Name: The Joy of Saying No
Rating: 4.2 (59 reviews)
Author: Natalie Lue

What’s in it for me? Stop people pleasing and start living.

It’s the prognosis we all dread receiving: reaching 40 might be optimistic.

Author Natalie Lue was only 28 years old when she received the news, after 18 months of shuttling from doctor to doctor, department to department, test to test. No one could tell her the cause of her immune disease – sarcoidosis – nor offer a compelling path to curing it. At the same time, she’d kept her illness to herself, not wanting to “burden” her family, boss, and colleagues with inconvenient information.

For those 18 months, Lue had followed every suggestion to the tee. After all, experts and authority figures were to be obeyed without question, weren’t they? But in August 2005, her body and soul made it clear they felt otherwise. Completely contrary to character, Lue found herself saying no to her latest consultant and his recommendations. This was a pivotal moment, marking the start of Lue’s journey to recovery from sarcoidosis and another, more inconspicuous affliction: people pleasing.

You might not necessarily consider yourself a people pleaser. But perhaps you can relate to years of repressing your own wants and needs for “the sake” of others, or mindlessly heeding the “wisdom” of others while ignoring your own, and saying yes when you really, really, really want to say no.

If so, you’re probably suffering from pervasive people pleasing. But as we’ll explore, it’s not your fault, and there is a way out.

The idea of saying no or setting healthy boundaries may seem frightening to you now, and you might not have the slightest clue of who’d you be without your underlying people pleasing tendencies. But on the other side of those healthy boundaries is your freedom; who you are without those ingrained habits is your authentic self.

So if you’re sick of contorting yourself into whatever human pretzel is expected of you – postponing your dreams, and sacrificing your joy and authenticity – buckle up. Get ready for a crash course in kicking your people-pleasing habits for good.

People pleasing 101

If you were born anywhere between the year 1940 and, say, the year 2000, congratulations! You were raised in the Age of Obedience. The overt and universal theme for children of this age was “be good.” And “being good” meant complying, conforming, and deferring to authority figures at all times. Which, as children, was basically everyone, regardless of how fit those people were for a position of power.

Objectively, it’s stunning that so many of us unquestioningly carried this conditioning into our adult lives. But as it turns out, our brain’s habit headquarters – the basal ganglia – don’t differentiate between helpful and unhelpful behavioral patterns. Its job isn’t to discern but simply to recall and serve up the most frequently enacted conditioning from similar situations.

Over time, patterns become personas, limiting the range of roles we play. This is why so many of us are stuck reenacting scenes from childhood. And while we may be unrecognizable from our six-year-old selves in every other way, we still draw on the same strategies to get approval and validation.

But here’s the truth: you can’t continue suppressing your own principles, priorities, and preferences – “being good” in other words – and not have your physical and mental well-being take a hit. Let alone your hopes and dreams for the future. Chronic people pleasing can’t coexist with authenticity or joy.

As adults then, we must disentangle ourselves from this outdated and often detrimental conditioning. The more we wriggle out of the web, the freer we become – freer to live in alignment with what feels right and true for us.

This isn’t to say you’ll never negotiate, sacrifice, or obey again. Of course you will. But instead of being on autopilot, you’ll start to question why you’re acting in a particular way. Sometimes, you’ll feel a genuine desire to serve the greater good. Other times, you’ll find you’ve reverted to habitual people pleasing ways. Don’t beat yourself up if you do relapse. Treat the discovery as a data point. There may be certain people or situations where your patterning runs deeper, which is what we’ll explore next: identifying your people pleasing type.

Discovering your people pleasing flavor is key

People pleasing behaviors might originate from a similar origin but that doesn’t mean all people pleasers operate the same way. In fact, there are five distinct flavors of people pleasing: Gooding, Efforting, Avoiding, Saving, and Suffering.

While we're all capable of mixing up our flavors on occasion, we tend to have a primary modus operandi – our go-to flavor. But before we take a closer look at each of these types so you can discover which is yours, it’s important to know that this isn’t just about sticking a label to yourself. Understanding what you most fear reveals what you value most. And understanding what you value most provides invaluable insight into what an authentic, joyful life will look and feel like for you. This is no small thing, given that pleasers rarely act according to their own wishes.

Roadmap to recovery

For some pleasers, a future of joy and authenticity will seem almost unfathomable. A lifetime spent sacrificing both makes it hard to imagine such a future ever being a reality – let alone theirs.

Yet the possibility is real. The road to people pleasing recovery is one of many steps, but fortunately, it’s only ever one step at a time. With dedication, compassion and commitment, you can reach your destination.

About the Author

Natalie Lue is a UK-born, Ireland-raised author and artist, best known for her blog, Baggage Reclaim. Prior to The Joy of Saying No, Lue self-published four books, including Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl and The No Contact Rule. Lue’s work on emotional baggage has been featured in Forbes, the New York Times, and the Washington Post.