Name: Marriage Be Hard
Rating: 3.8 (330 reviews)
Author: Kevin and Melissa Fredericks

What’s in it for me? A guide to communicating effectively with your partner.

Everyone has their picture-perfect view of what a marriage should be like. You might think that because you found your person or married your best friend, you two will know exactly what the other is thinking and feeling at all times. That’s what the Hollywood version of marriage looks like, anyway.

But maybe you’ve found that, despite being in a beautiful union of two people who care for each other, marriage isn’t exactly as smooth and easy as others made it out to be. That’s because marriage takes hard work. And it’s hard work that never really ends.

Too often, we expect an immediate happily-ever-after once we’ve tied the knot. However, this couldn’t be further from the truth. The hard work is just getting started. And the key to this hard work comes down to one thing: communication.

In this Blink to Kevin and Melissa Fredericks’ Marriage Be Hard, we’ll discuss the importance of having “constant, honest conversations” – and dive into the various ways communication is essential for maintaining any healthy relationship.

Marriage Be Hard is organized into twelve different conversations, but in this Blink we’ll cover just three topics – expectations, sex, and marital roles. Anyone in a committed relationship can use these insights to gain a better understanding of how to communicate effectively with their partner.

So with that, let’s get into it!

Expectations can spell trouble

Everyone has expectations when it comes to relationships – and these expectations can have a negative impact if they’re not communicated properly.

What kind of expectations are we talking about, exactly? Well, if you took the more traditional approach of not living together before tying the knot, for instance, you’re in for a surprise: dating and marriage are two different things. We typically find ourselves on our best behavior when we date – but marriage is a whole different story. When you and your partner are finally living together, you’ll get a crash-course in all of their vulnerabilities and quirks.

If you don’t clearly communicate with your partner, you might end up expecting one thing while they expect another. This is especially true if you and your partner aren’t necessarily compatible – which Kevin and Melissa Fredericks say isn’t required in a relationship.

Opposites attract – or so the saying goes, right? Maybe you have a Type A personality, and your partner is Type B. Or you like going out and they like staying in. Or you like dressing up, and they like wearing casual and comfy clothes.

Prioritizing time to check in with your partner is what will help you continue to build and maintain your relationship. There are three important questions that you should discuss with your partner when it comes to checking in on expectations:

First, Were there any assumptions that you brought into your marriage or relationship?

Second, Has your marriage or relationship lived up to your expectations?

And third, What about your marriage or relationship is better than you thought it would be?

While it differs for everybody, a couple of the most common expectations people have revolve around sex and marital roles. We’ll discuss each of those in more detail in the next sections.

Communicating sexual desires.

Sex. There’s a lot to talk about – in fact, it’s probably one of the relationship areas that requires the most communication. That’s because our wants and needs are often drastically different from our partners’. And if you don't discuss these things, how will you know each other's desires? These kinds of conversations are tough and can seem awkward at first, but it's important to have them all the same.

Many individuals, including Melissa and Kevin, are raised with a stigma around sex. In their case, they knew they wanted to wait until marriage to have sex. But their conversation had always been focused on that part – they’d never been told what to do after they were married. This created a lot of unhealthy expectations on the individual level, and as a couple.

Fulfilling marital roles

Having expectations on marital roles – or the roles each person fulfills in a relationship – without having an open discussion about them can be damaging.

Traditional marital roles portray women as the ones who stay home and take care of the house and kids while the husband goes out and works. These roles have become a little more equal in modern times, but many people still live with the expectation that they already know who will do what and where.

Final Summary

We all have expectations about what we want out of marriage, which are often informed by what we’ve experienced or been taught in the past. But expectations can have a detrimental impact on marriage, especially when it comes to sex and marital roles. Expressing your feelings, and talking about your expectations on a continual basis, is critical in maintaining a healthy relationship.

After all, marriage isn’t easy work. Just because you married your best friend, the person you love the most, does not mean you two will know what the other is always thinking. Constant communication is the key to staying in touch with each other – and with reality.