The Kindness Method Book Summary - The Kindness Method Book explained in key points

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The Kindness Method summary

Name: The Kindness Method
Rating: 4.4 (227 reviews)
Author: Shahroo Izadi

Shahroo Izadi

Changing Habits for Good Using Self-Compassion and Understanding

4.4 (227 ratings)

19 mins

Brief summary

The Kindness Method by Shahroo Izadi is a guide to breaking bad habits and focusing on self-appreciation. It empowers readers to avoid shame-based thinking and make empowering choices.

Topics

Routines & Habits

Table of Contents

The Kindness Method
Summary of 7 key ideas

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Key idea 1 of 7

What’s in it for me? Cultivate self-compassion as a tool for sustaining positive change.

Have you ever tried to change something about yourself, only to fall back into your usual routine a few weeks later? Maybe you wanted to stop drinking, but couldn’t pass up a happy hour with your friends. Or maybe you were ready for a career change, only to find yourself in the same job years later. Many of us now have access to the best self-help books, health gurus, and weight loss programs. So why is it so hard to create lasting change?

These blinks reveal how you can tackle any behavioral change by focusing on self-compassion and understanding. Using simple exercises, you’ll learn how to beat old habits and sustain new ones once and for all.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

why you should avoid labeling your unwanted habits as “bad”;
what people who successfully enact behavioral change have in common; and
what addiction therapy can teach you about changing any behavior.

Self-compassion is integral to lasting change.

Having tried diet fads, health camps, and weight loss coaches, the author, Shahroo Izadi, was an expert when it came to losing weight. She just wasn’t good at keeping it off.

Whenever the number on the scale crept back up, she would fluctuate between periods of self-imposed starvation and unhealthy binge-eating. She sought to punish herself for her perceived weakness and confined herself at home until she felt thin enough to be “worthy” of social engagement. And when she did achieve her goal weight, her satisfaction never lasted more than a few days.

After a lifetime of struggling with low self-esteem, she had an epiphany: Maybe her struggle with weight had more to do with her overall self-image than with the weight itself.

The key message here is: Self-compassion is integral to lasting change.

After a painful breakup, Shahroo gained more than 90 pounds. The result was a major hit to her self-esteem, and yet another period of feeling like she had no social worth due to her appearance. This time, she felt that she needed to see a counselor in addition to her usual routine of extreme dieting and exercise.

Having believed that the weight itself was her biggest problem, she was surprised when her counselor posed a simple question: What would happen if you never lost the weight?

At first, the suggestion filled Shahroo with rage. How could she be happy without being thin? But after a few days, she started to notice other overweight people around her. Surely she didn’t think that they should ostracize themselves because of their extra pounds? She became acutely aware of the gap between her expectations for herself and her expectations of others.

With this in mind, she decided to try an experiment. Instead of waiting until she looked the way she wanted to, she would treat herself with the same kindness as if she had already achieved her goal weight.

To her surprise, by being kind to herself even on days when she didn’t reach her weight loss goals, she began to lose weight more quickly than she ever had before. And beyond that, her new self-compassion had a positive impact on every aspect of her life.

Lasting change requires a judgment-free process.

As a therapist in addiction recovery, Shahroo got a call from a friend asking for advice. The friend was dating a man who was years into recovering from alcoholism. She wondered if she should be concerned that he continued to attend daily support-group meetings.

To Shahroo, the answer was a no-brainer. People who continue to secure their well-being after having recovered from a history of addiction are doing better than well. They’re likely to possess self-awareness and coping skills far greater than the average person trying to quit a habit or start a new one.

Map out your positive qualities and accomplishments.

If you’ve ever made a plan to change something about yourself, you know that your motivation often wanes. Without systems in place to hold us accountable, it doesn’t take long for us to give up on our plans altogether. Even worse, failing to change our behaviors can make us think that we just don’t have what it takes to change at all.

In reality, all of us already possess positive qualities and achievements that serve as evidence of our capacity to accomplish things. But we tend to forget this in our darkest moments. That’s why the first step in the Kindness Method has nothing to do with the habit you want to change. Instead, it’s about cultivating self-compassion by gaining an appreciation for what you’ve already accomplished.

Identify what has and hasn’t worked for you in the past.

When it comes to change, what works for one person might not work for the next. Shahroo found that one thing her most successful clients had in common was dedicating time to understanding their individual patterns. By doing so, they were able to create a plan that worked for them, helping them to achieve and maintain their goals in the long run.

Successful change, Shahroo discovered, was less about “finding yourself” than meeting yourself where you already are.

Identify the habits you want to change and how they emerged.

We tend to think of habits that we want to eliminate as bad. But in most cases, we adopted these habits to serve us in some capacity. For example, many people drink alcohol because it gives them self-confidence in social situations.

When we label certain habits as “bad,” we’re more likely to let our self-criticism spiral. This undermines our intention to change the habit that we’re unhappy with. Instead of viewing our current behavior as a weakness, it’s important to view it in light of the bigger picture.

Tracking your triggers can help you overcome them.

In an earlier blink you learned how to identify what worked and didn’t work in your previous attempts to achieve behavioral change. But there are often external factors that may lead you astray if you’re not aware of them early in the process.

Most people fall victim to certain triggers, such as hunger or stress. But whether you are anxious about your finances, an upcoming deadline, or pressure from a relationship, keep in mind that there will never be the ideal time to transform yourself. What’s more, by identifying your stressors, you can attempt to learn coping strategies that will improve your daily life and ensure that the stress doesn’t affect the changes you want to make for the long term.

Create a realistic plan with incremental goals.

Now that you’ve created detailed maps tracing where you are, where you want to go, and the possible obstacles, shortcomings, or solutions on the road to getting there, it’s finally time to create a plan.

The first thing you’ll want to do is set a date to review your progress. By setting a date in your calendar, you’ll keep yourself accountable for your progress and have dedicated time to tweak your plan with more challenging goals. To start, try setting a review reminder for every three weeks.

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What is The Kindness Method about?

The Kindness Method (2019) approaches the practice of habit-forming by cultivating self-compassion and understanding. Using practical exercises based on the author’s experience as an addiction recovery therapist as well as on her personal journey with self-image and weight loss, it provides the guidance necessary to create and sustain change.

Best quote from The Kindness Method

The Kindness Method is not the plan itself, but rather the guidance required to create, action and sustain a realistic plan.

—Shahroo Izadi

Who should read The Kindness Method?

People who want to beat drug or alcohol addiction
Anyone who wants to lose weight – and keep off the pounds
Professionals trying to establish good habits for a career change

About the Author

Shahroo Izadi is a Behavioral Change Specialist with a practice that focuses on self-compassion and self-awareness. She’s also a relapse prevention coach at Amy’s Place, a recovery house for women, and has delivered sold-out workshops to people who want to create or change any habit. Her work has been featured in various media outlets such as BBC Radio 1, The Telegraph, and The Pool.

Categories with The Kindness Method

Personal Development

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