Raising Cain Book Summary - Raising Cain Book explained in key points

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Raising Cain summary

Name: Raising Cain
Rating: 4.1 (44 reviews)
Author: Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson

Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson

Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys

4.1 (44 ratings)

19 mins

What is Raising Cain about?

Raising Cain (1999) explains how boys have to navigate a society rife with misguided ideas about masculinity and filled with cruel classmates who are ready to pounce on any sign of weakness. Discover how these conditions can create emotionally stunted and suicidal young men, and find out what can be done to help remedy their situation before it’s too late.

Table of Contents

Raising Cain
summarized in 8 key ideas

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Key idea 1 of 8

What’s in it for me? Understand the world of raising boys.

As the saying goes: “Boys will be boys.” This simplistic tautology implies that boys will always be troublesome, causing disruptions in school and fighting among each other, and this is no cause for concern.

But what is it like from a boy’s perspective? From early education to relationships with their mothers, boys do differ from girls in many ways. Here, we will look at how we as a society groom boys into men and the problems that derive from that process.

In these blinks, you’ll discover

why older boys should be in classes with younger girls;
how the “boys will be boys” attitude makes for a cruel, emotionally guarded world; and
what impact father and mother figures have on boys.

Society has an enduring and misguided image of masculinity that leads to bad behavior among adolescents.

You’re probably familiar with sayings like “Real men don’t cry” or theories stating that women prefer the “strong and silent” type of man over someone who shows emotion.

Ideas like these represent a traditional stereotype of masculinity that is still very dominant in our society and continues to influence boys who are growing up today.

Especially troubling are the ubiquitous images of tough, violent and emotionally detached male heroes.

These figures have been around for generations, going to back to the movies of John Wayne and James Dean. And today they can still be seen in video games like Grand Theft Auto or Hatred, or in popular action movies where the protagonist is a cold and remorseless man who solves his problems with a gun.

Parents may try to protect their children from these images, but they are hard to escape when even television commercials and ads celebrate similar male stereotypes. Everywhere on TV, the idea of a real man is someone who drives fast cars, drinks bourbon whiskey and objectifies women.

Influenced by these images, boys try to live up to the male ideal by proudly binge drinking, getting into fights, driving drunk and having casual sex.

There have even been studies that directly link such bad behavior to the pervasive image of macho masculinity.

In a National Survey of Adolescent Males conducted in 1995, heterosexual boys between the ages of 15 and 19, from all across the United States, were interviewed about their behavior.

The boys were first asked whether they agree or disagree with certain statements related to masculinity in society, such as “A guy loses respect when he talks about his problems.”

In follow-up questions, the boys were asked about their behavior in regards to sex and drugs. The results showed that the more a boy agreed with the stereotypical ideas about masculinity, the more likely he was to take drugs and coerce someone into having unprotected sex.

Boys develop certain skills at a later age than girls, which can cause them to underperform and act out in school.

Teenage boys are not the only troublesome bunch. If you’ve ever witnessed a schoolteacher trying to read to a class of young children, you’ll often see the girls quietly paying attention while the boys get restless and goof around with each other.

Boys are nurtured to be more adventurous and less well-behaved, but a primary reason they have such a hard time following the rules in elementary school is that they mature at a later age than girls.

Schools are a cruel environment that can cause boys to become guarded and to shut down emotionally.

If you’ve spent any time around adolescent boys, you know how eager they are to watch the same TV shows, read the same comic books or wear the same clothes as the other kids in school. But these boys aren’t just following trends; this behavior is a survival strategy, a way to cope with the environment they’re forced to grow up in.

After all, the everyday world of adolescent boys can be cruel, especially if you’re unpopular.

Having the good example of an emotionally involved father can lead to a better life for young men.

Traditionally, raising children was considered the job of the mother. Even when it came to psychological research, studies were mainly done on the mother-child relationship while generally ignoring the importance of the father’s role.

This discrepancy was pointed out in a 1998 article in the New York Times; that same year, research into the father-child relationship started appearing.

Physical comfort between mothers and sons can be awkward, but young males need this contact.

Were you ever embarrassed when your mom dropped you off at school and tried to give you a hug or a kiss in front of other students? This is a pretty natural reaction for boys. As they get older and explore the world around them, things like physical intimacy with their mother can get uncomfortable.

But while adolescent boys tend to shy away from a mother’s embrace, mothers can also feel awkward about this kind of physical contact, even if their sons are still looking for tenderness.

When boys become isolated and depressed, it’s important for loved ones to help.

When you think of a typical angsty teenage boy, you might imagine an adolescent who retreats to his room, preferring to play video games rather than socializing. Seeking isolation in this way is not uncommon.

Young men often find it difficult to communicate and come to terms with their own emotions, which can lead them to shut down and isolate themselves.

Boys are at risk of teenage suicide, so any distress signals must be taken seriously.

Another commonly held misconception about boys is that they’re all strong, resilient and capable of getting through anything.

But the statistics of teen suicides tell a different story: they show that there is a clear gender divide that puts boys at a dangerously high risk.

Emotional problems make it hard for men to have healthy relationships, but this can change later in life.

Everyone knows the cliché of a manipulative, cold-hearted man seducing women and then never calling them, despite promises to do so. But even such callous behavior doesn’t mean the man isn’t still an emotional human being.

The problem is that young men have a difficult time processing their emotions, and this often gets in the way of their having healthy relationships with women.

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Best quote from Raising Cain

I love all children, except for boys. - Lewis Carroll

—Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson

About the Author

Michael Thompson, PhD, is a family psychologist based in Cambridge, Massachusetts. He is a New York Times best-selling author who has offered his counseling skills to thousands of schools around the world. His other books include Homesick and Happy and The Pressured Child.

Dan Kindlon, PhD, is a leading child psychologist who has taught at Harvard University for over 15 years. He specializes in treating learning and behavioral disorders in children and young adults. His other books include Tough Times, Strong Children.

Who should read Raising Cain?

Parents who are raising a young boy or male adolescent
Teachers and school counsellors coping with boys and their emotions
Men who would like to better understand and process their feelings

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