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Zusammenfassung von The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

Name: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
Rating: 4.3 (277 reviews)
Author: John M. Gottman and Nan Silver

John M. Gottman and Nan Silver

A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert

4.3 (277 Bewertungen)

20 Min.

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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
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What’s in it for me? Discover the keys to a happy marriage.

As much as we all want to live in perfect relationships, few of us are in a completely stress-free set-up with zero tension, conflict or problems. In fact, if you’re married or in a relationship, chances are it can be improved.

Enter relationships expert John M. Gottman. He’s been working with and researching couples for years, and has compiled a list of the fundamental problems that every marriage faces – and their solutions. These blinks explain each one of his seven fundamental principles and discuss ways in which you can avoid becoming another unhappy statistic.

After reading these blinks, you’ll know

how one couple eliminated marriage stress by waking up ten minutes earlier every day;
how to talk to your mother-in-law; and
why boring conversations are the secret to successful marriages.

Principle One: Functioning couples have a richly detailed love map.

If you have a husband or wife, you’ll likely be wise to plenty of special, private or sensitive information about them. But did you know this information is actually stored in our minds in a love map?

The more developed your love map, the stronger your love.

In several recorded cases of divorce, partners weren’t actually that familiar with each other; they didn’t dedicate enough space in their brain for the marriage. With no love map, you can’t fully know your partner, and without really knowing your partner, how can you truly love them?

Take the example of Rory, a pediatrician who ran an intensive care unit for babies. Being a workaholic, he often slept at the hospital overnight. At work he got along well, but his homelife was a different story. He didn’t know the family dog’s name or where his house’s back door was. In fact, he had become so tangled up in work that his emotional connection to his wife and children had deteriorated. His love map left a lot to be desired.

It’s important to be aware of your love map because it contains your own and your partner’s aspirations and life philosophies. But it can change. Having a baby can radically alter a woman’s life purpose or direction, and thus change her love map.

Take Maggie and Ken, who had been together only a little while before they chose to marry and start a family. They were aware of each others’ beliefs, hopes and fears; Ken understood that Maggie was dedicated to her career as a computer scientist. However, when Maggie gave birth to her daughter, she put her career aside in order to stay home and look after the baby. Ken saw that his wife had changed.

This is not unusual; becoming a parent changes your values and identity. Maggie’s love map had changed to fit her new priorities, and Ken had to realign his own love map accordingly.

Principle Two: If a couple has a fondness and admiration system, their marriage is salvageable.

If your marriage is on the rocks how do you know if it’s salvageable? The key is to assess your feelings when you both think of the past you’ve shared together.

To see if a couple still have what is known as a fondness and admiration system – where both partners share a sense of respect and appreciation toward one another – ask them how they see their history.

Principle Three: During brief and seemingly trivial chitchats, couples turn toward one another.

Here’s an intriguing truth about marriage – no matter how dull they seem, the important moments in a marriage are the daily conversations you have with your spouse.

In marriage, spouses frequently make “bids” for their partner’s attention, affection, humor and support.

Principle Four: Partners should let each other influence their decisions by taking each others’ opinions and feelings into account.

We all value fairness and equality in society, and marriage is no different. These qualities greatly influence the arguments and discussions you have with your spouse.

For instance, if husbands don’t demonstrate honor and respect to their wives, other gender conflicts can be exacerbated.

Principle Five: There are two kinds of marital conflicts – solvable and perpetual problems.

It’s no secret that conflicts happen in every marriage. But even if they happen frequently, you can still clear them up easily and save yourself some stress.

Solvable problems in a marriage are minor problems that can result in excessive tension and pain.

Principle Six: When you feel gridlocked because of a problem that can’t be solved, you have to learn to cope with it.

Now you know what kinds of conflicts can weasel their way into your marriage, but what do you do if you think they’re unsolvable and you feel trapped?

In these cases, you need to get out of gridlock, which is that feeling of being caged by the same problems that come up over and over again. The aim of this is not to eradicate the problem, but to convert it into a dialogue.

Principle Seven: You don’t have to agree on what is meaningful about your lives together.

“Birds of feather flock together.” Hmmmm, not quite! You can take joy in a long-lasting marriage even if you and your partner see life very differently, but you still need to share things with one another.

Marriage has a spiritual aspect to it, and for that to develop you must build a sense of shared meaning. It’s extremely difficult to live harmoniously together without being familiar with each others’ values.

There are various signs which indicate divorce is likely.

Ever had a sneaking suspicion that your friend’s marriage was doomed? Could you pin down why you got this feeling? Well, there are many factors that can indicate that a marriage is heading for the rocks.

Four of the largest indicators, which the author labels “the four horsemen of the apocalypse,” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.

Typical marital challenges which can be solved are in-laws or a new baby.

There are plenty of naysayers when it comes to the concept of lasting marriage. But let’s examine the two most frequent conflicts that marriages face, which are thankfully solvable.

The first conflict is true for many: your relationship with in-laws can wreak havoc on your relationship because both sides seem to fight for the love of the same person.

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Worum geht es in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work?

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (1999) draws on data from relationship studies and interviews to do exactly what it promises in its title. These blinks take you through the key changes you can make to overcome the common problems that damage relationships and build a supportive, romantic marriage.

Bestes Zitat aus The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

The more you can imbue your relationship with the spirit of thanksgiving and the graceful presence of praise, the more meaningful and fulfilling your lives together will be.

—John M. Gottman and Nan Silver

Wer The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work lesen sollte

Couples who want to get the best out of their romantic relationship
Newlyweds who want a harmonious, long-lasting marriage
Anyone going through or considering divorce

Über den Autor

John M. Gottman is a psychology professor at the University of Washington and co-founder and co-director of the Seattle Marital and Family Institute. His research into romantic couples has spanned 40 years and he has earned several prestigious academic awards for his work.

Nan Silver is a blogger, journalist and a New York Times-bestselling author. She has also been editor-in-chief of Health and a contributing editor at Parents magazine.

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