How to Think More About Sex summary

If we’re lucky, we’re born into an environment in which we experience a brief period of unconditional love and devoted affection.

But nothing lasts forever. Soon enough, the blissful moment ends, and we find ourselves cut adrift from this loving, protective harbor. That’s when the problems begin.

All this talk of isolation and taboos might seem somewhat grim, but don’t worry – there’s good news too!

Sex lets us embrace who we really are and what we truly desire. And such self-acceptance is a great foundation for more honest, trusting relationships.

Physical attraction is often seen as a shallow affair. We’re taught that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover and that personality trumps looks. But we’ve already seen that, for evolutionary reasons, we’re biologically hardwired to find some traits especially attractive. So it shouldn’t come as a surprise that attraction is also connected to deeper psychological factors.

Like biologically determined drives, our psychological drives are often hidden beneath the surface.

The word “fetish” instantly conjures up images of things like leatherware, masks and chains. But fetishes aren’t necessarily extreme. In fact, we’re all fetishists of one stripe or another, even if our particular turn-ons are sometimes of the “milder” variety.

Trying to understand one’s fetishes is a great way of deciphering what one’s unconscious is up to. And coming to grips with one’s unconscious drives has a definite benefit: it tends to alleviate feelings of sexual deviancy.

What’s more important when it comes to making a relationship work, love or sex? We’re often tempted to rank one need higher than the other, but that’s a mistake.

Attraction is normally the product of two divergent and conflicting forces – the desire for love and the desire for sex.

We’ve already seen that attraction frequently signifies a deeper understanding of another person’s non-physical attributes. But that’s not how we should see rejection, if only for the sake of our own sanity.

Rejection is painful. It feels like a confirmation of our preexisting sense of isolation. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

In a perfect world, every long-term relationship would guarantee frequent sex and immunity from rejection. Unfortunately, we don’t live in an ideal world. Long-standing relationships are as likely to be defined by infrequent sex and rejection as the lives of singles.

Even worse, the pain this causes can be more intense when we’re in a relationship.

Sex and everyday life aren’t the best bedfellows. Once we choose to share our domestic life with a sexual partner, tension arises between these two separate realms. That can cause problems.

That’s because sex conflicts with domesticity.

We spend so much time with our partner that, over time, that person’s role changes in our eyes. Where we once saw a lover, we now see a family member. Domesticity can sap sexual desire and make our partner seem as ordinary, practical and unsexy as the desk at which we do our taxes.

But, however much they might seem like them sometimes, our partners aren’t our parents.

The flames of passion sometimes die down. But that doesn’t mean we have to move house and find a new fireplace. Even smoldering ashes can be rekindled. Here are some tips on how to get the sparks flying.

One option is to open up the relationship by throwing another log on the fire.

Vast amounts of pornography are consumed around the world every day. That’s a problem. Every minute spent watching porn is a minute that might have been better spent raising children, painting a masterpiece or simply cleaning out the attic.

Pornography distracts us from our plans and aspirations. When we consume porn, we’re undercutting our ability to handle forms of suffering that we need to be able to endure in order to lead a normal life. Like drugs and alcohol, it dilutes our tolerance of anxiety, worry and boredom.

Adultery isn’t widely admired – at least, not openly. It’s usually thought of as being “wrong.” But many of those who consider it a vice would surely be lying if they claimed not to find the idea of cheating incredibly thrilling.

And infidelity isn’t necessarily “wrong.”