Say What They Can't Unhear Book Summary - Say What They Can't Unhear Book explained in key points

Listen to the Intro

00:00

Say What They Can't Unhear summary

Name: Say What They Can't Unhear
Author: Tamsen Webster

Tamsen Webster

The 9 Principles of Lasting Change

17 mins

Brief summary

Say What They Can't Unhear by Tamsen Webster guides us in crafting compelling messages that stick, helping us to persuade and inspire our audiences by aligning our ideas with their beliefs and motivations.

Topics

Success Presentations & Public Speaking Leadership Career Progress

Table of Contents

Say What They Can't Unhear
Summary of 9 key ideas

Audio & text in the Blinkist app

Key idea 1 of 9

What’s in it for me? Learn how to inspire meaningful and lasting change.

Do you struggle to attain positive change within your workplace, community or even your own life? You think your case for change is solid and compelling but somehow it doesn’t land with your audience. True transformation seems out of reach, no matter how hard you try.

There’s a reason for this; it comes down to how the human mind works. People cling to familiar patterns, even if they’re harmful, because they feel safe. New ideas or behaviors threaten that comfort zone, often triggering resistance. And this makes change feel overwhelming or impossible. But as a changemaker, there are strategies you can use to overcome this deep psychological resistance and make people more receptive to your vision.

In this Blink, you’ll learn how the nine principles of lasting change can help you bypass the mental roadblocks that cause resistance. You’ll also discover how to spark real, lasting transformation in yourself and others by creating moments that truly resonate. So, let’s jump straight into the first principle.

Successful change depends on how people react, not just the action itself

In 1847, Ignaz Semmelweis observed that women in a maternity ward were dying at an alarming rate. Doctors were moving from autopsies to delivering babies without washing their hands, unknowingly spreading deadly infections. When Semmelweis introduced handwashing, mortality rates dropped. But his colleagues rejected the idea, feeling blamed and attacked. And once they stopped the practice, death rates soared again. Years later, Florence Nightingale promoted handwashing during the Crimean War, framing it as a way to combat “bad air.” Unlike Semmelweis, she didn’t blame the doctors, and they accepted the change, saving lives.

This example demonstrates the first principle of lasting change: change isn’t just an action; it’s a reaction. If people feel attacked or manipulated, they’ll resist – even if the change benefits them. Semmelweis’s direct approach triggered defensiveness, while Nightingale’s framing resonated with the doctors’ beliefs, making the change easier to accept.

For change to last, it must align with someone’s values. If people sense the change serves your interests more than theirs, they’ll push back. This resistance, or “reactance,” happens when people feel forced, threatening their sense of autonomy.

To avoid this, present the change in a way that aligns with what people care about. Show them how it benefits them without attacking their beliefs. When the change feels like a natural extension of their choices, they’re more likely to embrace it, just as Nightingale’s doctors did.

Every decision is driven by an internal story

Think about the last time you went to IKEA. Like most people, you probably had a plan about what you wanted to buy, but ended up purchasing things you didn’t need. How did that happen? It’s because every decision has a story – the second principle of lasting change. You see, no choice is completely rational, even when it feels like it. Your brain builds a narrative to justify the decision, often connecting it to beliefs or assumptions you may not even realize you have. You tell yourself, “If I get this vase, my house will look better,” and that story drives your actions.

Such stories feel logical, even though they’re not purely rational. They’re built on unconscious beliefs about which actions will create desired outcomes. Once your brain accepts the internal story, you act based on it. The challenge comes when the assumptions behind these stories aren’t clear. If a change doesn’t align with someone’s internal story, it won’t make sense to them, and they’ll resist it.

Understanding the core beliefs of others is the key to persuasion

Imagine you’ve invented a new carbon capture technology. Now it’s time to pitch it to an investor. You believe the world is beautiful and needs protection, so your argument rests on that belief. If the investor shares this view, your pitch makes sense. But if they see the world differently, your argument falls apart. This demonstrates the third principle: principles set patterns. People’s deep-seated beliefs guide how they interpret the world, shaping their decisions and actions. If your argument is based on assumptions they don’t share, they simply won’t agree with it, no matter how logical it may seem.

Stephen Covey’s idea of principles as “natural laws” helps explain this. Covey says principles are as real and constant as gravity. People act according to these core beliefs because, to them, they represent unchangeable truths. Just as someone responds to gravity without thinking, they act in line with their principles, often unconsciously. If you present an argument that contradicts their principles, it’s like trying to convince them gravity doesn’t exist – it won’t work. Until you align your message with their core beliefs, they won’t see things your way.

Encourage openness to new ideas by respecting identity

A Fortune 500 company once ran into trouble with its sales approach. Initially, its method worked well for bringing in new clients by challenging their decisions and assumptions, which helped show the value of the company’s insights. But there was a problem once these clients were on board. Salespeople continued to question their clients on every decision, making them feel disrespected and overlooked. Clients felt their expertise weren’t being recognized, leading to frustration. This exposed a larger issue: the company’s approach didn’t change as the client relationship evolved, giving clients the impression that their professional identity and knowledge were being dismissed.

