What is the main message of Why Are We Yelling??

The main message of Why Are We Yelling? is to develop skills for managing conflicts and improving communication.

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The reading time for Why Are We Yelling? varies. However, the Blinkist summary can be read in just 15 minutes.

Who is the author of Why Are We Yelling??

Buster Benson is the author of Why Are We Yelling?.

Communication Skills

Why Are We Yelling? Book Summary - Why Are We Yelling? Book explained in key points

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Why Are We Yelling? summary

Name: Why Are We Yelling?
Rating: 4.4 (139 reviews)
Author: Buster Benson

Buster Benson

The Art of Productive Disagreement

4.4 (139 ratings)

23 mins

Brief summary

Why Are We Yelling? by Buster Benson explores the art of disagreement and how to have more productive arguments by understanding and embracing different perspectives. It also provides practical techniques for improving communication and reducing conflict.

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Confidence

Table of Contents

Why Are We Yelling?
Summary of 8 key ideas

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Key idea 1 of 8

What’s in it for me? Agree to disagree!

A good argument: it sounds like an oxymoron, but it needn’t be one. From a young age, we’re taught that arguments are bad and disagreements are best avoided. In fact, arguments are only bad when they’re unproductive. Learn to argue well and you’ll soon realize that arguments are a meaningful part of life. They’re red flags that signal something important to us is at stake. They should be engaged with, not shut down. After all, arguments open up crucial communication pathways. Open and respectful argument should be a cornerstone of every successful relationship.

Learn to disagree productively and you’ll see a positive change in your personal and professional relationships. You’ll be less irritated by disagreements and meet them less often. Most importantly, your world will expand as you learn to welcome and appreciate the perspectives of others - even if you don’t always see eye to eye.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

why a simple picture of a bagel sent the internet into a spin;
when to ignore the voices in your head and when to listen up; and
what the game of Battleship has to do with your argument strategy.

Get comfortable with your anxieties.

In March 2019, Twitter user @alekkrautman uploaded a picture that showed a box of bagels sliced vertically like a loaf of bread, rather than horizontally, as is traditional. The internet promptly lost its collective mind. Replies to the viral tweet included “First of all, how dare you” and “Who told you this was okay?”

This disagreement about the correct way to slice a bagel was light-hearted and low-stakes. Still, it’s worth asking: Why did something so simple provoke such a heated response?

The answer is, it created anxiety and anxiety can trigger or exacerbate disagreement.

Anxiety arises when a perspective that’s valuable to us is brought into conflict with a different viewpoint. This anxiety is present in low-stakes disagreements, like whether a bagel is better sliced vertically or horizontally. And it’s present in high-stakes disagreements, like whether to vote for a left-leaning or right-leaning political party.

Anxiety is an unpleasant emotion to experience. That's why, when we experience something angst-inducing, our impulse is to dismiss it or even attack it. That's exactly what many Twitter users did when they saw the offending bagels. But when we refuse to thoughtfully engage with things that trigger our anxiety, we also shut down the possibility for dialogue, understanding and growth. In short, we deny ourselves the opportunity for productive disagreement.

There’s another complicating factor at work here. Our anxieties are unique to us and they come from a myriad of sources. In a disagreement, you and your opponent might be bringing completely different anxieties to the same argument. That’s why it’s helpful to divide argument-triggering anxieties into three broad categories. Anxieties of the head are anxieties to do with information and rational thought. Anxieties of the heart are concerned with emotion. Anxieties of the hands center around what’s useful or practical.

Imagine the parents of a twelve-year-old child. They’ve planned a night out, but their babysitter cancels at the last minute. They can’t agree whether they should leave their child at home or not. One partner says they don’t feel safe leaving their child unsupervised at home. This partner is bringing anxieties of the heart to the discussion. The other partner tries to close the argument by saying that, in their state, it’s perfectly legal to leave a twelve-year-old child home alone. But this tactic appeals to anxieties of the head. It can’t resolve an argument triggered by anxieties of the heart.

In order to disagree productively, we need to cultivate awareness of our own anxieties and what triggers them, and exercise empathy in trying to understand the source of others’ anxieties.

Pay attention to the voices in your head.

Climate change, vaccination, gun control; in 2019, discussion around hot-button topics like these feels increasingly polarized. In public discourse and in private disagreements, the middle ground is in short supply. The culprit? Cognitive dissonance.

