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Blink 3 of 8 - The 5 AM Club
by Robin Sharma
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Why We Click summary
Kate Murphy
The Emerging Science of Interpersonal Synchrony
20 mins
Brief summary
Why We Click by Kate Murphy delves into the psychology behind social connections, offering insights on how genuine understanding and effective communication foster meaningful relationships, enhancing both personal and professional interactions in our increasingly digital world.
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Why We Click
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We learn interpersonal synchrony from birth
Meet two neighbors: Joan and Jen. Both are octogenarians who take daily walks through the neighborhood, but the reactions they inspire couldn't be more different.
Joan seems to light up everyone she encounters. Sulky schoolchildren perk up at her smile. Dog walkers glued to their phones suddenly look up and chat. There's something about her presence that makes people feel good.
Jen creates the opposite effect. Watch people around her carefully: they cross their arms and shift uncomfortably. Their brows furrow. Some neighbors have admitted they hide behind bushes when they see her coming, unable to articulate why interactions with her feel exhausting.
What accounts for this stark difference? The answer lies in something called interpersonal synchrony – the invisible dance of heart rates, breathing patterns, hormones, muscle tension, and neural activity that either harmonizes between people or clashes. When we interact with someone, our bodies are constantly trying to tune into each other like instruments in an orchestra. With Joan, the music flows. With Jen, it grates.
This synchrony begins forming from birth. A mother instinctively cradles her newborn on her left side, close to her heart, which synchronizes their cardiac rhythms. The position also ensures the baby's right brain hemisphere, where emotional processing happens, is perfectly angled to read her facial expressions. As she rocks, coos, and makes exaggerated faces, she's doing more than soothing her child. She's literally calibrating the baby's nervous system for human connection.
Fathers tend to contribute something different but equally important. While mothers often create calming, predictable rhythms, fathers roughhouse and play in ways that spike arousal and create syncopated beats. Together, these contrasting rhythms teach infants to synchronize at different tempos, preparing them for navigating varied social landscapes.
What happens when this early synchrony never develops? Neuroscientist Ruth Feldman has tracked children from infancy into young adulthood, and her findings are sobering. Babies who missed synchronized interactions show significantly reduced activity decades later in the brain regions responsible for empathy and connection. Mentors or romantic partners can activate these networks later in life, but it's an uphill battle, like trying to learn a language after childhood has passed.
We are, from our first breath, creatures built to sync with one another. Joan and Jen stand as proof of what happens when this system works well or breaks down.
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What is Why We Click about?
Why We Click (2026) reveals the hidden science of interpersonal synchrony – the unconscious process where our bodies align with others through matching heart rates, movements, and neural patterns – explaining why some people energize us while others leave us exhausted. By understanding this powerful phenomenon, we can learn to foster beneficial connections that enhance our wellbeing while protecting ourselves from draining interactions that threaten our sense of self.
Who should read Why We Click?
- Parents who want to cultivate their child’s capacity for connection
- Romantics who want to understand the invisible forces that shape personal chemistry
- Team leaders who want to deploy interpersonal synchrony to boost morale
Categories with Why We Click
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