Fight Right summary

Intimacy inevitably leads to conflict. Since conflict is all but unavoidable, couples should learn to manage it well and even leverage it as an opportunity for greater connection – in other words, it's crucial to learn how to “fight right.”

A lack of conflict is not the goal. Low levels of conflict or an absence of it don't indicate a healthy relationship. Couples that don’t fight often skirt pressing issues that need to be addressed, deal with simmering unspoken resentment and tension, and frequently grow emotionally distant as a byproduct of avoiding intense emotional conflicts.

Conflict can be beneficial. It provides a pathway to deeper connections. It's a way of bridging differences and uncovering similarities. Conflict can clarify what you truly want and what your partner desires.

All too often, however, we make mistakes:

We ruminate for too long before bringing up issues, allowing them to magnify in size and importance.

We come out swinging, starting with harsh words and criticism.

We don’t take time to understand what the fight is really about.

We get defensive or overwhelmed by emotions we don’t know how to manage.

We reject our partner’s attempts at compromise.

We apologize too quickly because we want the conflict to end swiftly.

We ignore past conflicts rather than learning from them.

So how can you fight better?

Understand that there are two types of human conflict: solvable and perpetual. Solvable conflicts have a solution. But other fights don't have a fix because they're rooted in competing perspectives, values, and viewpoints. Research shows the majority of our fights – 69 percent – are perpetual. Once you grasp this, you can accept that conflict is truly inevitable.

Then, understand why you fight:

Personality differences are a big reason. Opposites attract – but committing to someone very different means many perpetual fights will revolve around contrasting personalities and lifestyles. What initially draws you together might later become a tension source.

Major life changes usher in conflict, like having children, moving, or taking a demanding new job. Three years after a baby's birth, research shows 67 percent of couples experience increased hostility.

Life stress causes conflict. Financial pressure, work demands, parenting – all induce stress. On high-stress days, research reveals more tension in partner interactions, since we’re less able to regulate negative emotions, setting the stage for conflict.

Let go of fear around conflict and fighting. Conflict early in a relationship actually predicts success. A low-conflict relationship can be more fragile, as it usually depends on one partner suppressing needs or feelings. Couples expressing anger aren’t likelier to split up. Key predictors of doomed relationships are contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

A relationship has tension at its core – the constant negotiation between individual needs and the relationship’s needs. When done well, conflict reconciles those competing priorities through cooperation, collaboration, and compromise.