Name: The Argument Hangover
Rating: 4.6 (306 reviews)
Author: Jocelyn Freeman and Aaron Freeman

What’s in it for me? Learn how conflict with a partner can strengthen your bond.

You’ve probably experienced it before – that horrible period of unease that seems to always follow a fight. Sometimes it almost feels worse than the actual fight itself, because it can stretch on for days at a time. You’re sad, your partner is sad, and you're not quite sure how to get out of it. That right there is an “argument hangover.”

Every couple fights. And, understandably, most people think of conflict as a bad thing. But the truth is, conflict with your partner isn’t necessarily negative.

Jocelyn and Aaron Freeman realized long ago that they could learn from their conflicts, and emerge stronger and closer than ever. In this Blink to The Argument Hangover, you’ll discover their secret.

We can’t promise that you’ll come out of this looking forward to your next fight with your partner – that would be kind of strange. But with luck, we’ll help you turn that fight into a force for good, preventing argument hangovers long into the future.

After a fight, your argument hangover lingers until you and your partner reconnect emotionally.

Imagine you get home one evening and sit down on the couch with your partner. Immediately, they say, “Hey. I went through our credit card bills today. I was shocked at how much you’ve been spending!”

You bristle. “What?!” you reply. Maybe you’ve had to spend more recently for a reason your partner knows about – a faulty car, a few extra medical bills. Maybe you got a bonus recently and have had more money to spend. Maybe you’ve been telling your partner all this and feel they haven’t been listening. Maybe you simply don’t agree that you’ve been spending more.

“And besides,” you think (and end up actually saying) – “I earn more than you anyway, so I can spend it however I want.”

“Oh, that’s great,” your partner says. “Where have I heard that before? Oh yes, from your parents!”

Sound familiar? But here’s a question: How does it feel afterward, when the dust has settled? Do you apologize? When? And does your partner believe you when you do? How long is it before things are really back to normal?

That period – between a fight and its real, emotional resolution – is the argument hangover. And just like a hangover from alcohol or food, it feels terrible.

But unlike that sort of hangover, which is objectively bad, an argument hangover is an opportunity to strengthen your bond – and so is the original argument that caused it.

You’ll still want your argument hangover to be nice and short, though. In fact, you might be thinking it’d be better not to argue at all. Shouldn’t this Blink really be about how to avoid conflict altogether?

You’ve probably heard the phrase “pick your battles” – it’s routinely offered to newlyweds as a way to keep relationships harmonious. But it’s actually a pretty terrible way to build a partnership. It basically means you don’t communicate to your partner when something annoys or angers you, causing resentment to build up over time.

That’s not healthy! And it means that problems never get resolved. Can you imagine walking on eggshells around your partner for the rest of your life? Is it really a good idea to spend literal decades avoiding the topic of how to stack the dishwasher because you’re afraid of conflict?

Conflict is a good and healthy thing, and the argument hangovers that follow can be brief and constructive, too – if they’re handled right.

If you’re able to work through an argument hangover quickly, conflict can actually be a good thing.

What is conflict, anyway? Because there are two sides to it, a lot of people can get kind of competitive in a fight – they think it’s something you either win or lose. That’s why you might try to have the last word or score that killer point that shuts your partner up.

But there’s a much more basic definition of conflict, which is better for both of you. Conflict is simply when you and your partner have different opinions. You think you can do one thing with your finances, for instance, and your partner thinks something else.

Before you fight, learn what triggers you – and come up with a game plan.

Conflict is all about the heat of the moment. So if you want to fight better, you need to make sure you’ve put in the work beforehand. This section is all about how you and your partner should prepare yourselves well in advance of fighting, so that you’re ready for an argument whenever one flares up.

Let’s begin with a question that might sound strange at first: What comes out when you squeeze an orange?

During a fight, speak clearly and show understanding.

So how should you act during a fight? Just because you now understand what triggers you doesn’t mean you’ll manage to avoid conflict altogether – that’s unrealistic. The next thing you need to do is work out how to cope when you and your partner do end up on the verge of conflict.

Here’s a real example from Jocelyn and Aaron. They were entertaining a friend one evening, who asked the inevitable question: “When are you going to have kids?”

After a fight, aim for a short and constructive argument hangover by working through the five Rs.

OK, so now we come to it. You’ve been trying your best to follow all this advice, but it’s happened – you’ve had a fight. And now you’re feeling the aftereffects, as if you were knocking back shots all last night. In other words, you’re feeling one heck of an argument hangover.

So you say one simple word: “Sorry.”

Key ideas in The Argument Hangover