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Zusammenfassung von Negotiating the Nonnegotiable

Name: Negotiating the Nonnegotiable
Rating: 4 (153 reviews)
Author: Daniel Shapiro

Daniel Shapiro

How to Resolve Your Most Emotionally Charged Conflicts

4 (153 Bewertungen)

20 Min.

Themen

Resolving Conflict

Inhaltsübersicht

Negotiating the Nonnegotiable
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What’s in it for me? Learn how to get past your own self-righteousness.

At some point in all of our lives, and probably quite often for many of us, we’ll get into an argument with someone else. It might be a good friend, an acquaintance, a parent or perhaps even the love of your life, but you might suddenly find that you can’t get past the same cycles of disagreement on the same issues, over and over again.

Soon enough, you realize you’ve spent the whole morning, day or even week in a state of anguish and without having made any progress toward a resolution.

So how can we get past the insidious entrapments of interpersonal conflicts, and what do our self-perception and identities have to do with it? Well, as you’ll find out in these blinks, the way we perceive ourselves actually has a key influence on our approach to conflict.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

what constitutes your identity;
how your identity can act as a primary trigger of conflicts; and
what vertigo has to do with arguments.

Quarreling is about more than reason and emotion – identity also plays a central role.

We’ve all had an argument at some point. But to resolve conflicts, we need to understand the complex dynamics at play.

Traditionally, it's believed that two main factors contribute to conflict, namely rationality and emotion.

We generally begin an argument by appealing to rationality. The side of our personalities that appeals to rationality and rational decision making is known as the homo economicus, which, naturally enough, is a concept taken from the field of economics. This concept posits that we act as individuals. We try to maximise our own gains, as well as those which are mutually beneficial, especially when it comes to money or time.

The other factor at play is emotion. Emotions, such as fear, anger or trust, are often irrational but can nevertheless dominate our perception. A good shorthand for this part of our personality is homo emoticus.

However, beyond the two factors of rationality and emotions that are generally cited as the core of conflict, there's a third factor to consider that is often overlooked: identity.

Identities are formed by our self-conception and by our search for meaning in existence. We’re as much homo identicus as we are homo economicus or homo emoticus.

Identity is also the foundation for tribes, which are defined as groups united by similar ideas, values or religious beliefs.

But let’s make this idea more concrete by looking at an experiment, conducted by the author, to show the power of tribe identity in conflicts.

A total of 45 participants were randomly divided into six groups, with each group then being asked a series of questions on a range of themes. What were their opinions on capital punishment, or what did they consider the most important values of each tribe?

After 50 minutes of discussion, the groups had to choose just one tribe out of the six to represent all of them. If they failed to do so, the earth would supposedly be destroyed.

The author repeated this experiment around the world with many different groups, and despite the high imaginary stakes, the earth was only “saved” a handful of times!

It's clear that participants became so wrapped up in their new identities that they preferred to destroy the planet rather than take on the identities of another group. New tribal bonds formed so strongly and so quickly that the conflict simply couldn’t be resolved.

Core and relational identities are critical to understanding conflict.

If you’ve taken a moment to consider it, you've probably already recognized the two constituent parts of your identity.

First, there’s what’s called core identity. These are the characteristics that make you who you are, which can be subdivided into five further elements.

When our identity is threatened, conflict can be caused by the “Tribes Effect.”

We’ve all been there, arguing with someone and feeling utterly sure that our perspective is the correct one. When it seems that nothing can distract us from our absolute certainty, there’s likely one specific factor causing us to think this way; it’s called the Tribes Effect.

The Tribes Effect is a mindset that pits your identity against your opponent’s, leading to a case of “you versus me” or “us versus them.”

Vertigo is a fundamental aspect of the tribal mind, so stay aware of it.

Have you ever been deep in an argument with someone only to notice that half an hour has flown by, even though it only felt like five minutes or so?

This effect is known as vertigo.

Taboos can lead to conflict, so learn how to approach tricky topics.

Pause and have a quick think about your friendships and relationships. Are there any things you just don’t like to discuss with people? There almost certainly are, and it’s likely they would lead to conflict if you did.

These social transgressions are called taboos. Certain groups define their taboos according to feelings, ideas or urges that they deem unacceptable to feel, think or act upon. Consider premarital sex, a prime example of a religious taboo.

Identifying the mythos of identity is certain to help with reconciliation.

Think back to the last time you were quarreling with someone. There’s a good chance you saw yourself as the victim in the situation, and this attitude is caused by what’s known as the mythos of identity.

The mythos of identity refers to the self-written narrative that fixes one’s identity in relation to someone else.

A three-step process can help you work through emotional pain.

Have you ever wanted to exact revenge on someone? It’s an understandable desire, but it’s not worth it. In the end, it won’t solve the deeper pain, and there are more productive ways to deal with anguish.

First of all, it’s important to acknowledge emotional pain – not just the hurt you’re feeling, but also the pain felt by your adversary.

Achieve reconciliation by reconfiguring your relationship.

There may be times when you think a conflict seemingly has no solution, but this is probably because you haven’t yet shifted your perspective and, in doing so, have not reconfigured your relationship to your adversary.

The first step in this process is to identify the identity under threat. Now is the time to take on the mythos of identity we learned about earlier.

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Worum geht es in Negotiating the Nonnegotiable?

Negotiating the Nonnegotiable (2016) offers insights into a new framework that can be applied to solve stubborn conflicts in both our personal and professional lives. The blinks emphasize the importance of the “tribal mind,” while also illustrating how we actively address emotional pain and examining the role of identity in conflict resolution.

Wer Negotiating the Nonnegotiable lesen sollte

Married readers who regularly fight with their partners
Unsatisfied employees who feel at odds with their colleagues or boss
Negotiators who need new ideas for resolving conflicts

Über den Autor

Daniel Shapiro founded the Harvard International Negotiation Program and is an associate professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School. He is also a consultant for Fortune 500 companies and various public institutions, and has created several conflict resolution initiatives in Asia, Europe and the Middle East.

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