You see, identity is the strongest influence on people’s decisions – the fourth principle. People tend to act based on how they view themselves. Everyone wants to feel competent, knowledgeable, and valued, and when this self-image is supported, it builds trust. If someone feels their sense of self is being questioned, they resist, even if the advice is well-intended. Criticizing someone’s past choices can feel like an attack on their character, damaging the relationship.

Find common ground to encourage productive dialogue

Picture a heated town meeting where parents and educators argue about changes to school funding. The debate quickly turns personal and divisive until a local teacher steps up. Instead of diving into the political back-and-forth, the teacher refocuses the conversation on shared values like quality education and equal opportunities. By doing this, the teacher shifts the tone from conflict to productive dialogue.

This story highlights the fifth principle: the deepest beliefs are the hardest to shift. People’s long-held beliefs become deeply connected to their sense of identity, making direct challenges ineffective. Confronting these beliefs often leads to defensive reactions, blocking any real progress. But while some beliefs may stand in the way of change, there are often stronger alternatives that can be leveraged to support it.

Small, painless steps make lasting change more achievable

Imagine you’re trying to cut back on your favorite sugary drink. It’s your escape, a comforting ritual you enjoy multiple times a day. After hearing from your doctor that it’s time to reduce your sugar intake, you decide to quit cold turkey. At first, you push through the cravings, but soon enough, the temptation becomes too much. You give in and find yourself back at square one, drinking the same sugary drink and feeling frustrated.

The reason this happens is that pain is the enemy of long-term change – the sixth principle. It’s not just the sugar you miss – it’s the experience attached to it. When a change feels too painful, it disrupts not only your habits but also your sense of self, making it hard to sustain. This is why drastic, all-or-nothing approaches rarely work. You’re more likely to return to old behaviors that feel easier and less disruptive.

The strongest belief shapes the path to change

Pretend you love the idea of a beautifully styled bed, with layers of pillows and throws. It gives you a sense of luxury. But as your busy life unfolds, keeping up with that look becomes unrealistic. You have to choose between the aesthetic you adore and something more practical. In the end, you opt for a simpler setup – a linen duvet and a couple of pillows. Suddenly, making the bed becomes effortless. This decision reflects the seventh principle: when two truths fight, only one wins.

When two beliefs or values come into conflict, it creates a discomfort known as cognitive dissonance. To ease that discomfort, your brain quickly chooses the belief that feels most in line with who you are. This process often happens subconsciously, but it’s essential for making lasting changes. When two truths are in opposition, only one can come out on top.

Effective change begins with understanding true desire

A startup making autonomous robots for farmers discovered a key lesson when its initial product, full of advanced features like AI-assisted mapping and resource planning, didn’t gain traction. The problem wasn’t with the technology – it was that the farmers had no need for all the extras. The additional features increased costs and made the robots more difficult to operate, missing what the farmers really wanted: simplicity and ease of use. This ties directly to the eighth principle: you can’t want it more than they do.

The idea behind this principle is straightforward. Change only happens when what you’re offering matches what the other person already desires. If someone doesn’t want what you’re proposing, no amount of enthusiasm will change their mind. Pushing harder won’t convince them – it might actually drive them away.

People don’t regret decisions that align with beliefs

You’re browsing online, and a sleek new smartphone catches your eye. It promises cutting-edge features and a design you’ve been looking for. Without hesitating, you click “Buy,” excited to get your hands on it. But soon after, doubt creeps in: Did I really need it? That feeling of uncertainty is buyer’s remorse. It happens when you’re unsure whether your decision matches what you truly value. Think about a time when you purchased something that aligned with your beliefs, like a product supporting a cause you care about. Even if it didn’t meet all your expectations, you didn’t regret it. Why? Because there’s no such thing as believer’s remorse, the ninth principle.

When a choice fits with your core values, you won’t doubt or question it later, even if the outcome isn’t perfect. To help others embrace change, you need to make sure it connects with what they already believe and want. Problems arise when the new idea feels disconnected from their existing values. If it seems too unfamiliar or risky, they’ll resist it. That’s why it’s important to link the new idea to something they already understand and care about.

Want to see all full key ideas from Say What They Can't Unhear?

Key ideas in Say What They Can't Unhear

More knowledge in less time

Read or listen

Get the key ideas from nonfiction bestsellers in minutes, not hours.

Find your next read

Get book lists curated by experts and personalized recommendations.

Shortcasts ^New

We’ve teamed up with podcast creators to bring you key insights from podcasts.

What is Say What They Can't Unhear about?

Say What They Can’t Unhear (2024) provides a fresh approach to driving lasting change by leveraging ethical persuasion and behavioral insights. It explores nine “persuasion principles” that help transform passive agreement into passionate buy-in, inspiring long-term shifts in thinking and behavior.

Who should read Say What They Can't Unhear?

