Urban Tantra summary

Imagine you’re in the middle of having passionate sex . . . but your mind is still buried in work emails. Sound familiar?

Most of the time, our minds are so busy with thoughts about the future or the past that we completely miss the present – the moment we’re actually living in.

Focus on your breath. Inhale deeply; fill your belly with air. Then slowly exhale. You feel more relaxed, don’t you? Now, take a shallow, small breath. You’ll probably find that your whole posture changes – your very body becomes hunched and constricted. 

The way we breathe has a profound effect on how we feel. By consciously regulating your breathing, you can learn to calm yourself down, or fill your body with extra oxygen and energy. 

There’s a famous scene in the film When Harry Met Sally, in which Meg Ryan pretends to orgasm in the middle of a cafeteria, moaning and grunting and breathing louder and louder until she supposedly reaches a sensual zenith.

The scene is comedic, of course. But it does contain a grain of truth. The sounds we make are key to how we orgasm; they’re a way to move sexual energy around our bodies. In fact, the author has climaxed just through mimicking the sounds of an orgasm. She calls this experience a blissgasm.

What do you think of when somebody mentions Tantric sex? Chances are, you’re imagining a couple staring into each other’s eyes. 

Tantra can, indeed, be practiced as a couple. But solo Tantra is just as important. In fact, it’s the very best place to start. Building an intimate erotic relationship with yourself is the most satisfying thing you can do. 

Imagine you’re in a theater, waiting for the curtain to go up. Suddenly, the actors rush in from the street outside. They’re wearing their everyday clothes, and, as the lights dim, they begin to fumble around an empty set. It’s obvious that none of them knows where to stand or what lines to say. 

Sounds like a disaster, doesn’t it? Well, the same goes for Tantra. Just like in a theatrical performance, there should be clear lines between everyday life and the ritual space of sex. How do you draw these lines? You prepare – thoroughly. 

If you’ve spent any time studying the Kama Sutra, the idea of Tantric sex may sound intimidating. Few of us have the flexibility needed to twist ourselves into sexual positions inspired by yoga poses.

But Tantra isn’t about how athletic you are. Much more important is how conscious and present you are while making love. You could have sex in the same position every day and still feel completely different, depending on how you directed your energy and tuned in to your partner’s body. 

At the height of the AIDS crisis in the early 1990s, activist Joseph Kramer and famous sex worker Annie Sprinkle taught a workshop called Cosmic Orgasm Awareness Week. As part of the workshop, they gave a master class in genital massage. The idea was to help students reclaim their sexual freedom amid the grief of the epidemic. 

The author was one of those students, and the workshop changed her life. It allowed her to experience what it was like to truly surrender to pleasure. She learned to trust other people and build communication skills around consent. She also experienced a new way of practicing safer sex. 

Picture a scene of a man cowering in handcuffs, chained to a fence. Another man, clad in leather, whips him repeatedly, leaving red, raised welts on his back. 

This scene may seem like the antithesis of a Tantric sex ritual. Isn’t Tantra all about softness and a deep mutual understanding? How does BDSM fit into that? You might be surprised to discover that submission and domination are actually perfectly aligned with Tantric teachings.