13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do summary

Let’s meet Lauren, a loving mother of two. She nearly had a picture-perfect family life, if it wasn’t for one thing: her mother-in-law. Lauren found her overbearing. Not only would she come over unannounced, she constantly criticized Lauren’s parenting style and even made nasty comments about her weight. Lauren always kept a polite smile on the outside, but was boiling on the inside. And it wasn’t only that her mother-in-law occupied precious family time; Lauren also found herself ruminating and complaining about her at least several hours per week. Clearly, something was wrong. 

Which brings us to the second habit that mentally strong people don’t do: they don’t let other people have power over them. 

Richard was frustrated. He just got diagnosed with diabetes and his doctor told him he was 75 pounds overweight, so he felt like he needed to make a change – which was easier said than done. He made a pledge to abstain from any sort of junk food; he even cleared his shelves of all the cookies and sugary drinks. He signed up for the gym. All of this sounded like a good plan – on paper. In real life, though, he soon found himself snacking in front of the TV instead of exercising. Despite all the best intentions, he didn’t lose a single pound!

Let’s face it: Making a change is difficult. But if you lack the mental strength, it’s easy to shy away from it. But this comes at a heavy price: Without change, you can feel like you’re stuck while others are outgrowing you.

One day, James wanted to spend an afternoon whale watching with his daughter. Such dates had become a rare and cherished occasion; after the divorce from his wife, Carmen, she was granted primary custody while James was only allowed to see her on Wednesdays and weekends. To make things even more complicated, the divorced parents were competing over their daughter’s favor, trying to trump one another with gifts and fun activities. So when he learned from his daughter that her mom had taken her on a whale watching trip just the week prior – supposedly to ruin their whale watching trip – James was infuriated. Instead of enjoying the rare quality time with his daughter, he sent angry text messages to his ex-wife. The afternoon was ruined.

So what exactly are we witnessing here? It’s this: James got unnecessarily upset about something that was outside his control. But like most people, James loves to have full control over the situation. This includes telling people what and what not to do. But this just made the situation worse, spoiling the already rare quality time with his daughter.

This time, let’s say hi to Megan. Megan had a relatable problem: she felt constantly stressed. The to-dos seemed to pour in from all sides – church members asked her to quickly bake some muffins for Sunday Service, her sister needed her as a babysitter, and her cousin always came over with some last-minute favor to ask. Soon it became clear that Megan’s stress had a particular reason: it was because she had a hard time saying no. Or, in other words, she was a people pleaser.

Being nice is – well, nice. But it becomes a problem if you’re being too nice. First of all, people who tend to be too nice can be easily taken advantage of. Since they hate to disagree, they will rather say yes than risk a conflict. Not only are they constantly concerned about what other people think about them, they will also go to great lengths to change their behavior so that they appear more likeable, often at the expense of their own desires and wishes. 

When Dale told his wife about an old dream of his – opening up his own furniture store – he was met with a good amount of eye-rolling. Oh, what a dreamer he was! And he agreed – why would he give up his stable job as a high school teacher for a risky undertaking like this? So he kept on working in the same old job. The only problem: The more he tried to forcefully repress his true aspiration, the more frustrated he grew. Even worse, he felt defeated and depressed. He found himself stuck in a dilemma. What should he do?

So let’s take a deeper look at this and see how mentally strong people handle risks. Like Dale, most people are naturally averse to risk-taking. They’re afraid of making certain decisions, often entertaining worst-case scenarios in their head. But instead of fulfilling their wishes, they end up on the couch ruminating about what life could have had in store for them if they only dared to do X and Y. 

Gloria's relationship with her 28-year-old daughter was more than difficult. It became clear to Gloria that her daughter was stuck in a loop of self-destructive behavior – constantly switching boyfriends, not holding down a job, and moving back in with her. But instead of saying anything, she even enabled it with her well-meaning behavior. Why? Because she felt guilt and shame over how she wasn’t really there for her daughter when she was younger, so now she wanted to make up for it. In other words, she was so stuck in the past that she couldn’t move forward.

