Difficult Conversations summary

Any difficult discussion consists of three elements happening at the same time: the “What Happened?” Conversation, the Feelings Conversation and the Identity Conversation.

The “What Happened?” Conversation involves fighting over who’s right, assuming the other person’s intentions and assigning blame.

A Learning Conversation is a discussion in which we try to work something out without fighting, blaming, silencing our emotions or doubting ourselves.

Let’s apply the Learning Conversation approach to the three types of difficult conversations mentioned earlier, starting with the “What Happened?” Conversation.

It’s not easy dealing with emotions, and it’s even harder trying to share them. When they threaten to embarrass us, we even go so far as to suppress our feelings. However, the Learning Conversation can help us address difficult emotions in three easy steps.

First, let’s find out what’s really happening deep down. You can do this by exploring your emotional footprint. This is your way of reacting emotionally, guided by what you consider ok to express and what you believe is better kept to yourself.

You know who you are, more or less. But you also tend to judge yourself in absolute terms: competent or useless, mean or kind, capable or incapable of being loved.

Absolute terms such as these are limiting because nothing’s black and white, and as a result, you can quickly get confused about your own identity.

Though difficult conversations are tricky to initiate, you need to start somewhere.

A good rule of thumb is to never start inside your own story.