What It Takes to Heal summary

Hemphill sat across from a mother who had lost her son to police violence. This mother had turned her grief into activism, tirelessly leading marches and publicly telling her story. But over time, her productivity became a mask for her pain. That unacknowledged pain began to metastasize, and fellow activists began to view her as testy, rigid, and hard to be around. Gradually, she opened up. Hemphill gave her the space to simply be – they bore witness to the mother’s grief and reminded her that there was still life beyond her loss.

Trauma lurks in the shadows of our lives, shaping our behaviors and relationships in ways we often don’t recognize. At its core, trauma is a physiological experience that lives in our bodies long after the initial threat has passed. It can result from experiences of neglect, abuse, or oppression, as well as catastrophic events. Our nervous systems remain on high alert, affecting how we interact with the world around us.

Hemphill rediscovered how to cry around the age of twenty-seven. Growing up, crying was not tolerated in their family. So they learned to suppress their tears. It wasn’t until a therapy session in their adulthood that they realized this was a coping mechanism to avoid feeling hurt. And it came at a cost: Hemphill had never truly acknowledged their pain and was carrying it within them instead. 

After this revelation, they decided to take action. Inspired by a conversation with friends about sad songs, Hemphill created a playlist of the saddest songs they knew, and booked a private hot tub session. With headphones on, they allowed themself to cry, letting the tears flow freely. This experience was transformative. They felt lighter, emotionally and physically, as if a weight had been lifted. This practice of setting aside time to cry became a regular part of their routine, helping them release pent-up emotions and reconnect with their body.

The first spring after moving to rural North Carolina, Hemphill’s modest gardening hobby turned into a consuming passion. They spent their days planting seeds, weeding, and harvesting. This work proved challenging, but it also taught them many lessons. The garden became a reflection of the process of social change: starting with a vision but requiring consistent, often challenging, work to turn ideas into reality.

To make meaningful change, then, we need to get our hands dirty. Healing our individual traumas is one piece of the puzzle, but we also must address the broader cultural issues that give rise to those traumas in the first place. 

Being a middle child often means feeling a bit out of place. They often see a version of their parents that’s in-between – parents who are a little tired, not as striving as they were for the older kids, but not yet as permissive and applauding as they will be for the younger ones. This feeling of not quite fitting in can lead to a lifelong quest for belonging.

As Hemphill grew older, their sense of belonging in their own family became ever more tenuous. In a church environment that condemned homosexuality, Hemphill experienced fear and rejection, culminating in them being sent to a conversion therapist. This experience instilled a deep sense of shame and rage, reinforcing the belief that being true to themself meant losing the possibility of belonging. This struggle underscored the critical need for acceptance, and the cruelty of its denial.

Imagine a narrow ledge, two hundred feet long, leading to a boulder wedged in a cliff high above a canyon. This treacherous path is where the author found themself, paralyzed by fear, during a hike with their partner, Kasha. As their knees shook and their body threatened to collapse, Kasha looked back and said, “Become bigger than the fear.” This moment encapsulated an important message: that courage isn’t about conquering fear, but making room for it while pursuing what matters most.

Fear has become a pervasive force in modern American culture, driving political polarization and narrowing the connections viewed as possible. Political polarization stems from a deep, pervasive fear that builds walls both within and around us. These barriers create a sense of isolation and division, intensifying fear and leading to escalating conversations and defensive behavior. But what if it were possible to face this fear head-on, and transform it into something more powerful?