make - and Keep - Friends

4.4 (187 ratings)

18 mins

What is Platonic about?

Platonic (2022) is an actionable guide to making and keeping friends as an adult. It combines true stories of friendship with psychological research to give you clear, actionable, and practical advice on building better friendships.

Table of Contents

Platonic
summarized in 7 key ideas

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Key idea 1 of 7

What’s in it for me? Improve your ability to make (and keep) friends.

Why do you want to have friends? For the company? For the shared experiences? For stress relief?

The answer’s actually pretty simple. It’s because you, just like any other human on the planet, are a social creature.

You've probably heard that more times than you can count, but we can't discredit how true it is. We thrive off of relationships so much that psychologists deem them as necessary to survival as oxygen, food, and water.

But while we’re hardwired to connect with others, it doesn't mean making and keeping friends comes naturally to every one of us. That's where this Blink to Platonic, by Dr. Marisa G. Franco, comes in.

Outlining research-based techniques on how to improve your ability to build and sustain friendships, it aims to teach you how to become a better friend – and, ultimately, a better human in the process.

Friendships shape who we are.

Harriet had searched for a spouse her whole life. She envied her coworker Denise for having a loving husband and gorgeous twins – and wished she could have the same, too.

Thankfully, after decades of searching, Harriet met and married Frederico. She thought her life was finally complete. But then, Frederico sadly passed away. In that moment, Harriet made an intriguing realization: friends are more valuable than a husband. She found solace in them when she mourned. And after she healed from losing Frederico, she had friends to fill her time and make her life more meaningful than ever.

Westerners would probably frown at Harriet's claim that friendship is more important than romantic relationships. This comes as no surprise, given how Western culture significantly undervalues platonic ties.

However, friendship, as it turns out, has a much greater effect on our lives than we often give it credit for. According to meta-analyses, exercise reduces mortality by 23–30 percent. But having a big social network reduces it by 45 percent! Another study reports that socializing with friends increases happiness levels more than time spent with spouses or children.

Apart from improving our well-being on the physiological and psychological side of things, friendship also molds us as individuals. For one, having friends teaches us to be more empathetic – not only to our peers but to people in general. This is because friendships provide opportunities to practice and cultivate empathy.

Having quality connections also boosts our appeal as potential friends. Research reveals that the better friends we have, the more moral, attentive, and, again, empathetic we ourselves become.

Simply put, friendship serves as a portal to our most authentic, generous, and rich selves. By shaping us into more well-rounded individuals, our friendships equip us to build relationships that last.

But how exactly do we make and keep friends in the first place?

Making friends takes initiative.

Let’s say you relocated to a new city to take that once-in-a-lifetime job offer. You moved away from everyone you knew, and now you're completely alone. As a social being, you’d naturally want to seek out new pals.

But how can you do that when all you do is sit quietly at your desk and then head straight home after clocking out? Hate to break it to you, but people won’t just magically appear in your living room offering you friendship. It's up to you to take the lead and put yourself out there.

Being vulnerable will help you connect better with friends.

Say you’ve made a new friend by taking initiative. The challenge now is figuring out how to maintain and strengthen that relationship. This is where vulnerability comes into play. Being vulnerable means sharing the most fragile and humiliating pieces of yourself with others.

Admittedly, this isn't an easy thing to do – you don't want others to perceive you as weak. But contrary to popular belief, people feel closer to those who are vulnerable. As Dr. Anna Bruk's research suggests, others don't actually pass negative judgment as much as we think. In fact, when we're vulnerable, they’re more likely to think we’re authentic and honest – and connect more deeply as a result.

Make friendships deeper by being authentic.

Aside from revealing your weak side, another surefire way to cement the friendship is by being your true self. But what does being authentic even mean? Does it mean admitting to your friend that you actually dislike their partner? Or telling them that they’re having a bad hair day? Or giving them unsolicited feedback?

Well, no. These actions are all about rawness. Authenticity, on the other hand, goes beyond just expressing what you want, think, or feel.

Opening up about conflict will strengthen your friendships.

Are you at odds with your significant other? Simply turn to friends and family, or read blogs and books, and you can get your hands on a lot of advice to help you work things out. But what if a conflict arises between you and your friends? Where do you turn to then?

Unfortunately, there are a lot fewer tips on resolving conflict between friends. That’s because, as studies report, we tend to avoid disagreements with friends more than with romantic partners. It's difficult to open up about things that upset us because we often convince ourselves that we have no right to feel the way we do. So instead of expressing our frustration, we stuff it down and hope the problem goes away.

Be generous – but know your limits.

You probably have that one friend who goes above and beyond, whether it's by sending cookies they baked themselves or by bringing back souvenirs from their trips. You adore them not because you like getting gifts, but because they make you feel valued. That's the effect generosity has on friendships. It's like a magnet that draws people together, and it helps make existing relationships even closer.

This is exemplified in the results of a poll conducted by the investing advice firm Motley Fool. The company surveyed more than a thousand Americans – and found that generous people tend to have deeper connections, a wider circle of friends, and more social support in times of need.

Affection creates new friendships and deepens existing ones.

When was the last time you told a friend how much they mean to you? How much you enjoy having them in your life? How much you appreciate them supporting you through your problems?

If you're like most people, you probably don't tell your friends stuff like this very often – you're not used to showing affection in friendships. Again, this mainly comes down to doubt. We don't want to come off as weird, and we certainly don't want them to think we have romantic feelings for them.

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About the Author

Dr. Marisa G. Franco is a professor at the University of Maryland, where she also earned her PhD in Counseling Psychology. She has done extensive research on friendship, which she presents to various organizations across the United States.

Who should read Platonic?

People who want to become better friends
Anyone who’s struggled to make new friends as an adult
Friends who’d like to strengthen their relationships

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Psychology Mindfulness & Happiness

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