How to be Love(d) summary

In books and movies, love is often the end. The girl gets the boy, the family is reunited, the best friends finally get married. These are happy endings, sure, but they still leave people with nowhere to go. Love is viewed as the ultimate goal. But then what?

In real life, too, we’ve come to treat love like it’s the finish line of a race. To be honest, that’s how we treat most things related to our happiness. Once we can get over this imagined finish line – whether that’s landing our dream job or finding a partner – we think we’ll finally be happy. And if we’re not there yet, we tell ourselves it’s because we still haven’t done enough. Or worse, because we still aren’t enough. Psychologist Robert Holden calls this “destination addiction.”

But love, like happiness, isn’t a destination; it’s a path. Once you start “doing” love instead of chasing it down, you’ll realize that it’s everywhere around you. 

There’s “Small L” love like our love for ice cream or football games. And then there’s “Big L” love like our love for our grandma’s wrinkly hands or our partner’s silly laugh.

It’s important to distinguish the two because you don’t want to mistake one for the other. Small L love is like a delicious little treat. It’s all about pleasure and immediate gratification and it doesn’t take a lot of effort to acquire. But Big L love is the nutritious meal that everyone is hungry for. It’s the kind of love that feels deep and life-changing, and that gives you peace and connection. 

Big L love is what you should aim for in your relationships with yourself, your family, and your partner. But Big L love is no “happily ever after.” It’s more of a “happily continuing to work on it.” Big L love takes regular, deliberate, and ongoing effort to sustain.

For example, it requires honest communication with yourself and others. What do you really want? How can you meet your needs? And how can your partner help meet them? Don’t wait for your partner to stumble upon the answer – that just leads to frustration and resentment. If you love someone, tell them how you want to be loved.

And more importantly: make a conscious effort to love your partner how they want to be loved. Because you’ll only feel as much love as you give.