Eight Dates summary

All couples fight. In fact, fighting can be a therapeutic and even healthy way for couples to express their differences and learn more about each other. Research shows that the happiest couples are the ones who can handle conflict, listen to their partner and try to understand their point of view. But if done wrong, fighting can exacerbate unstable relationships and lead to incidents that cause irreconcilable breakups.

To help make sure your relationship doesn’t go down that road, go on date number two. This date is all about addressing conflict. Before going on it, you should identify potential areas of conflict in your relationship.

When it comes to talking about the “birds and the bees,” most couples run into trouble. In fact, a minority of couples talk openly about sex. This is unfortunate, as even the mere act of talking about sex can lead to better sex. Research shows that couples that discuss their sex life openly have more sex than those who don’t. And the women in these couples have more frequent orgasms.

But for many couples, particularly those who come from different backgrounds, the next date on our list might cause some difficulty. Take one couple, Katya and Ethan. Katya grew up in a family that openly discussed sex, but Ethan says that his father would’ve passed out if he heard the word “vagina.” Coming from these very different backgrounds meant that talking about sex was difficult for them. But by using the questions provided by the authors, Ethan and Katya went on a successful sex and intimacy date. They were able to discuss what they liked and didn’t like about their sex life.

Before the 1960s, men worked while women took care of the household, an old-fashioned and sexist configuration. Despite significant shifts in the last decades, the division of labor in a partnership still presents a problem.

Work doesn’t just refer to a paid profession. Non-paid work around the house would cost approximately $90,000 per year if you hired someone to do it for you. What’s more, a 2007 Pew Research study found that sharing housework was the third most important element of a long-lasting marriage, right after being faithful to one’s partner and a healthy sex life.

One topic that can be a real deal-breaker for a couple is whether or not to have children. This can also be a bank-breaker. Raising a child to age 18 in the United States costs on average $233,610.

But the potential problems of raising a child don’t stop there. John Gottman, one of the authors, observed a 67 percent drop in marital happiness in couples who had a child within four years of getting married. And this marital happiness doesn’t come back until after the child has left the nest – if the parents haven’t already divorced by this point. So, what sort of recommendations can prospective or current parents follow if they want to avoid this?

When was the last time you and your partner went on an adventure? Or simply acted a bit silly together? If you’re finding it hard to remember, it’s probably time for you to introduce a bit of play into your relationship. The importance of having fun with your partner cannot be overstated. Sadly, in today’s world of long work hours and stressful family demands, play often finds itself at the bottom of our to-do lists.

If this sounds familiar, consider how you might cultivate joy in your relationship. Howard Markman, director of the University of Denver’s Centre for Marital and Family Studies, has been studying the fun that couples have since 1996. For him, the numbers speak for themselves – couples that play and laugh regularly are happier couples.

Some say change is good. Others say that change is necessary. In relationships, change is simply inevitable. We change, our partners change and our relationships change. Some relationships end due to irreconcilable differences in goals or personalities. But the strongest couples are those which accommodate each person’s changes and allow these changes to help them grow as a couple.

Take Erica and Jake. Erica decided to give up her high-paying marketing job at a big tech firm to achieve her dream of becoming a painter. Jake supported her every step of the way, as he knew how important it was to her. Their money dried up, and they had to downsize their apartment. They gave up basic amenities like cable television. But at every step of the journey, they talked about the changes happening around them, and they continued to support each other through these life-changing decisions. In Erica’s words – they have the “best life ever.” They might not have money, but they have meaning, and they have each other.

Everyone has dreams, but a lot of us don’t find the time to pursue them. Modern life can make it hard to align a family, full-time job and dreams. But that’s where having a partner comes in. Partners should always help each other achieve their individual dreams, even if that means sacrificing their own. Sometimes you have to put your dreams on hold while helping your partner achieve theirs. They will do the same for you when the time comes.

This is exactly what Doug and Rachel did. During the early days of their relationship, they were inseparable and totally in love. But Doug had a dream – he wanted to go to Israel for a year to explore his roots. While initially sad, Rachel knew she couldn’t stand in the way of Doug’s dreams. So she encouraged him to go.