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The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship

How to have happier relationships and stop being drawn to unavailable men

By Natalie Lue
12-minute read
Audio available
The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship by Natalie Lue

The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship (2012) is aimed at women who expect too much from unavailable, unreliable men, and want to change their ways. By examining the reasons that women delude themselves about men, as well as the specific lies they believe, it ultimately points the way toward happier relationships and more realistic dreams.

  • Women tired of kidding themselves about undeserving men
  • Amateur agony aunts who love giving relationship advice
  • Unreliable men willing to mend their ways

Natalie Lue is the author of the hugely popular relationship blog Baggage Reclaim. Born in London and raised in Ireland, Lue has written a number of books, including The No Contact Rule and Mr Unavailable & the Fallback Girl.

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The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship

How to have happier relationships and stop being drawn to unavailable men

By Natalie Lue
  • Read in 12 minutes
  • Audio & text available
  • Contains 7 key ideas
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The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship by Natalie Lue
Synopsis

The Dreamer and the Fantasy Relationship (2012) is aimed at women who expect too much from unavailable, unreliable men, and want to change their ways. By examining the reasons that women delude themselves about men, as well as the specific lies they believe, it ultimately points the way toward happier relationships and more realistic dreams.

Key idea 1 of 7

Certain types of men make it natural for women to fantasize about the future.

You know the type of man. One moment he’s planning a future with you, the next he won’t discuss plans for the weekend. One day he texts you every ten minutes, the next he won’t even open your messages. 

As women, we often blame ourselves for becoming overinvested in these iffy “relationships.” But what else are we to do when the men we’re interested in give out such mixed messages?

When the facts are so unappealing, who can blame us for getting lost in dreams?

The key message is: Certain types of men make it natural for women to fantasize about the future.

These days, lots of men try to enjoy all the benefits of having a girlfriend, without actually committing to a relationship. If this is something that’s happened to you, you’ll probably have noticed that this type of man likes to keep you in limbo for as long as possible – promising great things, but only delivering the bare minimum.

In fact, he has a few tricks up his sleeve to keep you fantasizing. Strategy number one is what the author calls fast forwarding. Instead of taking things slow, gradually working up to greater intimacy, this man takes the opposite tack – he whizzes through the early stages, often over text, and wants to make things sexual before truly getting to know you.

If you’re a natural dreamer, this can be flattering. It’s easy to convince yourself that you’ve inspired some extraordinary passion and that taking things slow is for other, more boring people. More often than not, though, it’s just a ploy, and this “extraordinary passion” doesn’t last long.

That’s where strategy number two comes in. Mr. Unavailable, to give this Romeo a name, also likes to use a tactic called future faking. Every time you begin to get sick of his unreliability, he’ll talk about what you might do next week or next month, dangling some idealized future in front of you like a carrot.

To give him his due, Mr. Unavailable may not even mean to be deceitful. Often, he just speaks recklessly, believing that he’s doing you a favor by saying what you want to hear. But the net result is the same: his grand plans fail to materialize, and you are left disappointed, fantasizing once again.

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