Cognitive dissonance occurs when you encounter a belief or behavior that contradicts your own perspective. The further the conflicting perspective is from your own, the greater the cognitive dissonance, and the anxiety you’re likely to feel as a result. That’s when, in an effort to assuage this anxiety, the voices in your head get to work. Broadly speaking, there are four types of voices that kick in during conflict. Let’s look at the highly polarized debate around vaccinations as an example.

We all have biases. Face up to yours!

Imagine you’re at the counter of a gelato shop. You choose chocolate over pistachio, and it tastes delicious. Good call!

Now, you’ve never liked pistachio gelato, so were you biased against it when you made your decision? Yes, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Biases can be useful, helping us conserve our decision-making energy and deal with overwhelming amounts of information. So instead of being paralyzed by the choice between pistachio, chocolate, or one of the many other flavors, you end up with a gelato you really like.

Own your perspective, but don’t speculate about others.

When it comes to our careers, we’re often told to “play to our strengths.'' Well, the same advice applies to the way we approach our disagreements. When we’re arguing, one of our strengths is the way we inhabit and understand our own perspective.

Speculating about our opponent’s perspective, on the other hand, is a weakness. When trying to understand our opponent’s arguments, we have an unfortunate tendency to oversimplify or even demonize their point of view.

Questions are a pathway through disagreements.

Have you ever played Battleship? You and your partner each arrange toy battleships on a grid. You can’t see your partner’s grid and they can’t see yours. The aim of the game is to ask questions that will reveal where your partner’s ships are located.

What do you do when you find their ships? Simple – you sink them.

Choose a strong debate partner for a robust, productive disagreement.

Do you want to win a debate? It’s easy enough to do, with a strategy known as nutpicking. Find the person on the opposing team who has the nuttiest, silliest arguments and then demolish those arguments one by one. Done and dusted!

But when you win an argument in this manner, you’re really losing opportunities for personal growth and interpersonal connection. In short, by nutpicking, you’re squandering the opportunity to have productive disagreement.

Neutral environments facilitate better disagreements.

Think back to your last disagreement. Instead of focusing on the content of the disagreement, try focusing on the space where it took place. Was it inside or outside? In public or in private? Online or offline? Did you feel safe expressing yourself? Do you think others felt safe expressing themselves?

Disagreements don’t take place in vacuums. The spaces where our disagreements occur can seriously influence their outcomes. Imagine a discussion that takes place in a classroom. It’s face to face. There are set classroom rules that all discussion participants abide by, and there’s a teacher present to arbitrate and adjudicate debate.

Ignoring ideas we don’t like doesn’t make them go away.

It’s easy to have productive disagreement when the disagreement in question occurs over something benign, like which restaurant to pick for dinner. It’s less easy, but ultimately rewarding, to engage in productive disagreement over more critical issues, like politics. But when it comes to hot-button issues like euthanasia and gun control, productive disagreement can mean engaging with ideas and positions that we find truly abhorrent. How do we productively engage with ideas that strike us as dangerous or repellent?

When we meet a repellent idea, our first impulse is to shut the discourse down with the voice of avoidance. We don’t want to get involved in debate. We feel it’s irresponsible to give these ideas airtime. We would prefer to pretend that the people who hold these views didn’t exist.

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What is Why Are We Yelling? about?

In Why Are We Yelling? (2019) Buster Benson destigmatizes disagreement. Arguments aren’t bad, says Benson, unless they’re unproductive. What’s more, learning to disagree well can help you strengthen your personal relationships, perform better professionally, and broaden your perspective on the world.

Why Are We Yelling? Review

Why Are We Yelling? (2020) by Buster Benson is an insightful book that explores the art of constructive disagreement and effective communication. Here's why this book is worth reading:

It offers practical strategies to navigate conflict and improve relationships, making it a valuable resource for personal and professional growth.
The book presents a thought-provoking analysis of cognitive biases and social dynamics, shedding light on the reasons behind disagreements and misunderstandings.
With its engaging storytelling and relatable examples, the book manages to make the topic of conflict resolution both informative and entertaining, ensuring it is definitely not boring.

Who should read Why Are We Yelling??

News addicts who feel freaked out about today’s polarized political landscape
Conflict-phobes who would rather do anything other than argue
Frazzled couples who can’t stop rehashing that one tired fight over and over again

About the Author

Buster Benson has over 20 years experience as a product leader at some of Silicon Valley’s most established companies. He has seen firsthand how unproductive disagreement can derail projects and how productive disagreement can boost performance. Now Buster specializes in teaching some of the world’s leading firms how to argue constructively. He’s collaborated with Amazon, Slack, and Twitter, among others.

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