Name: Love More, Fight Less
Rating: 3.9 (215 reviews)
Author: Gina Senarighi

What’s in it for me? Improve your communication skills and your relationship.

All couples have conflicts. But only a few of them are equipped with the communication skills to effectively and lovingly support each other during those tough times.

The truth is, some of us never learned effective communication habits. And if we did, even skilled communicators can still struggle with it in their most intimate relationships. No matter what kind of couple you are – married, dating, complicated, straight, gay, lesbian, high-conflict, low-conflict, whatever – this Blink will show you new communication techniques and even refresh some old ones in order to improve your relationship.

Senarighi’s book details 30 skills and shows how to use them in 29 different scenarios. In this Blink, we will focus on issues in three of the most common trouble areas for couples – sex, money, and in-laws. In the process, we will learn about more than 10 communication skills and how to develop them.

So, with that, let’s get started!

Tips for Success and Self-Awareness

Before diving deep into issues about sex and money and the skills needed to solve them, here are a few quick tips to start us off.

First, it’s important to remember that in order to learn new communication skills and effectively implement them in your relationship, both partners have to be committed to the process and willing to make some changes. Even though this Blink is meant to be consumed quickly, the work needed to develop and use the new learned skills will take time. It will require practice and patience.

Next, avoiding limiting judgments will also help you get the most out of this material. For example, it may seem like you and your partner have already tried using one of these techniques, but it didn’t work. Or maybe you can’t believe the solution can be so simple. But even if you’ve tried something once, you might be in a better place to make it work now. And having a skill doesn’t mean you can’t learn more nuances. Even the simplest skills in the smallest of moments can make the biggest difference in our most important relationships.

Finally, while dealing with sensitive issues it’s crucial always to make sure to preemptively recognize and then actively calm any distress. People get upset during conflict. It’s unavoidable. Reactions range from shouting in anger to totally shutting down. The good news is, we can feel that distress in our bodies and use that signal to interrupt it before our emotions sabotage any possible resolution. To do this, draw or write out a recent situation in which you felt upset. As you’re reliving this scenario, make a note about where in your body you felt tense, sweaty, or any other physical discomfort to help you recognize distress. The next time you feel that discomfort coming on, take a break to calm this distress. Soothe yourself by closing your eyes and breathing slowly, walking outside, journaling, or whatever else calms you. And be compassionate with yourself. You are not your emotions. Take time to calm down, then revisit the issue with your partner.

Talking about Sex

Let’s start this section off with an example.

Andrew and Megan are thriving in a lot of ways. They both earned promotions within the last year, and they just closed on a house in their dream neighborhood. They’ve been together for five years and remain great friends, but Megan’s sex drive has slowed down since her promotion and the increase in responsibilities and hours. The couple thought things might return to normal after a few months, but nothing has changed, and Andrew is getting frustrated that his romantic efforts have been seemingly ignored.

Money Matters

Here’s another scenario.

Chris is careful with his money. He sticks to a budget, saves for retirement, and has a nearly perfect credit score. His boyfriend, Jason, is a different story. He has a tendency to overspend and lives paycheck to paycheck. Since they moved in together, the two of them have been bickering about household spending and saving for a shared future.

Dinner at the In-Laws

Here’s one final example.

Emily and Zoe often have issues when they take their kids to Emily’s parents’ house for Sunday dinner. Emily’s brothers and their wives are usually there, too, along with their kids, and the house is loud and chaotic. Plus, Emily’s parents and brothers all drink, which increases the volume and adds a little more discomfort for Zoe. She grew up with a quiet single mom who never drank, and she gets overwhelmed by Emily’s family, who are loving but loud about it. By the time they get home from Sunday dinners, Emily and Zoe regularly wind up in their bedroom arguing behind a closed door so the kids don’t hear.

Final Summary

Conflict happens in every relationship. Healthy couples have the communication skills needed to effectively handle those conflicts with love and compassion.

It’s okay if you both came into the relationship with very different ideas about how to communicate. New, constructive skills can be learned with practice and patience, and they can replace old destructive habits. It’s possible to have calm and productive conversations around sensitive topics like sex, money, and family, even when there’s conflict involved. It’s even possible to have a healthy relationship with unresolvable issues, as long as you and your partner can communicate about it with kindness and understanding.

Key ideas in Love More, Fight Less