If there’s something we can learn from Gloria’s story, it’s this: if you want to become mentally stronger, you should stop dwelling on your past. This habit comes in many forms. It can mean you’re replaying certain scenes from your past over and over; you’re wondering how your life would’ve turned out if you had taken this one job; or you assume that getting back with your ex-lover will solve all your problems. Yes, a certain amount of retrospective reflection is healthy, but too much of it can be destructive. 

Let’s take a little time machine to a small town in mid-nineteenth-century Massachusetts. We’re with the businessman Rowland Macy, who just launched a dry goods store, but made quite a fatal mistake. The location he chose was way too quiet, and he struggled to attract customers as a result. 

To drum up interest in his fledgling store, Macy organized a large parade through his town that would end up at his shop. Unfortunately, on the day of the parade it was so blazing hot that nobody turned up. He fell so deep into debt that he had to give up his business. 

So if you ever got grumpy while browsing through your peers’ seemingly perfect lives on social media, this one might be for you. In 2013, researchers published a study with the telling title “Envy on Facebook: A Hidden Threat to Users’ Life Satisfaction.” The result: People can get really bummed out to see other people’s successes and happiness. Being exposed to your peers’ vacation photos is particularly bad, and they can even get angry over a lot of birthday wishes.

If that sounds relatable to you, behold! This feeling is called resentment and – you guessed it – it’s something mentally strong people don’t do. If you feel like other people are more successful than you, you’ll likely feel envious about their good fortune. On the outside you might keep a polite smile, but when your neighbour shows you his brand-new Tesla, you might secretly despise him. You were just about to enjoy this garden party, but now your mood is ruined.

Today, Thomas Edison is world-famous for inventing the light bulb. But did you know that he also came up with contraptions like the electric pen or the so-called ghost machine? If you’ve never heard of these, don’t worry – both were complete failures. And they were far from being Edison’s only flops – at least, from our perspective. Edison himself didn’t consider these attempts to be failures. Instead, he saw them as learning opportunities, chances to experiment with what worked and what didn’t. Each time he failed, he considered himself to be one step closer to succeeding.

But, yeah, this is not the common perspective on failure. If you drop out of college or lose an important client, your go-to-reaction is not “Finally, another learning opportunity.” The opposite is true. It often comes with a sense of shame – an experience we want to avoid at all costs. As a consequence, some people will stop trying entirely, making it a habit to give up at the faintest sign of hardship.

Okay, now back to Morin’s counseling office. This time we’re sitting with Vanessa, who has a very particular problem. Despite being exhausted from busy work days, she had a hard time falling asleep. It feels like she can’t turn off her mind; her thoughts are racing hour after hour, pondering situations of the day or worrying about tasks to come. During the day, she was working as quite the successful real estate agent, always on the go, always “on.” Morin asked her how often she just sat down just by herself, doing nothing and giving her thoughts some space, to which she replied, “Never – why would I?!”

Being alone and winding down is not something that ranks high on most people’s priority list. Some find it unproductive, others outright scary. They’re uncomfortable with silence and solitude. They pack their calendar with social events, and when they’re actually by themselves, they’re on their phone or let the TV fill their apartments with background noises. 

Lucas was by no means popular among his coworkers. Even though he was fresh out of college and just starting out, he behaved like a know-it-all. He constantly told his more experienced coworkers how he would do it. He thought of himself as an extremely valuable employee who deserved a promotion into a leadership position. But instead of promoting him, Lucas’s boss told him to tone it down; his coworkers were annoyed by his bossy behavior. They felt like he’s acting a bit, well . . . entitled.

Even though that sounds far from relatable, we all have a little bit of Lucas inside us. To some degree, we’re all inclined to believe that the world owes us something

If there’s one weakness that Marcy had, it was her notorious impatience. When her kids or coworkers wouldn’t comply with her pace, she’d say, “I’m not getting any younger.” She’d read dozens of self-help books, but was disappointed when they didn’t magically change her life overnight. She abandoned therapy just after a few sessions because she didn’t see the immediate results that she wanted. What she was desperately looking for was a shortcut, a magic pill that would eliminate her dissatisfaction with life. Unfortunately, as mentally strong people know, this pill doesn’t exist.

In a world of 24-hour delivery, on-demand streaming and fast food, most people are used to getting what they want as quickly as possible. But if instant gratification becomes an overall expectation, you’re gonna have some problems in your life.