The Relationship Cure summary

A wife asking her husband to get her a cup of coffee doesn’t seem like the stuff of great relationship drama. But put yourself in the position of the wife for a moment. Imagine that instead of saying “Sure, honey,” your husband responded by snapping, “Go get it yourself.” 

Do you feel the difference? The first scenario reveals a nice domestic interaction – the sort of thing you’d witness in a loving home. The second is more like something you’d see in a playback reel called “Why We Got a Divorce.” 

“How’s your day going? Do you have any plans this evening?” These aren’t exactly profound questions. In fact, they might seem like mere “small talk.” And yet, as bids to establish an emotional connection with someone, each can play a crucial role in strengthening or weakening that relationship. 

The reason these questions are so important is that there’s more to them than meets the eye.

So far, we’ve focused on some of the more straightforward bids that people might throw your way. Sure, there are hidden messages behind questions like “It’s a bit chilly in here, don’t you think?” But you don’t exactly need a PhD in psychology to decipher them. The hidden messages aren’t that hidden. 

If only all bids were that simple, relationships would be easy to navigate. But, in reality, bids are often difficult to respond to. In fact, they often don’t seem like bids at all. 

As we’ve seen, bids are often muddled expressions of unmet emotional needs and desires, which may be unclear even to the people expressing them. Perhaps that psychology PhD would be useful after all!

But short of enrolling in a grad-school program, you can still give yourself a major leg up in interpreting other people’s bids – you just need a better understanding of their emotional makeup. 

Let’s recap what we’ve learned so far. First, simple interactions between people are often bids for emotional connection. Second, these bids often contain hidden messages. And third, these underlying meanings are often shaped by a person’s emotional heritage and past relationships. 

If you remember this and try to learn more about the important people in your life, you’ll become better at responding to their bids in constructive ways. 

The initial bid and bid-response that kick off the first rounds of emotional communication between two people are a bit like the beginnings of a friendly game of tennis. You can think of them as the serve and return volley. If either player mishits this first shot, the game could come to a sudden halt. But if they’re successful, the action is just getting started. 

The key message here is: If you get your initial bid and bid-response right, you give yourself more opportunity for connection. 

“Uh-oh,” you might be thinking. “Does this mean I have to accept every lunch invitation that comes my way? It sounds like if I decline a bid, or even just fail to pick up on one, I’ll be potentially damaging my relationships and pushing people away from me.” 

Don’t worry. The situation is far less extreme than that. Fortunately, you can still turn toward other people’s bids and build connections with them while at the same time declining the requests you’re unwilling, unable, or simply uninterested in accepting. It all comes down to how you respond. 

Think back to your most recent interactions with the people in your life. Did you turn toward, away from, or against someone’s bid? 

Whatever your response, don’t lose too much sleep over it. Whether you react to a bid positively or negatively, a one-off exchange won’t save or destroy your relationship. Relationships get built up or worn down over time, through many bids and bid-responses.