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Name: The Other Significant Others
Rating: 3.8 (116 reviews)
Author: Rhaina Cohen

Rhaina Cohen

Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center

3.8 (116 ratings)

19 mins

Brief summary

The Other Significant Others by Rhaina Cohen examines the essential role of friendships and non-romantic partnerships in our lives, challenging the conventional focus on romantic relationships and highlighting the profound value of these deep connections.

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Skills Social Philosophy Culture Happy

Table of Contents

The Other Significant Others
Summary of 7 key ideas

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Key idea 1 of 7

What’s in it for me? Discover new possibilities for connection.

What if your most important relationship wasn't a romantic one?

Society has taught us to value romantic partnerships over any other type of connection. But there are many forms of relationships that can bring meaning and fulfillment to our lives. This Blink invites you to rethink your assumptions about love, commitment, and family, and to explore the diverse ways we connect with one another.

Through intriguing stories of platonic partners who have built deeply committed lives together, it encourages you to embrace a broader view of what constitutes a meaningful life – and pursue the relationships that matter most to you.

Beyond friendship

Have you ever had a friendship that felt as intense and committed as a romantic partnership? A bond so meaningful that “best friend” didn't seem to capture its depth? Well, such profound platonic relationships aren’t actually unusual, particularly when we look back in history.

For centuries, intimate same-sex friendships, even “wedded” or sworn brotherhood, were common and publicly celebrated. Passionate language, cohabitation, shared finances, and lifelong devotion were normal features of such friendships.

Marriage, in turn, served as an answer to more practical needs. This often meant that friends, as opposed to spouses, were people's primary source of emotional connection. Only in recent decades, have we come to expect spouses to meet our every need – from best friend to lover to life coach.

This leaves far less room for friendships and puts immense pressure on marriages. And while some couples may find marriage deeply fulfilling in all the important areas of their life, still many others find it falls short of their hopes, expectations, and needs.

Meanwhile, having a diverse “relationship portfolio” may lead to greater happiness and less stress. But modern society lacks the rituals, language, and understanding for platonic partnerships that transcend typical friendships.

Take the example of Andrew and Toly, two close friends who have built their lives around each other. They’re roommates, intellectual sparring partners, and collaborate on academic and activist projects. They approach major decisions – from daily routines to career moves – with the other in mind, much like a married couple would. As a result, people often assume they must be romantically involved.

Assuming that commitment must always equal sexual attraction limits our understanding of such deep relationships. It’s time to widen our frame of reference and appreciate the roles that love, commitment, and intimacy play when it comes to friendships that exist outside of sex and romance.

Sex isn’t everything

When two people are very close, we automatically assume they must be having sex – especially if the connection is between a heterosexual man and a heterosexual woman. But this is an extremely limiting view of relationships and sexuality.

Take the example of Stacey and Grace. Having met in college, their bond is characterized by an extraordinary level of emotional attunement, mutual support, and intertwined life choices. They plan vacations together, engage in physical affection like cuddling and even discuss milestones like co-parenting, getting married, and growing old together. But they’re not having sex. In fact, Stacey recently came out as asexual.

Challenging social expectations

One of the interesting, and perhaps exciting, side effects of forging a friendship that defies societal expectations is that it may lead you to question other norms and conventions that are limiting your self-expression. The story of Art and Nick, two Christian youth pastors, provides a poignant example of how reimagining relationships can lead to a deeper sense of autonomy and self-determination.

Art is openly gay and committed to celibacy due to his faith, while Nick is straight. In the beginning of their friendship, Nick struggled with what he now calls "homohysteria" – the fear of being perceived as gay due to his closeness with Art. He worried what others, especially his conservative family, would think of their intimacy. Because of this, he pulled back in moments that seemed "too gay," like going on a trip to Hawaii together.

Friends as family

What happens when friends become family? The story of Natasha and Lynda, two law professors who forged an unconventional parenting partnership, offers another striking example of how reimagining relationships can create new loving, supportive family structures.

When Natasha, a single woman, decided to have a child on her own via sperm donation, her friend and colleague Lynda spontaneously volunteered to be her “birth coach.” Lynda poured herself into supporting Natasha through her pregnancy and the birth of her child, Elaan. The birth was a complicated one; a knot in Elaan’s umbilical cord led to him being born with disabilities. In those early days, Lynda and Elaan formed an unbreakable bond.

Growing older together

What does it take to adapt and thrive in life’s later decades? The story of Inez and Barb, two friends who have shared a home for over 20 years, paints a vivid picture of how deep platonic bonds can provide joy, support, and caregiving in old age.

The two women first clicked on a trip to Washington D.C. in the 1960s, when Inez was escaping an unfulfilling marriage with her two young sons. Barb, unable to have children of her own, quickly bonded with Inez's boys. When Inez later moved to Phoenix for a fresh start, Barb opened her home to the family for six months. Though living separately, they functioned as a family unit, sharing holidays, inside jokes, and the joys and trials of raising kids.

Grieving lost friends

There are many touching books, movies, and stories about the tragedy of losing a long-term romantic partner. But what happens when we lose a profound friendship or it changes form? The story of Joy and her best friend Hannah illuminates the aching, disenfranchised grief that can come from losing a platonic soulmate.

Joy and Hannah had the kind of friendship that defined their adult lives. Geology majors who became besties in college, they were inseparable despite living far apart – until Hannah's devastating cancer diagnosis at age 34. Over the next six years, as Hannah fought ovarian cancer, Joy became her champion and caregiver, joining her for treatment in New York, planning fundraisers, and eventually holding her hand in hospice.

Legalizing friendship

What would the world look like if committed friends had the same rights and responsibilities as spouses? The story of Amelie and Joan, non-romantic life partners who have shaped their lives around their friendship, offers a powerful glimpse into it.

As a longtime LGBTQ activist, Amelie has seen firsthand how the lack of legal recognition for same-sex relationships has led to devastating consequences, like partners being excluded during medical crises. Even after gaining the right to marry, Amelie felt the institution's limits; she wanted to build a life with Joan, whom she considers family, but not as her spouse.

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What is The Other Significant Others about?

The Other Significant Others (2024) challenges conventional relationship wisdom by inviting us to imagine a life centered around friendship rather than romance. Through compelling stories of platonic partners who have built lives together, this thought-provoking work invites us to re-examine our assumptions about love, commitment, and family.

The Other Significant Others Review

The Other Significant Others (2022) explores the roles of our loved ones beyond romantic partners, shedding light on the complexity and richness of modern relationships. Here's why this book is a worthwhile read:

Delving into the dynamics of friendships, colleagueships, and platonic bonds, it offers a refreshing perspective on the various forms of important connections in our lives.
Through personal stories, research findings, and expert insights, the book provides a deeper understanding of the significance of non-romantic relationships.
Its exploration of emotional support, mentorship, and chosen families ensures that every page is filled with intriguing narratives that challenge societal norms and enrich our relational horizons.

Who should read The Other Significant Others?

Readers seeking alternative perspectives on relationships and family structures
Friends who want to build a life together
Single, widowed, or divorced people searching for meaning, love, and connection

About the Author

Rhaina Cohen is an NPR producer and editor, known for her award-winning work on the documentary podcast Embedded. A prolific writer and journalist, Cohen's pieces on social connection have been featured in The Atlantic, The Washington Post, and various prominent podcasts and radio shows. She lives with her husband, friends, and her friends’ children.

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