Business leaders seeking to inspire lasting organizational change
Managers aiming to guide teams through transitions
Entrepreneurs needing strategies to influence customer behavior

About the Author

Tamsen Webster is a strategist and expert in change communication with over two decades of experience helping leaders create impactful messages that drive lasting transformation. She’s worked with organizations such as Harvard Medical School and TEDxCambridge. She’s also the author of the best-selling book Find Your Red Thread, which offers practical strategies for making big ideas irresistible.

Categories with Say What They Can't Unhear

Career & Success Personal Development Communication Skills Management & Leadership

Book summaries like Say What They Can't Unhear

Team

David Allen

Getting Things Done with Others

Unlocking Deeper Learning Through the Science of Failing

The Evolution of Human Sexuality

Exploring Myths that Shape our Identity and Reality

Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, and Feeling Guilty... . and Start Speaking Up, Saying No, and Unapologetically Being Yourself

19 min

4.3

The Way of the Superior Man

David Deida

A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire

Learn to Read a 200+ Page Book in 1 Hour

The Keys to Success and Long-Term Fulfillment

Philosophical Insights on Death

4 min

4.1

The Art of Witty Banter

Patrick King

Be Clever, Quick, and Magnetic

Create the Change You Want by Changing the Way You Think

Six Steps to Unlock Your True Motivation, Harness Your Willpower, and Get Out of Your Own Way

16 min

4.0

Millennial Money Makeover

Conor Richardson

Escape Debt, Save for Your Future, and Live the Rich Life Now

25 min

4.3

What Kind of Creatures Are We?

Noam Chomsky

A deep exploration of human nature, language, and consciousness

How to See What Others Miss

17 min

4.2

Working with Emotional Intelligence

Daniel Goleman

The Crucial Role of EQ in the Workplace

18 min

4.3

A Beginner's Guide to the Stock Market

Matthew R Kratter

Everything You Need to Start Making Money Today

19 min

4.1

The Art of Explanation

Ros Atkins

How to Communicate with Clarity and Confidence

23 min

4.2

How to Talk to Anyone

Leil Lowndes

92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships

The Entrepreneur's Guild to Building an Unstoppable Team

18 min

Anatomy of Desire

Dr. Emily Jamea

Five Secrets to Create Connection and Cultivate Passion

20 min

4.1

How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids

Carla Naumburg

A Practical Guide to Becoming a Calmer, Happier Parent

An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones

When Medicine Gets It Wrong, and What It Means for Our Health

18 min

4.4

The Leader's Guide to Mindfulness

Audrey Tang

How to Use Soft Skills to Get Hard Results

Simple Principles for an Extraordinary Life

Secrets for Commanding Attention and Getting Results

16 min

4.3

Habits of a Peacemaker

Steven T. Collis

10 Habits to Turn Toxic Conversations Into Healthy Dialogues

18 min

4.6

The Skills-Powered Organization

Ravin Jesuthasan

The Journey to the Next-Generation Enterprise

17 min

4.2

The Art of War (new version)

Sun Tzu

Classic military strategy for politics, business, and everyday life

How Today's Biggest Trends Will Collide and Reshape the Future of Everything

27 min

4.2

The 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership

Jim Dethmer

A New Paradigm for Sustainable Success

One small step toward understanding the greatness of the universe

Bringing Values to Life at Work

14 min

3.7

Children of Ash and Elm

Neil Price

A History of the Vikings

The Tactics, Routines and Habits of Billionaires, Icons and World-Class Performers

Use Storytelling to Engage, Inspire, and Share Your Message

20 min

4.3

The New Strategist

Günter Müller-Stewens

Shape Your Organization and Stay Ahead of Change

24 min

4.0

How to Think Like Leonardo da Vinci

Michael J. Gelb

Seven Steps to Genius Every Day

How to Create Uncontested Market Space and Make the Competition Irrelevant

Harness Your Mindset to Thrive on Cold, Dark, or Difficult Days

18 min

3.8

The Sublime Object of Ideology

Slavoj Zizek

Uncover the Hidden Forces Shaping Ideology and Human Perception

17 min

4.4

The Great Mental Models, Volume 4

The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free

18 min

The Art of Persuasion

Bob Burg

Winning Without Intimidation

Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion

Be a Kickass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity

The secret methods to getting what you want

The Fight to Master Our Greatest Opponent

22 min

4.4

The Success Principles

Jack Canfield

How to Get from Where You Are to Where You Want to Be

19 min

4.4

People ❤️ Blinkist

Sven O.

It's highly addictive to get core insights on personally relevant topics without repetition or triviality. Added to that the apps ability to suggest kindred interests opens up a foundation of knowledge.

Thi Viet Quynh N.

Great app. Good selection of book summaries you can read or listen to while commuting. Instead of scrolling through your social media news feed, this is a much better way to spend your spare time in my opinion.

Jonathan A.

Life changing. The concept of being able to grasp a book's main point in such a short time truly opens multiple opportunities to grow every area of your life at a faster rate.

Renee D.

Great app. Addicting. Perfect for wait times, morning coffee, evening before bed. Extremely well written, thorough, easy to use.