What is the main message of Selfless?

The main message of Selfless is about the power of empathy and how it can positively impact our lives.

How long does it take to read Selfless?

The reading time for Selfless varies depending on the reader's speed. However, the Blinkist summary can be read in just 15 minutes.

Who is the author of Selfless?

Brian Lowery is the author of Selfless.

Society & Culture

Selfless Book Summary - Selfless Book explained in key points

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Selfless summary

Name: Selfless
Rating: 4.2 (33 reviews)
Author: Brian Lowery

Brian Lowery

The Social Creation of “You”

4.2 (33 ratings)

19 mins

Brief summary

Selfless by Brian Lowery is a timely book that examines the impact of individualism on society. It offers a prescription for change, advocating for a shift towards more collective and community-focused values.

Topics

Social Philosophy Personality Culture The Internet

Table of Contents

Selfless
Summary of 7 key ideas

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Key idea 1 of 7

What’s in it for me? Understand your self.

Ever experienced being acutely aware of your selfhood? Perhaps you were swinging alone in a quiet playground, or lounging on the beach during golden hour. In that moment, maybe you stopped and wondered, Who is feeling these sensations and conjuring these thoughts?

Well, that’s your little self at work. Think of it as a puppeteer, directing the strings that are your actions and feelings. It’s something within you that you know makes you different from other people. But the million-dollar question is, What is the self?

There’s certainly no totally definitive answer. But in this Blink, you’ll discover a meaningful notion of the self that was coined by Stanford psychologist Brian Lowery. According to him, the self isn’t something you’re born with – it’s something that’s built from the relationships you make throughout your life.

OK, let’s dive in.

The self

What is the self? Well, Austrian psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud defined it as a part of you linked to pleasure and urges. American sociologist Charles Cooley, on the other hand, came up with the term looking-glass self – in his mind, the self is dependent on how you think people perceive you. Then there’s the cultural definition that revolves around the idea of people being born with a self or destined to be one self or another.

But Brian Lowery claims that the self is actually something that’s created rather than inherent. It isn’t a predetermined entity – it’s a unique construct that emerges from relationships and social interactions.

All day, every day, you encounter different people from all walks of life. They include your close relationships like family and friends, your wider community, and even strangers you meet on the streets. Each of these connections influences and shapes who you are – no matter how brief or long the interaction. This unique blend of relationships you form and interactions you experience are exactly what makes you a unique self. In other words, you have a distinct self because you have a distinct combination of relationships and interactions.

The concept of the self as a social creation counters the idea that the body or the brain is the self. When your body changes, your self doesn’t necessarily change along with it. You can still be you even if you’ve grown your hair long or developed a few wrinkles on your face. When your body – and in parallel, your brain – dies, your self doesn’t immediately follow suit either: you live on through the relationships you’ve formed. The remarkable part is that you can form relationships even after your physical death, thanks to legacies like influential contributions and acts of kindness you’ve left behind. As long as your relationships and the impact you’ve made remain alive, your self is alive.

The concept of the self as a social construct also rebuffs the idea that the self embodies your core beliefs and moral values. Maybe you would define your self as generous or respectful, or honest or humble – and you know in your heart that this is who you are. But these values aren’t innate to you. They’re also transmitted through your relationships. Your understanding of right and wrong is directly influenced by the people in your life.

So, how exactly do all these societal factors affect your self? That’s what we’ll get into in the next sections.

How close relationships shape the self

Tell me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are.

You’re probably tired of hearing this adage, but there’s an undeniable truth embedded within the saying – particularly when it comes to the development of your sense of self. The close connections you forge with others really do play a significant role in molding who you become. This isn’t really a surprise, considering how much time you spend around certain people. It’s from them that you learn about the world, how to treat people, how to behave, and how to navigate society.

How the community shapes the self

As much as you might want to live your life as a hermit, you can’t escape the fact that you’re tangled up in communities. You’re part of a community as small as your local neighborhood and as big as an ethnicity. No matter the size, they all play a role in shaping your self just as much as your close relationships do.

Communities – also known as social groups – can include associations with things like gender, race, citizenship, or even a fanbase of a music genre. Within these larger groups, you can find subgroups that come with distinct characteristics, expectations, and norms.

How nation-states shape the self

It’s no secret that social groups like gender and race have a massive impact on your sense of self. But probably the biggest social group that shapes you is the nation-state itself. Whether or not you’re fully aware of it, the country you reside in rules many different aspects of your life – which affects how your self came to be and will continue to develop.

First and foremost, the nation-state is responsible for defining what’s right and wrong. It creates laws that regulate rewardable and punishable acts, and get integrated into society’s values and moral belief systems. What society thinks is right and wrong shapes your self to some extent.

How technology shapes the self

Let’s talk about technology. It may not be as visible or tangible as our close relationships, or the communities and countries we belong to – but technology wields its influence on our identities in clever, often subtle ways.

For one, technology expands our social groups. Gone are the days when the relationships you form are constrained to the areas you can physically visit. With technology, you can build meaningful relationships with people across the globe without having to leave your bed. You can learn about their culture, lifestyle, and even morality – all by clicking a couple of buttons on a screen.

Characteristics of the self

We know that the self is made up of our many relationships and communities, right? It makes sense, then, that these connections give rise to two prominent characteristics of the self: First, it’s subject to change. And second, it can have multiple identities.

Let’s start with the changing self. Contrary to popular belief, the self isn’t a fixed entity. It transforms during big shifts – like when society changes, when you form new relationships, and when you leave old ones.

Your self and the search for freedom

Besides money and love, there’s one other thing that most humans long for: freedom. You want to be able to do what you want, be who you want, and live your life to the fullest without any restrictions whatsoever. But in the framework of the self as a collection of relationships, longing for freedom is actually ironic.

When you think you’re lacking freedom, it’s often because someone or something is stopping you from doing what you want. This might be people in power using their influence to curtail your actions. Or it could be people who manipulate you into doing things you didn’t intend to do. Oftentimes, it’s your existing relationships that require some sort of obligation from you.

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What is Selfless about?

Selfless (2023) explores the concept of the self as an entity formed by relationships and society in general. It tackles the roles of family, social groups, the country, and technology in shaping the self.

Selfless Review

Selfless (2022) by Brian Lowery is a thought-provoking book that explores the power of selflessness in our lives. Here's why this book is worth reading:

Unveiling the benefits of selflessness for personal growth and relationships, it challenges conventional wisdom and provides a fresh perspective.
The book offers compelling case studies and real-life examples that demonstrate the positive impact selflessness can have on individuals and communities.
Through its engaging storytelling and insightful analysis, Selfless inspires readers to embrace selflessness as a path to meaning and fulfillment.

Who should read Selfless?

Social psychology enthusiasts
Anyone interested in the idea of the self as a social creation
People looking to understand themselves and others better

About the Author

Brian Lowery is a social psychologist, Stanford University professor, writer, and podcast host. He has coauthored multiple journal articles, including “Self-Essentialist Reasoning Underlies the Similarity-Attraction Effect” and “Gender Backlash and the Moderating Role of Shared Racial Group Membership.” Selfless is his first book.

Categories with Selfless

Society & Culture Psychology

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