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Zusammenfassung von Unlocking Parental Intelligence

Name: Unlocking Parental Intelligence
Rating: 4.4 (241 reviews)
Author: Laurie Hollman

Laurie Hollman

Finding Meaning in Your Child's Behavior

4.4 (241 Bewertungen)

23 Min.

Kurz zusammengefasst

Unlocking Parental Intelligence by Laurie Hollman is a guidebook for parents to understand and connect with their children on a deeper level. It provides tips and insights to encourage healthy communication and emotional intelligence in family relationships.

Themen

Erziehung und Heranwachsen

Inhaltsübersicht

Unlocking Parental Intelligence
in 8 Kernaussagen verstehen

Audio & Text in der Blinkist App

Kernaussage 1 von 8

What’s in it for me? Learn how to foster open dialogue and create close bonds with your children.

Parenting can often feel like a puzzle – especially when kids keep acting up.

We may have been taught that to spare the rod is to spoil the child, but punishments aren’t actually the most effective way of dealing with so-called misbehavior. Instead, try to think of that tantrum or poor choice simply as a behavior. Then you can start the intriguing and rewarding detective work of figuring out why children behave the way they do – and why you react the way you do.

In these blinks, you’ll discover how to understand children’s behavior and respond in a way that strengthens rather than frays your relationship. Implementing the five steps of Parental Intelligence will steer you toward a more peaceful and enjoyable relationship with your children.

In these blinks, you’ll learn

that infants can feel and store grief;
why a perfectly sensible teenager might suddenly flaunt a rebel persona; and
how to seek clues to your children’s actions in your own past.

Reflecting on the meaning behind your child’s behavior will lead to rich rewards.

Imagine your daughter comes up to you one evening and wants to show you something she did. “Please don’t be mad,” she says. You tense up immediately, fearful of what her next words will be.

In the case of 13-year-old Olivia, “something” turned out to be a regrettable lip ring.

Learning that your teenager pierced her lip without your permission is the sort of situation for which a parent could be forgiven for losing her temper. But in this case, Olivia’s mother, Delia, didn’t lash out with anger and punishment. Instead, noticing how upset her daughter looked, Delia told Olivia not to worry. She could simply take out the ring and let nature do its job, and the hole would close up.

Olivia’s mother employed the tenets of Parental Intelligence.

The key message here is: Reflecting on the meaning behind your child’s behavior will lead to rich rewards.

The major premise behind Parental Intelligence is that a child’s behavior always has a meaning – often more than one. In situations where a child is acting in a way that’s upsetting for parents, the best thing to do is step back and focus on the psychological reality of what’s happening.

What does this mean exactly? Instead of reacting with anger or frustration, you can instead think about what is prompting your child’s behavior. This will calm you down and yield clues that might solve even bigger family problems. A more mellow response has another benefit: your child will feel more comfortable confiding in you.

Creating this distance and keeping your child in mind is a key principle of Parental Intelligence. Learning how to practice this behavior is sort of like learning how to dance. When you learn choreography, you begin to move your body differently and teach yourself new patterns of movement. In the same way, you can learn how to maneuver alongside your child in a productive – even beautiful – way.

Reflection helped Delia understand that Olivia didn’t get a lip ring just to upset her; she did it because she was experimenting with her self-image and trying to be independent. Because Delia understood this motivation, she was able to stay calm. This gained Olivia’s trust and confidence, which benefited both mother and daughter for years to come.

To break ineffective response patterns like punishment, approach behaviors with an open mind.

Is it easy to stay calm when our kids test our limits? Of course not! Delia could have easily reacted to her daughter’s unauthorized body piercing with a sharp outburst.

But just as our children’s behaviors have meanings, so do ours. When Delia looked within her own history for clues about why she became so upset whenever Olivia dressed or socialized a certain way, she realized the roots of her protectiveness.

The five steps of Parental Intelligence

Every behavior carries a meaning. Children don’t simply act out to act out; they’re looking for understanding and acceptance. However, the meanings are not just attached to children’s behavior. Our reactions as parents also have root causes and meanings that we must interpret if we are to parent effectively. We can unlock these meanings with a five-step process.

First, learn to step back.

The first step in Parental Intelligence is to step back from an emotional situation and think.

When Mrs. Daver, a highly educated and successful woman, turned 39, she suddenly yearned for a child. Though her husband wasn’t as enthusiastic about the prospect, the couple adopted Ted at birth. Ted took to his new mother, but he cried often and never seemed fully content. By the time Ted was eight months old, Mr. Daver had begun to feel that life with an infant was not what he had expected. He mentioned divorce. To make matters worse, the nanny, who Ted loved, resigned.

That’s when Ted’s tantrums began. Mr. Daver reacted by putting Ted in ten-minute time-outs. When Mrs. Daver checked on Ted during these time-outs, she would find the two-year-old sitting immobile and terrified on his bed. The family was falling apart, and something needed to change.

The second step in Parental Intelligence involves self-reflection.

When Lidia, a maternity nurse, stepped into Claudia and Cole’s home, she found the place in disarray. Laundry and dishes were piled up everywhere. The teen couple had recently become parents to a baby girl called Lara, and Claudia was exhausted.

In the first few months of parenthood, Claudia and Cole had struggled with their new roles. Claudia found it hard to soothe and feed Lara. She constantly worried that she was a bad mother with a difficult baby.

The third step of parental intelligence is to understand the child’s mind.

Leslie had been an organized, tidy child – until she turned 15. As a teenager, she became increasingly sullen and spent hours sleeping in her messy room. At first, her mother, Ceci, reacted with frustration and punishments.

But she began to wonder whether Leslie’s behavior had something to do with missing her absent father, who had disappointed her by promising to attend events and then not showing up. When Leslie confirmed that this was the case, Ceci promised to speak with Leslie’s father and encourage him to be more present.

Deciphering your child’s current stage of development will yield clues about his behavior.

Remember that sweet preschooler who sat on your lap, willingly did errands, and snuggled up to watch cartoons with you? It probably came as a shock when, all of a sudden, he transformed into someone who muttered monosyllables and spent most of his time in his room.

We’re all familiar with the stereotypes that hover around the notorious teenager – but every age comes with its own set of challenges.

Once you’ve stepped back, self-reflected, and understood your child, it’s time to problem-solve.

Eight-year-old Cathie couldn’t seem to sit still or get to the school bus on time. Lia and Dale, her firm but loving parents, were at their wits’ end.

But when Cathie was diagnosed with ADHD, the family came up with solutions like playdates and a dance class to help with Cathie’s self-esteem and socializing. To accommodate her restlessness, they set a ten-minute alarm on a clock that allowed their daughter breaks from sitting still and doing homework.

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Worum geht es in Unlocking Parental Intelligence?

Unlocking Parental Intelligence (2015) explores childrens’ complicated behavior with a fresh mental toolbox to decipher why kids act the way they do. It outlines a five-step process with relatable case studies to help parents connect more deeply with their children, as well as anticipate their needs and actions.

Bestes Zitat aus Unlocking Parental Intelligence

Misbehavior carries a message. Its not a solo act. It is an invitation for understanding.

—Laurie Hollman

Wer Unlocking Parental Intelligence lesen sollte

Parents of infants, young children, or teenagers
Grandparents and caregivers struggling with difficult situations
Soon-to-be parents who want to be prepared

Über den Autor

Laurie Hollman, PhD is a psychoanalyst who specializes in infant-parent, child, adolescent, and adult psychotherapy. She’s written best-selling books such as The Busy Parent’s Guide to Managing Exhaustion in Children and Teens and The Busy Parent’s Guide to Managing Technology in Children and Teens.

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