What is the main message of Boys & Sex?

Boys & Sex explores the complexities of young boys' attitudes towards sex and provides insights into their experiences and challenges.

Who is the author of Boys & Sex?

The author of Boys & Sex is Peggy Orenstein.

Sex & Relationships

Boys & Sex Book Summary - Boys & Sex Book explained in key points

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Boys & Sex summary

Name: Boys & Sex
Rating: 3.9 (145 reviews)
Author: Peggy Orenstein

Peggy Orenstein

Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity

3.9 (145 ratings)

26 mins

Brief summary

'Boys & Sex' by Peggy Orenstein is a thought-provoking book that explores the cultural, social and psychological factors that shape young boys' views of sex and relationships. The book reveals how stereotypes and toxic masculinity impact boys' sexuality and offers insights into how to create a healthier future for all.

Topics

Sex

Table of Contents

Boys & Sex
Summary of 8 key ideas

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Key idea 1 of 8

What’s in it for me? Get teenage boys’ uncensored perspectives on sex.

Adolescent boys don’t exactly have a reputation for being communicative – especially when it comes to talking about sensitive topics like sex. Nonetheless, over the course of two years, hundreds of adolescent American boys engaged in conversation with award-winning journalist Peggy Orenstein, talking openly about their sex lives.

Their frank discussions touched on a range of topics, including hookup culture, gender expression, sexual orientation, and the #metoo movement. They also tackled triggering subjects like hardcore pornography and campus sexual assault. The result? A compelling picture of contemporary teen masculinity and sexuality.

These blinks lay out Orenstein’s most salient findings, presenting you with a snapshot of teen male sexuality in the United States. The landscape of sex, sexual culture, and masculinity is rapidly changing. These dispatches from the frontlines of adolescent male sexuality illuminate a rarely mapped portion of that landscape.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

how explicit pornography is affecting IRL sexual encounters;
what college hookup culture is and how it works; and
what teen boys secretly wish their parents would tell them about sex.

Society still celebrates a stereotypical image of masculinity, and this stereotype is negatively impacting male health.

Over the course of two years, journalist Peggy Orenstein asked hundreds of teenage boys the same question: Which qualities does the "ideal woman" possess? She was expecting to hear a litany of standard stereotypes – blonde hair, big boobs. But the boys’ answers surprised her.

When describing this ideal woman, they used words like "leadership," "ambition," and "intelligence," among other positive descriptors. Oddly enough, it was when asked to describe the "ideal man" that the boys stuck to stereotype, listing qualities like emotional reserve, strength, and silence.

The key message here is: Society still celebrates a stereotypical image of masculinity, and this stereotype is negatively impacting male health.

The stereotypical image of the strong silent male is tangibly, and negatively, affecting male mental health. Why? Well, emodiversity – the capability to feel and express a spectrum of emotions – is key to healthy mental functioning. And the pressure to suppress emotions severely limits many boys’ emodiversity.

A 2018 survey of over 1,000 US adolescents found that young men who strongly identified with male stereotypes were a staggering six times more likely to report harassing girls and bullying other boys. Moreover, they were more prone than other males to binge drinking, risk-taking behavior, and depression.

As these worrying statistics show, when men ignore their feelings, the consequences can be extremely negative. Yet boys are strictly socialized not to acknowledge their feelings.

The process of gender socialization starts at home. Studies consistently show that both mothers and fathers deploy less varied emotional vocabulary and display less empathy when talking with sons than with daughters.

And it continues at school. Psychologist Judy Y. Chu has shown that preschool-aged boys are often still comfortable showing their need for emotional connection with others. By kindergarten, however, most boys have learned to hide that need. And by the age of 14, the majority of boys are afraid that sharing their feelings with their male peers will make them look weak.

The 2018 survey found that girls believed there were “many ways to be a girl.” Boys, on the other hand, reported feeling pressured to be strong, silent, and unemotive. Sometimes this pressure came from adult authority figures – people who discouraged the boys from expressing sadness or frustration by telling them to "man up." Sometimes it came from peers who applied feminized slurs, like "pussy" and "bitch," to boys who did express emotion.

The image of the strong, silent male isn’t something to be celebrated; it’s a toxic gender stereotype that is harming young men.

Early exposure to pornography is shaping boys’ sense of pleasure, arousal, and sexual self-esteem.

