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Name: Didn't See That Coming
Rating: 4.6 (98 reviews)
Author: Rachel Hollis

Rachel Hollis

Putting Life Back Together When Your World Falls Apart

4.6 (98 ratings)

23 mins

Brief summary

Didn't See That Coming by Rachel Hollis is a self-help book that empowers readers to overcome adversity and grow through life's unexpected challenges. Hollis offers practical tools and personal anecdotes to help readers navigate difficult times, cultivate resilience, and find growth and purpose in the midst of struggle.

Topics

Self-Care Trauma & Healing Self-Help

Table of Contents

Didn't See That Coming
Summary of 8 key ideas

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Key idea 1 of 8

What’s in it for me? Learn and grow through crisis.

There are times when life can feel stunningly hard. Like when those pesky what-if scenarios that keep you up at night – What if I get dumped? What if I lose my job? What if my child gets sick? – become a cruel reality. And let’s not forget those challenges you never anticipated, or tragedy you could never have imagined, that tear through your life like a tornado, leaving you to pick up the pieces.

When the worst happens, it’s natural to feel that life will never be the same again. And, in many ways, it won’t. But, with work, you can come through crisis transformed: stronger, more purposeful, and more powerful than you could have ever imagined.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

how to weather the identity crises that trauma can bring;
why you need to let go of your guilt; and
what you can do to show up for others, even when you're at your lowest.

Claiming your authentic identity can help you endure crises.

Experiencing a crisis is like finding yourself on another planet after traveling through space at the speed of light. Your body is on the new planet, but your brain hasn’t caught up yet. You’re still acting and thinking like on Earth.

In the wake of a crisis, you notice some changes immediately. When a loved one dies, you notice she’s gone. When your marriage breaks up, you notice that you’re sleeping alone. But these traumatic events also challenge your identity – and, often, you won’t notice or come to terms with that right away.

The key message here is: Claiming your authentic identity can help you endure crises.

Life can sometimes leave you reeling, with your sense of self shaken to its core. Let’s take a look at three ways a crisis can shift your identity, and how to deal with each.

The first kind of identity crisis is the feeling that your identity has been taken from you. If you’ve been widowed, for example, you may feel that you’ve lost your identity as a spouse. You wonder, Who am I now? But the reality is that you’re still an amazing spouse. You earned that identity, and no crisis can take that away.

The second identity crisis is the one in which the identity you long for is denied to you. You might desperately want to be a mother, but infertility cruelly prevents you from being one. In this instance, you might need to ask yourself, Am I overly attached to how I’m going to achieve this identity? There are many ways to become a mother – or an entrepreneur, or whatever else you’d like to be. You don’t need to let go of the identity you dream of; rather, you need to be flexible about how you’re going to achieve it.

A third identity crisis occurs when you cling to an identity you thought you wanted, but which no longer serves you. You might have built your life around being a high-flying lawyer, but when you make partner, you feel empty. This is when it’s time to reassess your priorities. If you’re truthful with yourself about your real identity, you might find you want something else, like a more creative job, or a flexible role that lets you spend time with family.

Most importantly, you – and only you – are in charge of defining your own identity. And honest self-reflection will be key to your success.

If you’ve caused the crisis you’re in, don’t let your guilt about it define you.

Sometimes, a crisis is totally outside of your control. The economy shrinks and your job’s on the line. A cancer diagnosis hits you like a bolt from the blue. But there might also be times when you find yourself in a crisis in which you can’t look elsewhere for blame. Your life has been shattered because you broke it.

Unfortunately, we all have flaws. There are times when we may find ourselves being dishonest, disloyal, angry, or even having to deal with issues like addiction. We all have the capacity to inflict trauma on ourselves and others. So, faced with that ugly truth, how do we cope with, and overcome, a crisis we have created?

Shifting your perspective can change a crisis into an opportunity.

Have you ever been to the city of Pisa in Italy? It’s home to the world-famous leaning tower. Now, on postcards the tower looks monumental. But in person? Well, it’s beautiful, but it’s kind of small. Underwhelming, even.

Yet this mid-sized tower is more popular with tourists than most skyscrapers, and it’s all because of “the photo.” You know the one. If the person with the camera gets the angle just right, and the person in the shot leans a certain way, it looks like they’re hugging the tower or holding it up. What’s more, it looks like the person is the same size as the tower itself.

To come through crises stronger and better, cultivate a growth mindset.

There are different ways to react to a crisis. Some people emerge broken and damaged. Others, despite the pain, reach the other side stronger, more powerful, and more resilient than before.

We know that crisis can test people’s talents, abilities, and capacity to keep going in ways that they’ve never been tested before. So how can people have such different outcomes even when they experience similar types of trauma? And how can you make sure that you come out of your crisis stronger instead of broken?

A crisis isn’t an excuse to give up on life.

Sometimes a crisis can shake you to your very core. A romance dissolves without warning. Your financial safety net is ripped out from beneath you. A loved one is alive one minute, and gone the next.

In the aftermath of a significant trauma, you might feel like retreating from the world. You might want to stop answering your phone, neglect your inbox, take a leave from work, ignore household chores. And that’s fine. You need time to grieve, to process and adjust.

In a crisis, bad habits only deepen your pain.

What do you do when you’re having a stressful day at work? Perhaps you help yourself to an extra donut from the break room. Maybe you indulge in some retail therapy on your lunch break. Or you make a stop on the way home to pick up a bottle of wine.

Eating, shopping, and treating yourself to a glass of wine or two: these are all small pleasures that can also be effective stressbusters. But when your stress isn’t confined to one hard day at work – when you’re living under the constant stress that comes with crisis – these small comforts can turn into toxic habits.

Even in crisis, work to find your joy.

Robert Frost once wrote that “the best way out is always through.” This is especially true when battling a traumatic event. You must work through your crisis to get to the other side so you can move on with your life. The way you conduct yourself on that journey is up to you. You can be bitter and mournful, or you can find things to smile at along the way.

If you don’t think that’s possible, consider this. During the early twentieth century, when criminals were still publicly hanged, most would sulk as they approached the gallows. But there were some who laughed, whistled, and even told jokes as they neared their demise. This phenomenon gave birth to an expression we still use today: “gallows humor.”

Reimagine your future from inside your new reality.

One of the worst things a crisis can do is rob you of the future you’d imagined for yourself. You expected to retire comfortably by the seaside, but one poor investment decision decimated your finances. You thought you’d grow old surrounded by sweet grandchildren, but an unexpected diagnosis cast a shadow over your plans.

Dealing with a crisis in the present tense is hard enough. Reckoning with how a crisis will alter your future? Well, that can be even tougher. But it is possible to create a different and better future in the aftermath of a crisis – with a little imagination and flexibility.

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What is Didn't See That Coming about?

Didn’t See That Coming (2020) is a handbook filled with real-world strategies for coping with pain, tragedy, loss, and betrayal, based on author Rachel Hollis’s own experiences. Without ever sugarcoating the devastating effects of grief and trauma, it offers a blueprint for living with pain without letting it define you, and reaching for your best life even after the worst has happened.

Who should read Didn't See That Coming?

Anyone whose life has been shaken by a crisis
Friends or family trying to support a loved one through trauma
Everyone trying to come to terms with a difficult past

About the Author

Rachel Hollis is an entrepreneur, speaker, best-selling author, and mother of four. From humble beginnings as a blogger she has grown a media empire. She helms a popular YouTube channel, hosts the RISE podcast, and is the author of three phenomenally successful books, including Girl, Wash Your Face and Girl, Stop Apologizing.

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