Powerful ideas from top nonfiction
Try Blinkist to get the key ideas from 7,500+ bestselling nonfiction titles and podcasts. Listen or read in just 15 minutes.
Get started
Blink 3 of 8 - The 5 AM Club
by Robin Sharma
Listen to the Intro
Us summary
Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship
20 mins
Brief summary
Us by Terrence Real is a relationship guide that helps couples overcome the challenges of long-term relationships. It explores the gender differences in romantic relationships and provides practical tools for improving communication, intimacy, and trust.
Table of Contents
Us
Summary of 4 key ideas
Audio & text in the Blinkist app
Key idea 1 of 4
You can overcome toxic emotional habits.
If you’re in a relationship, this scenario might be familiar. It begins with something trivial – think a dish left unwashed in the sink. You ask your partner why they haven’t cleaned it; they reply, maybe a little snappily, that they haven’t gotten around to it yet. All of a sudden, you’re both feeling tense. Defensive. Things escalate. Now, much bigger emotions are coursing through you: rage, hatred, contempt. You’re both yelling, dredging up old disagreements and hurling insults. Or, you’re giving each other the silent treatment with stony eyes. You’ve forgotten that the person you’re fighting with is the same person who laughs at your jokes and holds you when you're sad. Your rational brain has left the building, and all your worst emotional habits have kicked in and taken over.
Why does this happen? The field of interpersonal neurobiology, which looks at the individual’s brain cognition in the context of her relationships with others, has some answers. The reason you and your partner are so good at driving each other crazy is that people in close relationships tend to coregulate. That means when your partner's levels of the stress hormone cortisol spike, your cortisol levels are apt to rise too. Similarly, when your partner is relaxed, you’re likely to feel relaxed too.
That’s part of the picture. But what about all those toxic emotional reactions that come into play when you and your partner disagree? That, too, has a lot to do with your relationships with others. You learned your stress reactions – whether they’re to yell, lie, or retreat into silence — in the context of your earliest relationships. For most of us, that means we absorbed the stress responses that were modeled by our families, and especially by our parents.
When things are going smoothly, most of us are wise adults. We think with our prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for measured, complex cognition. We’re rational, flexible, warm, forgiving. We know that one dirty dish isn’t the end of the world. But when we’re under stress, another region of our brain, the amygdala, takes charge and stimulates a fight-or-flight response. In fight-or-flight situations, we’re only concerned with self-preservation – we feel we don’t have time to think things through, so we act on instinct. This is when the adaptive child emerges. Your adaptive child is a creature of emotional habit, using all the stress responses you learned when you were young. Whether this adaptive child is cruelly domineering, a people-pleasing doormat, or something in between, they are always rigid in their thought patterns and behaviors.
Sometimes, when you and your partner fight, your wise adult selves leave the room, leaving two adaptive children. All of a sudden, your worst habits and most destructive emotional impulses are triggered. But there is some good news. Just because your adaptive child automatically takes over doesn’t mean it always has to be like this. Scientists used to assume that the neural pathways of our brains were set in stone. These pathways calcified into habits, behaviors, and traits – in other words, our basic characteristics. If you were a person with a bad temper, that trait was yours for life. Now, scientists know that – through the process known as neuroplasticity – neural pathways can rewire and reform. In other words, we are capable of phenomenal change.
Let’s go back to that dirty dish. When the fight spun out of control, you and your partner weren’t acting as wise adults. Wise adults know preserving the relationship – the “us” – is more important than individual point-scoring. Instead, you were two “I”s battling it out.
Here’s what you need to know: when one “I” wins, the loser is always “us.” But it is possible to break free from toxic behaviors, to approach conflicts as wise adults, to stop thinking in terms of “I” – and reframe your relationship in terms of “us.”
Want more?
Read or listen to the key ideas
from 7,500+ titles
Read or listen to the key ideas
from 7,500+ titles
Key ideas in Us
More knowledge in less time
Read or listen
Get the key ideas from nonfiction bestsellers in minutes, not hours.
Find your next read
Get book lists curated by experts and personalized recommendations.
Shortcasts New
We’ve teamed up with podcast creators to bring you key insights from podcasts.
What is Us about?
Us (2022) is for anyone whose once-loving relationship has devolved into point-scoring and power struggles. It offers a science-based skill set, illustrated with rich and detailed examples, to help you and your partner heal your toxic individualism and your relationship.
Us Review
Us (2017) by Terrence Real is a thought-provoking exploration of the complexities within intimate relationships and how they can be improved. Here's why this book is worth diving into:
- It offers a refreshing perspective on relationships, delving into the underlying dynamics and providing insights that challenge traditional notions.
- Real combines personal stories, research findings, and therapeutic techniques to create a well-rounded guide that feels practical and relevant.
- The book's honest and relatable tone makes it easy to connect with, ensuring that readers will find it engaging and empathetic throughout.
Who should read Us?
- Couples who find themselves having the same fight over and over again
- Partners whose disagreements turn melodramatic within minutes
- Anyone dealing with a breach of trust in a close relationship
Categories with Us
Book summaries like Us
People ❤️ Blinkist
Sven O.
It's highly addictive to get core insights on personally relevant topics without repetition or triviality. Added to that the apps ability to suggest kindred interests opens up a foundation of knowledge.
Thi Viet Quynh N.
Great app. Good selection of book summaries you can read or listen to while commuting. Instead of scrolling through your social media news feed, this is a much better way to spend your spare time in my opinion.
Jonathan A.
Life changing. The concept of being able to grasp a book's main point in such a short time truly opens multiple opportunities to grow every area of your life at a faster rate.
Renee D.
Great app. Addicting. Perfect for wait times, morning coffee, evening before bed. Extremely well written, thorough, easy to use.
People also liked these summaries
4.7 Stars
Average ratings on iOS and Google Play
37 Million
Downloads on all platforms
10+ years
Experience igniting personal growth
Us FAQs
What is the main message of Us?
The main message of Us is the importance of understanding and healing relationship patterns to create a thriving partnership.
How long does it take to read Us?
The reading time for Us varies, but it typically takes a few hours. The Blinkist summary can be read in just 15 minutes.
Is Us a good book? Is it worth reading?
Us is a valuable read for anyone looking to improve their relationship. With practical insights and guidance, it provides a fresh perspective on love and connection.
Who is the author of Us?
The author of Us is Terrence Real.
What to read after Us?
If you're wondering what to read next after Us, here are some recommendations we suggest:
- Power Relationships by Andrew Sobel and Jerold Panas
- The Love Prescription by John Gottman & Julie Schwartz Gottman
- It Begins with You by Jillian Turecki
- Fight Right by Julie Schwartz Gottman
- The Power of Discord by Ed Tronick
- Hope for Cynics by Jamil Zaki
- Relationship Goals by Michael Todd
- Good Arguments by Bo Seo
- Good to Great by Jim Collins
- Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller