A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships
Meet Kelly and her troublesome brother, Jeff. Jeff has always been an entitled and manipulative bully, cruel with his words. Their other two siblings have already cut Jeff out of their lives, but Kelly can't. They were always close, and the thought of ending their relationship fills her with guilt.
If you’ve ever had to suffer through a family member's difficult or abusive behavior, then you may relate to Kelly’s struggle. You tell yourself you’re being patient or growing – that it’s just something you have to “deal with.” But it’s more likely you’re trying to tolerate the intolerable, which builds resentment, not patience. Something has to change.
Now, here’s a theme that will come up throughout this Blink, because it is absolutely, unequivocally true. You can’t, in any meaningful way, make somebody else change.
With that in mind, you have two options: you can persevere, or you can change yourself. If you’re reading this Blink, then you’ve probably been persevering for too long. So let’s look at how to change.
Changing a long-standing pattern of behavior isn’t simple, so we’ll break it down into five basic stages.
First, there’s precontemplation. Here, you’re not even aware of the problem; you make excuses or unconsciously hide any evidence of it.
After that is the contemplation stage. This is where Kelly is with her brother. It’s when you start to consider the value of changing. This often comes with guilt, which is completely normal. This is the most common time to enter therapy and talk through the problems.
Next is preparation. You’ll start experimenting with small changes – testing the water to see what’s possible. Kelly might tell her brother that what he said wasn’t OK. It doesn’t have to be consistent or successful, but you’re getting ready for the next stage: action.
In this phase, you accept the responsibility of changing and start doing what’s necessary. We’ll look at some more specific actions later – but basically, you’ll no longer adopt the attitude of a victim. You’ll need support during this time to process your feelings and stick to your decisions as you enter the final stage: maintenance.
This stage is ongoing. You repeat your new actions until they’re habits – and resist the temptation to slide back to how things were.
No matter what stage you’re at, remember one thing: you’re an adult, and you get to decide who you are as a person. So ask yourself now, who do you want to be? Think about a dysfunctional relationship you have with a family member, and make some notes about what stage of change you’re at.
Because that’s how change starts.
Drama Free (2023) is a concise and thoughtful guide to navigating the negatives of one of the most fundamental and unavoidable aspects of our lives: family. Covering a wide range of topics including emotionally absent parents, codependent siblings, substance abuse, and many more, it offers advice on recognizing the patterns of a dysfunctional family, healing from the past, and growing into the full human being you deserve to be.
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Blink 3 von 12 - Eine kurze Geschichte der Menschheit
von Yuval Noah Harari
