The Confidence Gap summary

You’ve just learned that taking action, practicing, and actually doing things is what builds confidence. But that often means stepping out of your comfort zone. This brings us to one of the biggest hurdles we all face: fear.

The first thing to realize is that those butterflies in your stomach, that tightness in your chest – they’re totally normal. Anytime you step into unfamiliar territory, whether it’s public speaking, asking someone out, or trying something new, fear is your brain’s natural response. It’s your fight-or-flight system kicking in, saying, Hey, this could go wrong!

Here’s something interesting to think about: a 2009 study by Canadian psychologists found that repeating positive self-statements can actually make people with low self-esteem feel worse. Statements like “I am lovable” or “I will succeed” just triggered more negative thoughts and internal pushback.

This shows how negative thoughts, like fear, are simply part of the human experience. So forget what you’ve read about “erasing” negative thoughts or “deleting” bad beliefs – that’s not how our brains work. Self-acceptance is what really matters, not self-esteem.

Think about a time you were in the same room as a confident person – did you notice they had a certain presence? Confident people are truly engaged when they’re talking to you. They don’t get distracted or lost in their own thoughts; they’re making the most of the moment.

This is another important piece of the building confidence puzzle: you’ve gotta be present. Like, fully there, whether you’re chatting with a friend, playing a sport, or working on a project.

The previous sections covered a lot of ground on how to rethink confidence: accepting fear and negative thoughts without letting them control you, and continuing to practice being engaged despite them. 

We also touched on the importance of values in setting your goals – which is where that confidence cycle we mentioned earlier comes in. Let’s break it down. The first step is to practice the skills you want to be confident in. Then apply those skills in real-world situations with real-world results. Assess those results. Finally, adjust your approach as necessary.

In this final section, let’s explore a few more practices to help you stay on track as you pursue a value-driven path and build confidence along the way.

Building confidence and going after your goals often means stepping outside your comfort zone, which can naturally stir up some anxiety. When that happens, keep the acronym NAME in mind – it ties together a lot of what we’ve been discussing.