People don’t discuss it. People barely even acknowledge it. It’s as taboo as taboo can be – and yet, online, it’s as common as cat gifs.

We’re talking, of course, about pornography.

Hookup culture doesn’t allow for emotional intimacy.

Dating apps, booze-fueled one-night stands, awkward mornings after – today’s teens and young adults have seemingly “swiped right” on hookup culture, a culture that encourages casual sex but frowns on emotional attachment or commitment.

But this culture comes with real costs.

For gay, queer, and trans boys, sexual exploration and expression is still fraught – and that needs to change.

Across the United States, tolerance is trending – particularly when it comes to LGBTQI+ acceptance. In 2004, for example, only 31 percent of surveyed Americans said they supported same-sex marriage. By 2016, that percentage had jumped to 61.

But while tolerance is increasing, it isn’t universal. LGBTQI+ teens are still more likely than their straight peers to be affected by mental-health issues, domestic violence, and sexual assault. What’s more, a lack of openness and education around non-penetrative sex can make it difficult for queer teens to explore and embrace their sexual identity during adolescence.

There is a double standard when it comes to the sexual conduct of white boys and black boys.

From hip-hop to streetwear, black culture is prized by teen boys. But are black teen boys themselves prized in society?

Young black boys face the same struggles with toxic masculinity as their white peers. But the way their blackness is perceived – both by their peers and by society – can further complicate their sexual expression and experiences.

Many adolescent boys aren’t correctly obtaining sexual consent.

The night is young and so are you, and you just want to dance, dance, dance. You've never been to such a good party before. All your best friends are here, and you've had two – or is it three? – stiff drinks. And now, suddenly, an attractive stranger grabs your hand and drags you to the dance floor.

You dance, you talk, you end up going home together. Now what? Well, your answer to this question might depend on your gender.

Boys can be sexually vulnerable, too.

Boys will be boys. Under the cover of this well-worn phrase, boys can get away with just about anything – from pulling girls’ ponytails on the playground to getting into fistfights.

But there’s one thing they can’t get away with: being vulnerable.

Parents and educators need to talk openly and regularly with boys about sex.

It’s hard to know what kind of men today’s boys will grow up to be. After speaking with a broad cross section of adolescent boys, Peggy Orenstein unearthed many positives in contemporary boyhood. Today’s boys are informed about consent, and they’re progressive when it comes to embracing feminism and LGBTQI+ rights. At the same time, they’re taught outmoded ideas about masculinity, socialized to repress their emotions, and exposed to more graphic pornographic content than any generation that came before them. Moreover, they live in a country whose president bragged about “grabbing women by the pussy,” and where a high-profile judge was elected to the Supreme Court after brushing off serious allegations of sexual assault.

How can parents and educators help these boys become good men – men who respect themselves, their sexual partners, and the people around them?

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What is Boys & Sex about?

In Boys & Sex (2020), acclaimed journalist Peggy Orenstein asks young men all about their sex lives – and gets the uncensored answers. Drawing on two years of interviews with young men, academics, psychologists, and sex educators, Orenstein offers an unfiltered yet informed perspective on young men’s relationship to sex, from the pleasurable to the problematic.

Boys & Sex Review

Boys & Sex (2020) is an eye-opening exploration of boys' experiences with sex and relationships in today's society. Here's why this book is worth reading:

Through interviews, research, and personal stories, it uncovers the complexities and pressures that boys face when it comes to sex, providing a nuanced understanding of the topic.
It challenges common stereotypes and expectations surrounding masculinity and offers insights and guidance for parents, educators, and boys themselves to navigate this terrain more effectively.
With its thought-provoking discussions on consent, pornography, and communication, the book sparks important conversations and promotes a healthier, more inclusive understanding of male sexuality.

Who should read Boys & Sex?

Parents who are wondering how to give their teen boys “the talk”
Educators who see firsthand how boys struggle with toxic masculinity
Adolescent boys navigating the complex landscape of sex and relationships

About the Author

Peggy Orenstein is an award-winning journalist, New York Times best-selling author, and expert on gender and sexuality. Her book Girls & Sex broke new ground with its frank examination of the sex lives of contemporary American girls, and her TED talk on girls’ sexual pleasure was a viral sensation.

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