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Zusammenfassung von We Need to Talk

Name: We Need to Talk
Rating: 4.4 (214 reviews)
Author: Celeste Headlee

Celeste Headlee

How to Have Conversations That Matter

4.4 (214 Bewertungen)

21 Min.

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What’s in it for me? Find out how to improve your conversations.

We all talk. About, to, over, sometimes even with other people. Thanks to modern technology, we’re more connected than ever before. But what sorts of conversation are we having?

Not good ones! Even as it’s become easier to stay in touch, the quality of our chat has declined. We are losing the ability to connect with other people. We are less empathetic. We listen less.

In a way, it’s understandable – good conversation isn’t easy. In these blinks, you’ll see why it’s worth putting in the effort and discover how you can truly get to know other people through talking.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

how to talk to someone you think you have nothing in common with;
the difference between a shift response and a support response; and
why talking about yourself is a bit like sex.

Good communication is fundamental to being human, but modern life has set us up with some bad habits.

If you were to stand a human next to, say, a snow leopard or a Komodo dragon, you might wonder how we became the dominant species. There are all kinds of animals out there that are faster, bigger, and stronger than we are. Even some whose teeth are filled with poison! Yet somehow, humans have risen to the top.

One reason is our ability to communicate. What we lack in physical prowess, we make up for in being able to talk to each other in minute detail – and to listen, too. That has all manner of evolutionary advantages.

It’s strange, then, that we don’t try a bit harder when it comes to communicating. In fact, these days, we’re getting worse and worse at it.

The key message here is: Good communication is fundamental to being human, but modern life has set us up with some bad habits.

People have been talking to each other since the dawn of time, but here’s a very modern example that shows why learning to do it well is worth it – poor communication costs money. For large businesses in the US and UK the impact could be as much as $37 billion a year, according to a report from 2008.

It’s not just financial, and it’s not just businesses that are affected either. Another study found that college students in 2010 were 40 percent less empathetic than students from 30 years earlier. A big contributor to this is undoubtedly the rise of technology and social media, which encourages fleeting superficial connection, not empathy.

In another study, researchers put multiple pairs of strangers in a room together and asked them to chat – in half of the rooms they also put a cell phone on the table. And even though the phone was just sitting there, it had a negative impact on the couples’ communication. The pairs in the rooms with no cell phone reported developing better relationships, and feeling more trust and empathy.

What can you do about this? Putting your phone away is just the beginning. More important than that is for you to start taking the art of conversation seriously.

If you have a bad conversation, it’s common to impulsively blame the other person for not being interesting enough. Definitely stop doing that! Instead, if you can take the responsibility for shaping an interesting conversation yourself, you’ll be amazed at the results.

Look for common ground, and you’ll find you can take on even the toughest conversations.

Do you shy away from difficult conversations? Many people do. But sometimes conversations that look impossibly difficult can turn out surprisingly well.

Take the case of Xernona Clayton, who was born in the 1930s and became involved in the US civil rights movement. She also worked as head of a city planning program in Atlanta, Georgia – where one of her colleagues was a man named Calvin Craig, a prominent member of the Ku Klux Klan.

Don’t assume you know what other people are going through.

The author hosts a radio show, on which she’s interviewed countless guests. But even she makes mistakes in conversation from time to time.

Once, for example, a devastated friend turned to her for consolation after losing her father. The author’s response was to relate her own experience of bereavement – her father had died when she was just nine months old.

You can get people to talk by asking open-ended questions, but the true power lies in listening to what they say.

If you want a friend or colleague to open up in conversation, one of the best things to do is to consider the sorts of questions you ask them.

You might think that the best way to extract a long, detailed answer is to ask a long, detailed question. But it’s not. The most effective way to encourage a full response is to use one of six short words: who, what, where, when, why, or how.

Listening is an active – not a passive – skill.

A recent scientific study looked at what happens in the brain when people talk about themselves. It discovered something intriguing: when you talk about yourself, the same part of the brain lights up as when you eat sugar, take cocaine, or have sex. It seems that talking about yourself is that pleasurable.

Listening, on the other hand, not so much! In fact, it’s genuinely hard work. And if you think it simply involves not talking for a while, you’re mistaken – it’s a skill all of its own.

When you’re talking, be sensitive to the listener.

The power of listening well is one thing, but listening is only one half of any conversation. Even if you’re paying close attention to what the other person is saying, there’s no getting around it – at some point, you’re going to have to speak too!

How do you make sure your contributions to a conversation are good ones? Put yourself in your listener’s shoes, and consider how you sound to them.

Having good conversations is hard work – but getting them right benefits everybody.

Being a radio host means that talking to people is part of the author’s job. But that doesn’t mean she is always on. In fact, when she gets home from work, if there are people she needs to talk to for administrative tasks, she often asks her son to do it for her.

Is she being antisocial? Far from it. But she knows her limits.

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Worum geht es in We Need to Talk?

We Need to Talk (2017) walks you through the art of good conversation – a vital but often undervalued skill. It shows how effective conversation leads to more meaningful relationships and a greater understanding of other people. The book also offers advice on how to improve your own conversation skills.

Wer We Need to Talk lesen sollte

People frustrated by superficial conversations
Keen talkers who want to become better listeners
Conversationalists eager to improve their skills

Über den Autor

Celeste Headlee is a journalist and broadcaster who hosts the daily news show On Second Thought on Georgia Public Broadcasting. She’s spent more than ten years with NPR, and is also a classically trained singer. Her second book, Do Nothing, is about how to enjoy your leisure time.

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Kommunikation & Soft Skills

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